Iddy-biddy car chase was weawy slow

Springfield, MO – A fleeing perp in a Chevy Dolt led a mad car chase at speeds up to 45 mph through the streets in our fair city yesterday, while veteran traffic Officer Joe Krupke  adroitly followed in his government issued Dolt.

The chase ended abruptly when the speeding dolt’s battery went dead.  Officer Krupke said his speed was held down by the weight of gas in the tank while the perp was running empty because he didn’t know about putting gas in the car.  Civilian helicopter pilot, Ace Westlake, was flying over the city at the time and said it looked like a game of Frogger from the air.

A police spokesperson suggested Mr. Westlake has dated himself and should check with his grandchildren for a current video game to make more up to date comparisons on future police reports.  This morning a White House press secretary issued a statement that the dolt could have gone much faster than 45 if it had been on an interstate highway with a strong tailwind – at least 70 mph, and maybe 100 on a good day.

Any suggestion that the dolt is limited in speed and range is just an election year slander by global warming deniers.  The perp was not wearing a seat belt and nobody was tasered in the incident.

Salvation Army paratroopers prepare to invade Iowa

Springfield, MO – Citing a lack of donations, the local chapter of the Salvation Army has invaded Iowa to make up a 20% difference in fundraising this year. Red Kettle Special Forces landed on the ground a few days ago to secure additional funding for the agency.

“Mission Bell Ringer is an attempt to bring in more donations from nearby locals. We have fallen short by $200,000 this year. At first we were disappointed, then we were all ‘this is still an army, right’ so we invaded Iowa,” said a general in the Salvation Army.

Government records indicate that over 15,000 red kettles and bell ringers arrived in 5 Iowa cities taking positions around popular shopping destinations. “It is hard work. Parachuting from the planes. Sneaking into positions without being noticed by other non-profits. Setting up the kettle. It is all very stressful but very important,” said Sargent Bill Umbatha of the Springfield Salvation Army unit.

SA officials have reported initial success with the invasion claiming $40,000 in donations and only 12 lost bell ringer lives to competing non-profit snipers, ninjas and the occasional parachuting into a compacting garbage truck.

“We will find the money. It is out there. It may not be in Missouri, but it is close. We’re not going to cut back now. We’ll leverage our Salvation Army tanks, airplanes and paratroopers to position kettles in areas that can secure the most donations,” said a Salvation Army representative.

Also known as Heri Cafeteria

Springfield, MO – Hungry, short on options, and fatigued from shouldering their pithy posters, The General Assembly of Occupy Springfield has made the decision to occupy the Heritage Cafeteria on Battlefield Road during store hours, Monday through Saturday. Gladys Spock, provisional spokesperson for the local chapter of the national movement, cited several reasons why the General Assembly chose the popular cafeteria.

“First of all I want to send out my props to all the freedom fighters in cities across the US! Down with corporations, banks, the one percent, and anyone over thirty! But that’s just my opinion, not necessarily shared by any other protesters here today, right guys?
We decided to occupy The Heritage because, well, it’s getting colder outside and we need a place that has lots of seating and good food at a reasonable price. I mean, I really do ‘cause my parents are like totally hacked that I dropped out of school to occupy. Since our movement is really all about free choice we felt that the Heritage was a no brainer since everyone can choose what they want to eat from their extensive, home cooked variety of entrees, sides, and desserts.”

Suze Brenner, Assistant Manager at The Heritage, was guardedly pleased with the new customers. “They seem pretty peaceful and orderly, and really hungry! If they plan on occupying this many booths during the rush hours they’ll have to buy more than coffee, and hot tea with honey. I don’t think that will go over with the boss. Actually I tried to pass out some applications for a dishwasher position we have open, figured one of them must need a job since they’re here all the time, but so far no takers. Must be nice?”

When asked if he was in favor of occupying the restaurant, occupier Melvin Finger had this to say. “Like, we’re not positive that The Heritage isn’t a corporation so, like, The General Assembly, just to like, play it safe, said it was cool to order an entree and one side, but no dessert. Kind of a bummer since, like, I love the apple pie here. I’ll do it, like, ‘cause like, I’m in for the cause, to stop corporate greed and everything. And my girlfriend, like, put some Ho-Hos in my backpack before I like, came out this morning.”

Long causes rare quake in D.C.

Springfield, MO – According to members of his staff, US Congressman Billy Long has jumped into the Presidential Race with both feet, triggering a terrifying and destructive 5.8 magnitude earthquake in Washington, D.C. this week.

“When I heard Billy Long was now it the race, my whole body shook with fear,” said Norma Henkly who was in Richmond, VA visiting family, “only after a few moments did I realize that it wasn’t anger or fear that my skin was quivering, rather the structural terra-firma beneath our government was shifting with explosive passion a-rattling my bones.”

When reached for comment, Long shifted focus from his Earth-trembling lurching and quickly reminded
all registered voters that National Auctioneer Day is fast approaching and asked, “how much would you give to elect America’s first Auctioneer-In-Chief? Do I hear 1-hammina, 2-hammina, 3 electoral votes?!”

Officials are still looking in to whether the portly Presidential candidate’s feet hitting the ground were solely responsible for the earthquake or if the announcement itself triggered a rotating motion of our founding fathers rolling in their graves that helped contribute to the volatile shaking of American soil.

The aftershocks of Long’s announced candidacy will be felt for weeks and the impact will be global. “Long said that he didn’t want Ghadafi to get any more press coverage, so it was time to make a move now, so that focus could be placed back onto US politics. He thinks people are fed up with Ghadafi,” said one staffer.

Long’s team plans to release a Presidential campaign similar to his successful “Fed Up” approach; the new tagline is rumored to be “Shake it Up” America or alternatively “Truffle Shuffle in the Beltway”.

Man's chicken choked due to new city ordinance

Springfield, MO— Apparently it isn’t just City Council who is evenly divided over the decision allowing up to six chickens to be boarded in the city limits. Residents of the affluent Highland Springs Country Club gated community watched in horror late yesterday as two of their own residents, 34-year-old Reginald “Reggie” Waddlesworth, a prominent stay-at-home-dad, and  Lionel Biggerstaff, a-53-year-old multi-level marketing guru,  got physical — apparently the direct result of the recently passed fowl ordinance.

FCN has learned the two neighbors got in a scuffle after Biggerstaff saw Waddlesworth in his driveway unloading an enormous roll of chicken wire and 10’ fencing posts from the trunk of his Lexus.  Onlookers say all was well until Biggerstaff heard some muffled clucking coming from the backseat of the luxury car, walked over to investigate and pecked on the glass.

From across the street, Sally Fitzwhiter was pulling a pan of bake-sale goodies from the double-range, heard the commotion, and summoned authorities. “Wow, I have never seen anything quite like it,” Fitzwhiter exclaimed, “Lionel started choking Reggie’s chicken with both hands…it was, well, awful.”

As news of the chicken-choking incident spread, the five Council members favoring the ordinance expressed dismay and encouraged residents to avoid choking each other’s chickens. One was overhead saying, “This is as discouraging cock fighting.” The incident has local animal rights activists fuming and already petitioning City Council to pass an ordinance banning citizens from spanking their monkeys.

VP Biden greeted in big effin' way

Springfield, MO—On Thursday Vice President Joe Biden was greeted by Springfield residents with a huge banner that read “Have a nice Effin’ Visit”. Biden, who will attend a private fundraiser for Senate hopeful Robin Carnahan (D), has only a few hours scheduled in the Ozarks before he zips off to another campaign stop in Seattle, WA.

When asked about the Carnahan fundraiser Biden said, “I’m coming in for a big effin’ fundraiser to raise some much needed effin’ funds for her campaign. Yes, it is a big effin’ deal.” Carnahan’s spokeswoman said a new campaign theme will be unveiled at the fundraiser. Rumored to be loosely based on US Congressional hopeful Billy Long’s campaign, the new slogan will be “Effed Up?”

“’Effed Up?’ is a rally cry that binds together all hard-working Americans in the Ozarks. Simply put if you’ve ever made a mistake in your life, you should vote for Carnahan. She recognizes that people make mistakes. Have you ever effed up?” said Carnahan’s campaign.

Biden released a statement that outlined his position, “You can’t go into the Ozarks without an effin’ hick accent. Go ahead and check the facts by calling my web site number. Listen, when Mt Saint Helens erupted and its lava took down the Challenger space shuttle that caused Black Monday, President Woodrow Wilson had to deal with an economic crisis. I was there back then. Now, I hope my four-letter word vocabulary will help create more three-letter words in the Ozarks: jobs, J-O-B-S, jobs.”

City council approves loan to redevelop historic hot dog stand

Springfield MO- With some reservations about the plan, Springfield city council voted unanimously for a loan for the redevelopment plan for Calumet City, an abandoned Hot Dog Stand located in downtown Springfield behind the main post office.  The developer, Ken McCow has already received a $3 million dollar loan from the Missouri Development Board as well as a $50 million dollar loan from the federal Department of Housing and Urban Development.

Despite this financing McCow found himself $47.18 short to continue with the project.  Since the city council came through with the loan McCow promised to complete the the project on time and on budget.  “Without council’s backing on this, I don’t know what I would have done,” he stated.

Springfield Mayor Jim O’Neil said special tax districts will be created to help fund the loan.  “I know some people would prefer tax money not be used on this, we felt we had no choice because without the $47.18 the whole thing would shut down.  This is needed to boost the downtown and help the economy in general. The city cannot leave that building empty.  If this wasn’t going to happen we were going to have to tear it down thus losing a part of Springfield history.

FCN has learned that the city will pay half the amount of the loan which is $23.59 when the project is half way completed.  The remaining $23.59 will be paid when the project shows a 75% completion rate.  “This will make sure the developer follows through with renovation and won’t bail on us,” stated O’Neil.

According to McCow the old hot dog stand will now be home to a Kansas City Hereford Steak House, a professional roller derby ring, several upscale specialty shops and either another Ziggy’s or Braums Ice Cream location.  The roof will feature “green technology” and have a swimming pool and several hiking and biking trails.

Kathy Casher, a local banker called councils actions “creative and innovative”.  “This is not only a good investment for downtown, this is a guaranteed and secure loan for me.  I just wish council would find more of these old buildings to invest in,” she commented.

McCow had nothing but good things to say on how easy it was to get the paperwork done with the city.  “I couldn’t believe how simple it was.  I just pulled up to the front door and walked in.  In less than 10 minutes it was done and I left with cash in my pocket.  The best part was I got to keep my car!”

Sonny Pomade dreams of not renovating Heer's

Springfield, MO—Local maverick businessman, Sonny Pomade, showed up at Monday night’s Springfield City Council meeting and offered to not develop the controversial Heer’s Building for a mere fifty dollars.

“I just felt it was my duty to take the burden of not moving forward with the renovation on my own shoulders,” Pomade commented, as he sipped on decaf at a sidewalk table in front of The Coffee Ethic, shaded by the afternoon shadow of the iconic monolith.

“The City Council is going to fork over two million beans to some guy who claims he will bring the building back to its glory days, with restaurants, offices, a fortune teller’s tent, and a ground-level go-cart track, if I’m not mistaken. Get outta here! What if he doesn’t get it done? Can the people of Springfield take another Heer’s letdown? I’m thinking no!”

Pomade stated that he needed the token sum of fifty dollars as a down payment to a representative of a local informal “loan agency” and that the $1,999,950 saved could be used to build a dog track or something the people of Springfield could really get behind.

“In this economy it doesn’t make any sense to spend huge sums of money on projects that aren’t absolutely necessary, or, for that matter, never materialize,” Pomade added. “Besides, people often underestimate the importance of having something to gripe about. Without it some folks might cease to exist. In my opinion my proposal is sound all around. Cheap, too!”

New flags are flown in the Republic of Ravenwood

Springfield, MO—On Monday, the Ravenwood South neighborhood association voted to secede from the City Of Springfield, the state of Missouri and the Union in a 7-1 vote. The association claimed that mounting city, national and state government debts are burdening the neighborhood, and “our homeowners deserve a chance to try to govern ourselves.”

Ravenwood South association member Fred Jibbles said he had read about secession from Springfield City councilman Doug Burlison’s libertarian blog and merely suggested the move as a “joke people. Something to lighten the mood.” According to witnesses, his attempt at humor caught fire amongst those gathered.

“We have access to water from Lake Springfield, and we can use the Ravenwood pool as a sanitation and waste center with a little modification,” said the association president Red Thumwagger.

“Our homeowners have seen a decline in property values, we must be able to sustain ourselves in this economic crisis. And I don’t see the government aka big brother coming down to our neck of the woods to help us!”

As of eight o’clock today, the process of secession has already started. Roads are slowly becoming blocked with sand bags and strange looking flags have replaced American flags outside of goliath-sized homes.

“We are the Republic of Ravenwood!” exclaimed Thumwagger, as he rode though the streets atop a 2012 Maserati minivan mounted with a public address system. “I just hope those people in Ravenwood don’t mind if we annex their pool.”

The Jordan Valley East Gateway is located to the East of Jordan Valley Park, as seen from the Jordan Valley Parking Garage across from the building formerly known as Jordan Valley Ice Park

Springfield, MO—The Jordan Valley Advisory Committee has offered up six distinctly different choices for citizens to consider in the new quarry redevelopment project. They include: Jordan Valley East Gateway Plaza, Jordan Valley Gateway Plaza, Gateway Plaza at Jordan Valley, The Commons at Jordan Valley, East Greens at Jordan Valley and The Quarry at Jordan Valley.  The survey is posted here.

“After reading the extensive and vast selections, I’ve determined that they are all pretty much the same. I’m pretty sure they just placed the words ‘Jordan’, ‘Valley’ and ‘Gateway’ together in various unoriginal patterns. They left out, and I wrote in, ‘Valley Gateway at Jordan’,” said Springfield native Newt Turner.

A JVAC member confirmed, “We were all pretty tired when it came down to the naming process so we just went with the straightforward descriptive approach: it is a gateway to the Jordan valley. We did consider a fanciful name but Hammons Gateway was, well he already has his name on everything else. We did name some new structures during the meeting: Jordan Valley Shed, where the gardening tools are kept, the Jordan Valley Portable Potty, and an overall name change to avoid any confusion, Jordan Valley in the Jordan Valley.”

Original names are still accepted for consideration. Lois Freeman suggested, “they should name it Methane Gas Gateway due to the troublesome gas production at the southwest corner of the site. My kids simply refer to it as ‘Jordan’s Fart’”.

Morbid suggestions ranged from “The Cemetery”, “Dead Man’s Plaza” and  “Afterlife Gateway” due to the extraordinary dead body storage capacity of the old quarry. Most Springfieldians opted for more lighthearted names such as, “Silver Springs South”, “The Grassy Hole” and the “JV Quad”.

Frustrated by the lack of originality in the names, Harold Minnow said, “search all the towns and all the cities and you’ll find parks named by committees.”