Lil' Joey shows his skills on the court

Springfield MO – The Missouri State basketball program has landed a future recruit for the upcoming 2019 season. Joey Jones a 3-foot 4-inch player from McGregor Elementary gave an oral commitment yesterday to sign with the Bears when he becomes old enough.

“It’s a big relief not having to worry about where I am going to go to college especially since I’m only 9 years old. I like the atmosphere and the coaches at Missouri State. I hope they are all still there when I sign in a few years,” stated Jones after spending the weekend in the dorms hanging out with the Sugar Bears.

When asked if he was considering any other schools, Jones said Missouri State was the only one that showed any interest at all. “I don’t think I was even on the radar with any other school. One weekend visit on campus was all I needed to make my decision,” commented Jones.

Rated a non star recruit by Rivals.com, Jones said MSU has been recruiting him since the first grade with head coach Cuonzo Martin being the main contact. “Since McGregor does not have any organized sports programs I’ve been watching this kid play pick up games at the Boys and Girls Club in Springfield. I think that in 10 years he will add another 3 feet to his height add gain at least 130 pounds. I see a player that just wants to win no matter what. I want him to bring that attitude to our program,” said Martin. Jones added, “I like to win all the time. I can’t shoot, pass, or play defense. If I don’t win I scream and throw a tantrum when I lose.” He will sign Nov.10 2018 when the letter-of-intent period begins.

Radio talk show host plans to purchase Rams and their conservative style of play

St. Louis, MO—Radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh says he is teaming up with St. Louis Blues owner Dave Checketts in a bid to buy the St. Louis Rams. If purchased, it is widely assumed that Limbaugh will institute a Gang of Eight football management style to leverage his experience of on-air offensive lines, piling on, being out of bounds and multiple personal fouls.

Springfield fan Gary Belcher said, “I guess that would compliment their conservative offense.” Limbaugh declined to immediately comment on the pending transaction, citing a confidentiality agreement with the Bank of Amigo, the financial firm hired by the family of late Rams owner Georgia Frontiere to review assets of her estate.

Rams quarterback Marc Bulger said, “[If Limbaugh becomes an owner] we’re obviously going to need to make our audibles more obnoxious.”

Limbaugh said the defensive linesmen will need to receive an “Addadicktomy” in order to perform up to his standards. He also hopes to avoid the drive-by sports media, clean up any illegal prescriptions, er procedures in the National Football League and looks forward to stamping “dittohead” on all players’ helmets (Limbaugh plans to rename the team to the St. Louis RINOs).

Head coach Steve Spagnuolo says under this ownership he would be forced to design a new hurry-up-and-be-offensive scheme and would require all “Fumblenazi’s” to be placed on immediate probation.

Limbaugh insists that his ownership would in no way interfere with his obsession with The Greatest Football Team in the History of Civilization, the Pittsburgh Steelers.