A cardboard cutout will debate this November

Springfield MO -  After weeks of negotiations between the seventh congressional candidates, Billy Long has agreed to a question and answer session between himself and his democratic opponent Scott Eckersly.  The date for the event is scheduled for November 1st, one day before the election.  According to the terms of the debate, sources have indicated that Billy Long won’t even make an appearance.  Instead a “live” Billy Long cardboard cutout of the candidate will be in place with a balloon caption reading ‘I’M FED UP!”.
“To be quite honest,” commented Long, “I thought the August primary was the election,”  Long further added, ” The people in the seventh district know where I stand and that is being FED UP.  Since this is not a real debate that would allow boring rebuttals that no one would listen to anyway it would be a waste of time to show up.  My answer for anything is I’M FED UP.”
Long maintains that questions such as, “How do you feel about corporate bail outs, illegal immigration, health care the Obama and Pelosi agenda?” can all be answered by the answer “I’M FED UP!”  This reflects the thinking in southwest Missouri and being FED UP is what the people want confirmed his campaign manager.

“The bottom line is November 3rd I will be moving to Washington D.C.. The people in southwest Missouri will see me on C-SPAN when they cover Congress.  I will be the one wearing the cowboy hat.  Now when was the last time common sense folks elected someone with a cowboy hat?  It has been a quite a while since that happened,” said Long.

Black Friday shoppers line up to recieve discounted medical treatment at St. John's Hospital

Springfield, MO—Early morning Black Friday shoppers lined up to receive up to discounted medical care last week at St. John’s Hospital. Hundreds of shoppers braved the weather camping out all night waiting for the special healthcare deals to kick in at 5 am.

“People started lining up at 8 pm the night before, staking their claim in line. I think it is nuts but whateve,” said one hospital patient peering out of her window. The line of people extended from the St. John’s Hospital entrance through the parking lot to the St. John’s Surgery Center.

The Heart Rock Deli and Skyview Café provided snacks to those waiting in line for services ranging from emergency needs to elective surgery. “I’ve had a broken arm for two weeks and I’ve been waiting for the Black Friday sale so I could get a great deal on my ‘first aid’ and recovery fees,” said Huey Torrent, who broke his arm in an arm wrestling contest.

Several deal-seekers confided that they had been living with multiple health problems allowing them to pile up until this special season. “Last month my cough increased and my pregnancy resulted in a premature home birth, however, I thought I could wait a bit until I could get the best price to be admitted to a hospital. Thank you St. John’s!” said Roxie Jump, holding her newborn infant.

St John’s Health System offered half-price cancer treatments, 40% off all CyberKnife radiosugery in the neuroscience department, as well as, up to 80% off routine doctor visits.

“In this time of medical uncertainty for millions of Americans, we felt it necessary to provide an opportunity for every person to have access to medical care. Insured or uninsured, our discounted services apply to each person seeking treatment,” said St. John’s Health System President/CEO, Kim Day.

Dr. Fran Kenstine collects lightning for science experiments

Springfield, MO—Local physician Dr. Fran Kenstine has located his new practice in the basement of the Shrine Mosque and has yet to announce formal office hours or accept any patients. In fact, no one has been seen coming or going from the clinic since it opened earlier this month.

“I think he must be working on a high tech radiation treatment as the electricity in the building seems to shudder. Especially late at night,” said Todd Jones a bartender who travels to work in downtown Springfield. “After the bar closes I usually drive down St. Louis street on my way home and his lights are always on and strange sparks can be seen lighting up the block.”

Cox Health Systems, his former employer, released a statement saying Dr. Kenstine was “obsessed with studying outdated theories of science that focus on achieving natural wonders inconsistent with our patient care vision statement.”

Dr. Kenstine attend college in Ingolstadt, Germany where he excelled at chemistry and other sciences and claimed to imbue the inanimate plants with life, in part by studying how vegetation decays.

Reportedly, sad melodies played on a violin have been heard coming from the basement in the middle of the night accompanied by the occasional “RAAAAAAAA!” and “MMMMMMM”.

Dr. Kenstine released a statement saying he plans to host an open house October 31st and welcomes all interested parties to stop by, but asks that all pocket lighters, matches and candles be left at home as his special exhibit does not respond well with fire.

After initial questioning, mostly focusing on President Obama‘s health care plans, McCaskill will be placed in wrought iron shackles and set upon a donkey drawn cart. From there she will be tied to a stake on the North Lawn of campus. The kinling will then be set ablaze for numerous attendees to see.

“We want to make this abundantly clear,” stated Roger Cormack event head, “We are not burning her as a witch. This has nothing to do religion. Numerous Senators and government officials have been screamed at during town hall meetings all over this country and nothing has changed. We thought we needed to kick it up a notch to let them know we are serious.”

When asked if this was a grass roots movement, or organized by a right wing movement Cormack answered, “Grassroots, hay, sticks, anything we can get our hands on that is flammable.”

Obama is not concerned with the burning. “Listen. This plan is good for America. And if Americans don’t like it, tough.” The senator is not available for comment and being held in the stocks in a jail circa 1720, with rusted bars, a single sleeping guard, and a dog with a ring of keys in his mouth.

“I had to cry for, like, all day,” said one executive. “Fortunately, this really expensive wine I’m bathing in is very soothing on my facial muscles.”

Agency sources confirmed that it was much easier to group all the “layoff crew” into one location to deliver the news instead of taking the time to meet with individual employees 1-on-1. “That would have taken like two days we had so many people to sh*t-can,” said a prominent agency insider who was wiping away crocodile tears with hundred dollar bills, “who am I going to bill for that!?”

Layoffs were administered quickly and without much explanation according to agency sources. “Usually we try to paint with broad strokes, blame the economy, client budgets, etc. We really don’t want to discuss our poor investments and lack of money management. That would be well, irresponsible,” said an upper-echelon exec as she crushed a Faberge Egg and snorted it off a subordinate male employee’s bare chest.

“I’m really surprised that they provided us no information regarding our health care options, life insurance continuance or filing for unemployment,” said one laid off employee who was hustled out the door, head spinning with unanswered questions.

“Additionally, they dangled a piss-poor severance package in exchange for our promise to never bring any charges against them. I’m not saying it is sexist but doesn’t that sound like someone trying to hide something?” said one male employee who was dismissed from a remaining team of all female associates.

“As a company who prides itself on trend analysis, I guess we really should have seen this coming, but damn, I guess we can now positively identify the next new hot trend as ‘Layoffs’,” said one executive as he motioned for someone to write that down, not realizing that the only people left to do the work were the overpaid elite who crushed the company with massive top-heavy, over-inflated salaries.