Baking money

Polk County, MO- Due to budget cuts the anti-drug DARE program seemed to be doomed, but thanks to local kids, the program may have new life. Students from all over the Polk County area lent a helping hand to the program by selling numerous baked goods with a special ingredient.

“Love,” said 10 year old Gary Fellows. “Love and marijuana.” Gary goes on to explain that thanks to DARE they have vast knowledge of drugs, and they can use that knowledge to be better salesmen or “dealers.”

“I love the activities and lessons that DARE offers,” 8-year-old Megan Leary said while making pot brownies in her Easy Bake Oven, “and, man, do the art teacher and bus driver love these brownies.”

Other students are using their junior chemistry set to make meth, their bicycles to deliver their goods and their sling shots to protect their territory from other groups. We knew we had to take out the competition,” Gary confided, “first we went after Missy Sugarsmile and her gang of Girl Scouts to secure the baked goods racket. We took care of them with water balloons and covering their sashes with poison ivy. Then the Lemonade Stands had to go, which was no problem thanks to our wiffle ball bats. Then the actual drug dealers had to go. Ever see Home Alone? Where the little kids defeat the bad guys with elaborate and hilarious traps? We didn’t do that, we just shot them.”

Once the competition was gone, the kids could put their plan into action. With numerous baked sales and street deals, the kids had no problem making the necessary money to save DARE. In fact, they made enough to save the program, buy a Barbie dream mansion, numerous power-wheels, and an armory of Nerf guns.

“Thanks to DARE, we know drugs are bad and we will never use them,” says Megan. “But, selling them is a great fundraising activity.”

Keep em’ comin’ and watch em’ go.

Mr. Mike McMichaelson

Fart tsunami to engulf city

Springfield, MO – The National Weather Service of Warning Alerts has issued a level 5 red-hot stinky Fart Cloud Warning effective immediately. The coming Sertoma Chili Cook-off is planned for this weekend and all area citizens are encouraged to take immediate cover to prevent exposure to the terrible anus-produced cloud that is anticipated after the event.

Emergency management spokesman, F. Art Enmunose said, “Ozarkers need to seek cover immediately. The Sertoma Chili Cook-off has produced torrential fart cloud storms in the past and we anticipate record attendance at this years’ event, which would correlate with our predictions for an enormous fart cloud tsunami rolling over the Ozarks Plateau.”

A tsunami fart cloud has never been seen on this world but is estimated to be as powerful as snownados, hurriqueefs, and more dangerous than baconstreak straight line winds. The rolling thunder of gas is expected to engulf the upper-atmosphere and come striking down upon the surface of the Earth expanding out hundreds of miles.

“I’ve secured my home with car air fresheners and bottles of Febreze. I’m not gonna take this poop cloud lightly. I’ve also installed new filters in my vents and boarded up my windows. This chili cook-off was a great idea when it wasn’t so popular. Now so many people attend it is a health hazard,” said Yen Juli of Ravenwood South.

Man gives up resolutions for New Year's

Springfield, MO – Jackson Henderson has made his intent known to family and friends that he will not be making any New Year’s resolutions this year. In fact, he is steadfast in picking up new bad habits to enhance his life.

“Jackson showed up to the New Year’s party smoking cigarettes, chewing tobacco and wearing a Nicotine patch. When I asked what he was doing, he cursed at me. He never cursed before,” said girlfriend Nola Friendster.

Henderson claims his healthy lifestyle in previous years has proved to be too boring and restricting, “I was sick of the lifestyle. So now I’m eating red meat and chugging alcohol for breakfast. Why not? I mean some people live their entire lives having not eaten the belly out of a seagull. I can now say that I’ve done that. Just now. And I was a vegetarian 2 hours ago. Loved it.”

According to reports, Henderson is living the life he always wished he had. “Jackson was in great spirits tonight, I’ve never seen him happier,” said longtime friend Hank Sevens. “He would normally be sulking in the corner eating Triskets and drinking tea, but tonight he was actually having fun.”

Experts disagree about the choices exhibited by Henderson, however “if farting and eating beef jerky all day provides him happiness, I’m not one to hold him back,” said Dr. Gail Lowry.

Illuminated cross no longer leads infirm to infirmary

Springfield, MO – Local ambulances, patients and hospital visitors to St. John’s have had extreme difficulty locating the healthcare institution since the giant illuminated cross has been extinguished atop the structure. The cross served as a beacon of sorts, leading the infirm to a place of healing and hope.

“I wandered the black night searching for medical attention; usually I just followed the soft blue glow of the St. John’s cross when I had medical issues in the past. Now I just found myself at a Braum’s drive though menu, asking for an extra-large suture and a Diet Coke,” said Sue Wompings.

Sources indicate that over 52 ambulance missions were diverted or misguided due to the loss of the “lighthouse of the hospice”. Hospital officials hope that the larger-than-life neon display will be back up and running soon as traffic has been down 52% over the past week.

“We rely on the large blue cross for those with illness or injury to find immediate medical treatment. Since it has been down we’ve been slow, but we’ve also had a lot of fun. Doctors and nurses are having wheelchair races, playing darts with syringes and even played spin the Tylenol bottle,” said janitor Ned Timmons.

Undead protest planned in Jeff City

Springfield, MO – Scores of Ozarks walking dead community were offended by the Missouri Department of Conservation this week and their use of an internet hoax aimed to raise awareness around general safety and conservation messages. The hoax involved a fake alert that Missouri is experiencing an invasion of species alert centered around zombies seen here.
“It really pathetic dat people do not ‘preciate zombie,” said 50 year old Hans-Merrger, “zombie be in Ozarks loooooong time and not like make fun of.” Local zombies have banded together to lead an anti-protest rally against the slight and have forming an awareness group called B.R.A.I.N.Z. or Bring Revolution Against Injustices Not Zombies.

Members of B.R.A.I.N.Z. are planning a walking dead march October 31^st on the capitol in Jefferson City. “Mahhh!, Mahhh! Braaaaaains!” seems to be the rally cry painted on posters and placards and screamed by angry zombies between bouts of labored breathing, choking, and moaning.

Scientist Nick Crudonger said, “A deceased human being who has partially returned to life due to undeterminable causes shouldn’t have to endure undue mental strain or persecution. The rotting bodies of the undead operate on a fraction of the level at which our bodies normally function, so care should be exercised when interacting with this population. Zombies were people too.”

Experts suggest that the duration of the protest could last for some time. “The undead are incapable of fatigue and will persist at any cost. They will even crawl when their legs have been removed. Even if the head is removed from the body, it will continue to live,” said Neil Onmahead, a Zombie social worker.

Should the demonstration get out of hand, officials plan to decapitate the recently departed, and burn their corpses to prevent reanimation.

Pile of 3000 teeth waiting to be used

Springfield, MO – After the free dental clinic this weekend local dentist have to decide what to do with nearly 3000 pulled teeth. The dentists are submitting ideas at their super-secret dentist meetings this Thursday in the basement of Richard’s Candy House (which they super secretly own to drum-up more business). The ideas range from the absurd to the grotesque, to the perfectly sensible and back to grotesque.

Ideas include; a fun ball pit filled with teeth; giving to wedding patrons to throw instead of rice; give it to tiny scrimshaw artists, and create a tooth powered car/speed boat.

“The debate got pretty heated, says Dr. Eugene Forester. “Of course we had to give the tooth fairy his cut. We don’t want to go against the family. My vote? Foxy tooth wrestling. It’s like mud wrestling, but with teeth instead of mud. And with glasses-wearing, tightly-wound, dentist assistants wearing nothing but lab coats.”

The teeth are now being stored in a Scrooge McDuck-like tower where the dentist have fun diving in, spitting teeth at each like it is water, and relaxing on an inner tube.

“We don’t know what we are going to do with it, but it will be awesome. I mean that’s why we did this whole thing in the first place,” states Forester.

The final decision will be made by the high council of dental elders: a super-secret syndicate of the best dentist from around the Ozarks, which means your 10 o’clock teeth cleaning appointment will be 15 minutes late.

Man takes it to the hole against the Poopshooters

Springfield, MO – Recently, “The Poopshooters” joined the Y.M.C.A. co-ed adult basketball league and have been turning more than one head.  Consisting entirely of area proctologists, this new team is gaining attention not only by their basketball skills, but by their message.

Team captain Dr. Larry Schuler is proud of their little play on words. He believes that it will raise awareness about their chosen profession while reminding people about the importance of a healthy colon.

“When I play defense, I’m not only schooling my opponents by rejecting shots, I’m schooling them on how to reject colorectal cancer through routine rectal examinations,” said Schuler. “When we’re on the court, opponents tell us that an exam can be too embarrassing. Well it can’t be half as embarrassing as getting beaten by my shake and bake crossover!”

Although some league members think that the name “The Poopshooters” is distasteful, Y.M.C.A. officials say that it’s no worse than previous teams, sighting the Dunkin Donuts “Dunking Donuts”, Ms. Betty’s Defensive Driving School “Women Drivers”, and the Men’s Overactive Bladder Support Group “Double Dribblers”.

“Through our team play, we want people to realize that colon health is an important team player in overall health,” said Schuler.  “Our team motto is simple.  We’ll take anyone to the hole that won’t take us to theirs.”

These guys approve!

Springfield, MO – Patients gathered in waiting rooms across Springfield may be surprised to find out they’re participating in an on-going experiment to measure the short-term effects of watching Fox News Channel. The study requires patients to sit in a waiting room for at least 20 minutes while being exposed to Fox News.  When the patient is called, blood pressure readings are immediately taken along with other stress related vital statistics. The patient is then required to wait in the exam room for another 5-10 minutes, for the effects to abate, before the doctor sees them.

“When we were told by the American Medical Association that we could show non-stop Fox News in our waiting rooms, we jumped at the opportunity…to be a part of this study,” said a doctor at Ferrell-Duncan Clinic. “After all, it is our duty to advance medical science any time we have the opportunity.”

This particular study has been running for more than ten years now and experts believe that it could continue far into the future to explore more long-term effects as well.  Although some doctors have opted not to participate, the vast majority of the Springfield medical community has volunteered, including primary doctors, dentists, and podiatrists. Other businesses have shown interest in participating as well, including local banks and Wal-marts.

“Our goal is to exploit any waiting areas with a captive audience,” said a local AMA representative.  “We firmly believe that by exposing more people to Fox News Channel we will ultimately benefit ourselves…the science I mean.”

Hipster suffering heat stroke

Springfield, MO – A local resident suffered from a heat stroke yesterday because he was too warmly dressed while walking through downtown Springfield in the humid, 99-degree weather. Jacoby Trapper, a known hipster, reportedly “refused to take off his slouch beanie” despite the heat because he “wasn’t some mainstream sell-out.”

“He should have at least taken off the flannel or the scarf,” said friend Lacey Jameson, “but that beanie, covering the top-back 40 percent of his head, really did him in.”

Jameson and the other witnesses with Trapper reported that he started sweating profusely, he complained of a headache, his vanity glasses fogged up, and then he started to suffer from muscle spasms. They thought that he was just dancing ironically, but really he was having a heat stroke.

A heat stroke or heat exhaustion may occur when sweating cannot dissipate the heat generated within a person’s body during hard work, when in a hot environment, or when foolishly wearing layers and layers of clothing. Dehydration will also occur if the person doesn’t replace the water lost by sweating.

“I’ve never seen a person sweat so much,” remarked Jameson. “His TOMS must smell terrible.”

When Trapper’s friends realized something was wrong, they rushed him to St. Johns, where he is making a full recovery. “He’s gotten a lot better—he’s even been smoking again, which is a good sign I think,” said his doctor.

Trapper said he now plans to raise awareness about the dangers of heat strokes by creating a Tumblr photo blog, which will feature pictures of sweaty hipsters and their sweatier mustaches.