Intersection signage stolen every 2-3 months

Springfield, MO – An unfortunate intersection bearing a lewd name has once again been vandalized, in fact the street signs at Cox and Swallow have routinely been stolen only to be proudly displayed in a mancave, garage or fraternity house.

“Swallow Cox – get it?!” said Nick Jubery, a sophomore at Missouri State University, “You see it means, well y’know, right? Hilarious, who would approve that intersection?”

According to City historical records, soon after the Louisiana Purchase, John Polk Campbell – Springfield city founder – actually set the joke in motion in 1829. “Campbell had a well-known sense of humor, he reportedly named an East-West street Swallow, and a North-South lane Cox anticipating that his comic vision would eventually be played out as the city grew,” said historical clerk Bert Lowry.

MODOT indicates that they have to replace the street signs about every 2-3 months. “At first, I thought there was an increase in traffic engineering and people appreciated the fine design of the signs, green metallic paint, white lettering. Then it hit me: Cox Swallow. Swallow Cox. Either way you approach it, it is well not exactly welcoming,” said Sherry Iona a representative.

Lesser known intersections that have the possibility of future vandalization include “Emerson & Biggins”, “Harry & Kuntz” and “Main & Whacker”.

Mike's friends sneak up on Dan's friends "chicken fight" style

Chesterfield Aquatic Center, MO- Representatives from Mike’s friends and Dan’s friend called for an end to all splashing, hopefully paving the way to end the 15-minute dunk war. Mike and Dan have been friends since kindergarten, but have grown apart during their 4^th grade year leading to some low-key hostilities. The powder keg was lit when boys challenged each other’s clique to an all out chicken war. Accusations of cheating flew, exploding in aquatic violence.

“It was such chaos, states Jimmy Rogers. “We don’t know which side splashed first, but we weren’t going to take it laying down.” After four of five minutes of splashing the escalation began.

“Tommy Saunders got on his back and started kick splashing so we had to retreat”, stated Dan. “And that is when Chris flanked them all and started dunking them like crazy. He took 2 or 3 out before he went down. Semper Fi.”

But, it did not stop there: banned biological weapons were quickly introduced to the theatre. “Megan, Mike’s big sister, came charging in shouting ‘Cooties, you all have cooties’”, stated Jimmy Rogers.

The battle continued until members from both party shouted, “Time, Time! I go something in my eye. Stop it. I am telling”

The boys then stopped and agreed to a peace treating even though Chris got two more good dunks in. The boys then forged an alliance and attacked the 1^st graders in the kiddy area.

An Ozarks father prepares for Prom season

Springfield, MO- The Springfield economy has gotten a boost thanks to prom season. Corsages, hair spray, and gun polish sales are at a record high thanks to the teenage rite of passage. Punch, tuxedoes, limousines, and mace are also in high demand.

“It makes me so sad my little girl is growing up,” states Roger Tombs as he polishes his Tarsus PT111 9mm semi automatic pistol. “But, that is the way it goes,” the father said as he empties a clip into a photograph of the star quarter back, most of the shots straight to the groin.

While the fathers are preparing for the festivities, mothers are busy buying the perfect dress for their daughters and giving “the talk” to their sons. “The talk” of course being “if you get hit, make a tourniquet out of your cummerbund and run to a safe house.”

“I tell my daughter just to have fun, but be safe,” says another local father, cleaning his Barrett M107 military grade sniper rifle. “I trust her..I just don’t trust the scum bag boy she is taking to this dry hump-a-thon,” he said as he seamlessly put the gun together, then apart while blindfolded. Local high school students are also getting ready for prom. The girls making appointment for their hair and nails; the boys buying Kevlar vest and putting their blood type on the bottom of their dress shoes.

“Yeah, I am little nervous,” said local father of 5, Randle Greenberg. “I have 4 boys, and she is my baby girl.” Randle then took out a vintage World War 2 panzerschreck (German Bazooka) and fired it at a tuxedo clad mannequin.

“My little princess is becoming a woman,” he stated fighting back the tears. After the boost of the economy thanks to prom, many shop owners are looking forward to the graduation seasons where sales of nostalgia, cheek to cheek photographs, and a now-or-never attitude will more than likely be at an all time high.

Gray bunny still top hare

Springfield, MO—Retired Playboy Bunnies sprung up this morning across Springfield’s major intersections. The aged gals wore traditional Easter Bunny costumes announcing that the Holy Day was coming as if it were the end of the world. Most passerby’s simply honked in appreciation.

One thoroughly surprised traveler was shocked when he stopped his car and got out to say hello. Dicky Fullbright, from Neosho, said he was invited to visit the Roxy Nightclub tonight by Bunny Hoppalot. Bunny said, “I am in town from Vegas because I heard there was a lot of action here. Posing as the holiday character seemed like an ironic and yet discreet way to find new clientele in the Bible belt and  the Springfield/Branson area fits my demographic.”

Bunny went on to say, “If things are as hot as they say they are, I might just plant myself here permanently, it seems like a nice place to ride into the sunset.”

The ancient bunnies went so far as to proposition some Johns-to-be with either artificial egg insemination or prostitution. Candy Freely said, “I’m might be a retired Playboy but I’m not dead. I still have several fertile years ahead of me and I want to get the biggest bang for my buck. Besides, I heard there was a vacancy down at the Vandivort building that has space for just my kind of services.”

Uranium enriched bagels receive glowing review

Springfield, MO- After years of pain-staking research, Einstein Bros Bagel Company finally created its first uranium enriched bagel. The bagel has not only been described as delicious, but also low in fat and high in death; the destroyer of worlds.

The bagel is on sale now and is a big hit with numerous demographics. Mad scientists, Iranians, North Koreans, time traveling robots, terrorist, and Doc Brown are all very excited about the new tasty treat. The US government has also bought 3000 bagels for something that’s “really big and something they are really excited about”.

Not all are excited about the new bagels. “Stalin and Son’s Bagel Factory For The Glory of Mother Russia and the Workers” vows to steal the formula from the Brothers Einstein. “We Russians will not rest till these three things happen: moose and squirrel are dead, America hockey team beaten by magnificent crimson goliath that is USSR team, and bagel formula is in our hands,” states Gregory Stalin. When asked about plans Gregory stated, “We have been watching lot of Sponge Bob to use Plankton’s ideas. Also we like the Jurassic Park’s shaving-cream-with-hidden-compartment idea. That very good movie. Big hit in Motherland. Love to see capitalist pig lawyer getting eaten by glorious Tyrannosaurus Rex of the people. Also the kids are cute.”

Einstein Brothers says they are not worried about any attempt to steal the coveted recipe because it is kept under lock and key by Roger, the 16 year old night manager, and Kendra, his girlfriend, who sometimes hangs out there for the free soda.

Although the brothers are happy about the exciting new bagel, they are disappointed that their attempt to make a cold fusion scone has failed completely.

Scrumb visited by spirits of President's Day past

Springfield, MO- Edgar Scrumb, owner of Scrum Mortgage and Loan, was taught a valuable lesson about caring, giving, and the true meaning of President’s Day by three spirits.

Edgar’s horrify night started after telling his employees they have to work on President’s day. That night he was visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln and George Washington. They warned Scrumb that he would be visited by 3 spirits to teach him the true meaning of President’s Day.

The first spirit showed up at the stroke of midnight. The ghost of President’s Day past, a flying John Adams, took Scrumb on a wonderful journey to his past. There he saw his lonely childhood where his father refused to pick him up on President’s Day, his young adulthood where he enjoyed Wuzzyfig’s extravagant President’s day ball, and a fight over his constant working on President’s Day with his lover.

The second spirit (a giant, bearded Obama) showed Scrumb the Cratbit family’s pathetic feast and how if Scrum would “share the wealth” everyone could be happy. The spirit then showed Scrumb how Tiny Tom would be able to get all the health care he would need under his plan.

The final, most dreadful spirit came at the stroke of 2:14 (he was a little late). There a hooded figure showed Scrumb a scary graveyard. That was about it.

Scrumb woke up in a cold sweat, ready to start his new, generous life. After the night of unearthly visitations, Edgar decided to give all his money to various charities around the Ozarks. Also Scrumb has taken a special interest in the Cratbit family where he plans to use his connections to get on “Extreme Home Maker” and ABC’s new show “Who Wants To Be Cured Of Their Horrible Disease”.

VP Biden greeted in big effin' way

Springfield, MO—On Thursday Vice President Joe Biden was greeted by Springfield residents with a huge banner that read “Have a nice Effin’ Visit”. Biden, who will attend a private fundraiser for Senate hopeful Robin Carnahan (D), has only a few hours scheduled in the Ozarks before he zips off to another campaign stop in Seattle, WA.

When asked about the Carnahan fundraiser Biden said, “I’m coming in for a big effin’ fundraiser to raise some much needed effin’ funds for her campaign. Yes, it is a big effin’ deal.” Carnahan’s spokeswoman said a new campaign theme will be unveiled at the fundraiser. Rumored to be loosely based on US Congressional hopeful Billy Long’s campaign, the new slogan will be “Effed Up?”

“’Effed Up?’ is a rally cry that binds together all hard-working Americans in the Ozarks. Simply put if you’ve ever made a mistake in your life, you should vote for Carnahan. She recognizes that people make mistakes. Have you ever effed up?” said Carnahan’s campaign.

Biden released a statement that outlined his position, “You can’t go into the Ozarks without an effin’ hick accent. Go ahead and check the facts by calling my web site number. Listen, when Mt Saint Helens erupted and its lava took down the Challenger space shuttle that caused Black Monday, President Woodrow Wilson had to deal with an economic crisis. I was there back then. Now, I hope my four-letter word vocabulary will help create more three-letter words in the Ozarks: jobs, J-O-B-S, jobs.”

Everyday, I see things that make me stop and say, “Frickin’ A.”  For those who like to abbreviate, FA would be fine.  Let me elaborate.  When I am driving and let someone into traffic ahead of me and they don’t give me a courtesy wave…Frickin’ A!  When I am at a restaurant and see one of the kitchen staffers take a pee in the bathroom and walk right out without washing his hands…right passed the sign that says “all employees must wash their hands before returning to work”…Frickin’ A right?

When I see some couple at the fair that has 9 kids and all of them are walking around barefoot with cotton candy ridden faces and fingers…Frickin’ A.  Some people prefer other made up acronyms like OMG or WTF…I like these but frankly, Frickin’ A is my favorite.  A simple spin off from a most distinguished cuss word coupled with a less dastardly word derived from a miniature horse-looking creature, Frickin’ A is a great way to express one’s inner feelings without offending anyone.

Come on…say it…feels good doesn’t it?  So today when someone takes the last cup of coffee from the coffee pot in your office break room and doesn’t starting a new pot…say it…Frickin’ A!!!  Or, when your uncle comes to visit and forgets to put the pot lid up…should you really blame him…should you chalk it up to it being dark or him just simply having bad aim…no way dude…Frickin’ A.  Happy or Sad, Frustrated or Mad…let Frickin’ A into your life…you won’t regret it.

Keep em’ coming and Frickin’ watch em’ go…

Yours truly,

Mr. Mike McMichaelson

Artist rendering of 'darn shame buildings' falling apart according to History Channel projections

Springfield, MO—The Woodruff and McDaniel buildings on Park Central East have been sold to the History Channel to be featured on a future episode of Life After People. A History Channel representative said filming will begin once the buildings start to show signs of visible decline, which should be soon since the utilities have been shut off.

According to the show, the Woodruff and McDaniel buildings will be “shown in the moments after people disappear. As each day, month, and year passes, the fate of a particular environment, city or theme is disclosed. Humans won’t be around forever, and now we can see in detail, for the very first time, the world that will be left behind through the eyes of these two structures.”

Since the buildings have been in decline for well over a decade, special effects won’t be necessary to embellish upon the existing fallen ceiling tiles, locked doors, puddles of standing water and condemned elevators. Interviews from top experts in the fields of engineering, botany, biology, geology, and archeology will provide an unforgettable visual journey through the ultimately un-hypothetical result: total demise of two iconic structures.

Flooding from a burst water main under Jefferson Avenue apparently damaged some of the basement heating and cooling equipment before the current owners bought the building in 2002, which has added to the interest of History Channel producers.

Opened in 1911 and 1914 respectively, the Woodruff and McDaniel building History Channel episodes will explore the creatures that might take our place. With humans gone, animals will inherit the places where we once lived. In a world without people, new stories of predators, survival and evolution will emerge much like today’s commercial real estate market.

Footbridge not really shaped like a foot

Springfield, MO – For years the name of “The Jefferson Avenue Footbridge” has been a source of classroom debates, heated dinner conversation and late-night radio station call-ins. FCN has attempted to bridge the gap between the name of the bridge and the reason for the name of the bridge. Many have speculated the bridge was named after lesser-known Springfield founder Jefferson Avenue, but that is merely hearsay.

According to inspections on the ground level, the bridge is not shaped like a foot.  Areal footage obtained from the FCN chopper shows that the 562 foot structure that spans numerous rail lines from Commercial to Chase Avenue is not shaped like a foot when viewed from above either. The bridge is not shaped like a foot from any angle. It is actually shaped like more of a bridge shape than anything else.

Tom McMillan, a man on the sidewalk, stated that the bridge might look like an elongated letter M, but even that was a stretch. So why is it named “Footbridge”? Citizens claim the bridge is not one foot long, nor one foot wide. “That’d be just silly,” said McMillan.

The truth astounded most observers. According to anonymous sources, the building of the bridge was made possible decades ago by a generous grant from the Foot Clan, an allegedly fictional ninja group that served as the antagonists in the popular Ninja Turtles TV show and toy line. In 1987, Oroku Saki, head of the clan, decided to branch out from terrorism and senseless violence into philanthropy. And the Missouri Board of Governors was quite willing to accept his money. The rest is footbridge history.