Som-bitch bum posing as Santa Claus on the Polar Express

Branson, MO— The Branson Scenic Railway’s Polar Express has become overrun with hobos and train jumpers claiming to be Saint Nick. Unsavory transients have flocked to the inaugural officially licensed train ride event near the Branson Landing due to the ease of hitching a ride.

“Sure we just go ‘round and come back, but it is still a free ride,” said Samuel Loren a frequent freeloader who has a long beard and slightly resembles Santa Claus. “I just ask the kids what they’d like for Christmas, tell ‘em they’ve been a nasty turd and I ain’t gettin’ them nothin’ this year ‘cept maybe a pile of coal that falls out the coal train,” he continued.

During this Great Recession, several Ozarkers have been forced into a life of wandering and homelessness. Train jumping provides an entertaining way to pass the time. “One day, my old boss and his kids we’re boarding the train and I decided to jump out and scare ‘em real bad. I said ‘the Henderson’s are elf killers!’ That shook up his kids. Serves him right for dumping me in favor of a new printer,” said Roger Grenwich, a former Staples employee.

Polar Express employees have been partially to blame for the nuisance as they give the dinner car scraps to the 21^st century hobos. “if you feed a cat and he wont’ go away, well you shouldn’t have fed that cat,” said an unidentified Branson Scenic Railway conductor. He continued by saying, “people complain about the smell of these men, the unprovoked finger gestures and the occasional booger-flipping that tend to water-down the experience we’ve worked so hard to present to our customers.”

“Hey, with my scraggly beard and tarnished clothes I may look like a bum Santa, but my new found freedom hitching rides on this train makes me feel like the high powered executive I once was,” said Louis DeQalb, a former Fidelity manager who moved to Springfield after he was fired for running a fantasy football pool.

Arist rendering of "Kaptain" Robbie Knievel's planned jump over James River Freeway

Springfield, MO—Ramp construction at Hwy 65 and James River Freeway is nearing the final stages for the Robbie Knievel “James River” jump on December 31^st. First Night Springfield organizers are excited to announce that the daredevil has visited the site numerous times to inspect the progress and take measurements prior to his record-breaking jump in the Ozarks.

“Kaptain” Robbie Knievel, son of American icon Evel Knievel, plans to jump the James River Freeway in honor of the coming New Year. “It is my resolution to jump across the freeway through a flaming hoop of fire,” said Knievel. If completed, the jump will be the longest freeway jump in history.

“This event will give the people of our community the chance to say farewell to the dreaded clover-leaf and welcome in a new dynamic interchange to be enjoyed by future generations. We couldn’t think of a better way to ring in the New Year,” said First Night Springfield organizer Joanie Allwelter.

The Springfield Regional Arts Council will have hands-on activities for kids, including a skull and crossbones face-painting station and flaming finger puppets. Advance tickets will be available beginning December 14th for $7 each or $25 for a family four-pack.