Local Nixa resident celebrates the passage of bottle rocket wars

Nixa, MO—Monday night, the Nixa Board of Alderman unanimously voted for an awesome bottle rocket war in their city. Venders are allowed to continue to sell the small sky rockets guided by the mouth of a bottle.

Usually considered a unique hazard, due to their ability to fly in many different directions other than vertically,  “bottle rockets provide an awesome way to celebrate the independence of our nation,” said new Nixa mayor Sam Clifton, “plus nothing is more awesome than a bottle rocket war!” he added.

While bottle rockets are illegal in several states they are cheap and easy to obtain. Police Chief James Bacon spoke at Monday’s meeting, saying last 4th of July weekend his department responded to more than 300 complaint calls of people setting fireworks off in the city. “If fireworks are legal, we won’t have to waste tax payer money on these stick-in-the-muds calling us all the time,” said a police representative.

Teenage kids and adult males are thrilled. “I can’t wait to teach my boy how to hold a bottle rocket in his hand, light it then toss it at the appropriate time, hurdling it towards one his friends’ head! This is awesome!,” said Matt Lowery, an overgrown kid living in Christian County.

The City of Nixa website posted a press release stating, ”we’re happy to have an awesome celebration of the Fourth of July in our city.  We will bottle rocket the hell out of any outsider who dares set foot in our town between 2:00 p.m. to 11 p.m. on the 4th of July and 2:00 p.m. to 12:30 a.m. on New Year’s Eve. – yeeehaw!”

South Avenue will be colored green, which will cover puke from St. Patrick's Day Pub Crawl Attendees

Springfield, MO—City officials announced they plan to dye South Avenue kelly green in observance of St. Patrick’s Day. Citing the lack of a central river bisecting the city, the government has decided to go with the next best option: a prominent downtown street.

Mayor Jim O’Neal said, “Given my last name has an ‘O’ and an ‘apostrophe’ my Irish heritage should be unquestioned. And understanding that Jordan Creek is mostly underground, I wish to start a new tradition in the first year of my administration to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day by coloring a historic thoroughfare green.”

Crews will begin spraying green biodegradable paint onto South Avenue at 8 am utilizing Springfield Airport’s new fire truck the Osh Kosh Striker 3000 (EZ-6) replete with a converted fire hose to dispense the coloring agent instead of water.

The Irish homage will begin at Finnegan’s Wake south of the square and extend south to Grand Street. After the work is complete insiders say O’Neal plans to use the last remaining stimulus dollars afforded the city to buy rounds of Guinness for any citizen in attendance until “we’re all Talking Irish”.

The painted street will be used as a landmark for those taking part in the mindless alcohol-fuelled revelry that is the St. Patrick’s Day Pub Crawl this weekend. Drew Maldea is planning to honor St. Patrick by spending the day drinking all the Irish beer and whiskey he can afford to produce a horrific and truly Irish puking on the street, “I want to Erin-Go-Blaaaaah and spew forth green pukeage,” said Maldea, “it will most likely blend into the green hues of the street so, pogue mahone!”

A satisfied customer leaves Voodru after a night of dancing

Springfield, MO—The Ozarks newest nightclub, Voodru, opened this past weekend amid the Mardi Gras bar crawl. The club is located in the Woodruff building in downtown Springfield at St. Louis Street and Jefferson Avenue.

The Woodruff Building, originally opened February 1, 1911, has seen several businesses come and go including local lawyer offices and the Missouri Court of Appeals. However, nobody expected the opening of a club on the property including current owner Warren Davis properties.

“We recently rented the upper floor to a group and immediately notices shrines to Bondyè, and other Lwa deities that contained perfumes, foods, and other things, but didn’t really think twice about it. Once, on the elevator, we found a rooster with its neck slit amid a mess of candles, I guess that would have been a sign that something was amiss,” said a property representative.

According to sources, The Voodru club joined the Mardi Gras pub crawl last week, several months after the entry deadline. The pub crawl organizer, Harold Shiffer, was approached by a man who had severe physical decomposition such as rotting flesh, discolored eyes, open wounds, and moved with a slow, shambling gait.

“Yeah, so this zombie lookin fella asked to put their club into the crawl and well, I tried to explain that the deadline had passed and posters were already printed etc, but he continued to grunt and moan until I agreed to drop off bracelets to Voodru,” said Shiffer.

The first 100 Voodru Club goers were presented with collectable “Voodru dolls” as an opening night gift. Those who attended the club enjoyed dancing to a series of Catholic prayers and songs in French; most made it out alive.

Warren Davis representatives confirmed that they did not stipulate charges for a “purification ceremony” in the lease agreement but are looking for a way to sneak it back into the language of the contract.

Rotisserie g-hog tastes like dark or white meat, depending on shadow recognition

Springfield, MO—Thousands of Ozarkers will celebrate Groundhog Day by feasting upon the weather-predicting varmint. Chewy yet nutritious, the humble groundhog has been feeding families in the area for decades.

“Used to be we have to go out hunting for the animal, now-a-days we can find them along a side of the road or hiding under the mobile home,” said Erv Livingston. Notable among sociologists, the groundhog has long been associated with the ability to understand Earthly wind patterns to determine the length of winter while still remaining a sustaining appetizer.

“If I had a nickel for every time one of these G-hogs hit my pit I’d be a richer man than I am now…I’d be more nickelful,” quipped Rodney Trimble a local BBQ groundhog connoisseur.

Trimble said, “all you gots to do is take a gun, .22 preferred, and aim it at the head, squeeze off a round, then skin and gut. The carcass can then be cleaned with a water hose. After quartering the critter, toss it into a trash bag of your favorite seasonings and marinade in the icebox for 3-4 days. When ready remove and grill to medium well and serve paired with Olympia canned beer.”

Livingston said the taste of G-hog depends upon the actions taken immediately before the animal is harvested. “If the groundhog sees his shadow before I hit ‘em in the head with a slingshot it tastes like dark meat, if he don’t see it then he tastes like white meat. Y’know chicken. The bacon on the G-hog tastes like bacon. It is just in smaller strips.”

Local drunk was guided home by divine intervention

Springfield, MO—Local business man George Humphrey claims the Holy Spirit guided him home after an hours long drinking binge this past Christmas. “It was a miracle that I made it the 30 miles home, I was slamming beers, ripping shots and poppin’ pills like Amy Winehouse. Fortunately, sweet Jesus took the wheel when I headed home blind from my intoxication.”

“Humpy” as his friends call him, was confirmed, “stupid jacked-up beyond the darkest shade of Guinness”. Fellow Christmas night partier James “car bomb” O’Malley witnessed Humphrey’s miraculous ride home saying, “once Humpy got into his Blazer a strange glow encompassed his car, like heaven was peering upon it. I had to look away it was so bright; when I raised my head he was gone. I can only assume that divine intervention has control of the vehicle at that point.”

The band of hooligans started drinking to shake away the sour feelings of loneliness caused by their obsessive habit of uncontrollable drinking. “I was going down the highway and about to swerve when I let go of the wheel, hit a armadillo and the impact corrected my trajectory putting me back on track,” said Humphrey.

Witnesses confirmed seeing a 4-mile span of red lights open up like the Red Sea when Humphrey’s vehicle approached. “It was the strangest thing, one minute the light was green, then red, then right back to green,” said a nearby construction worker.

Humphrey was thought to praise his blessed ride home that night by wrapping his face onto a pube-covered toilet at his home.

Local Man Causes A Spectacular Nightmare for Neighbors

Springfield, MO—The Christmas spirit has once again affected neighborhood congestion and increased neighbor frustration as Jimmy Kilroy plasters his home and lawn with thousands of holiday lights. Every Christmas, Kilroy spends months decorating his exterior with festive animatronics, hanging hundreds of twinkling light strands and choreographing them to holiday music.

Locals flock to Kilroy’s street to see the extravagant indulgence disguised as the “Christmas Spirit” while overwhelming his local electric power sub station. “I can’t stand the holidays anymore living next to him. It took my 45 minutes to get into my driveway last night.  Can’t these people just go away? This is my home, my home,” said Julie Newton sobbing as she spoke.

A City Utilities spokesman commended Kilroy’s efforts saying, “I’m sure we would all receive a significantly lower bonus each year if he decided to hang up his holiday celebrations. We wish more people in this community would follow his lead and increase their energy usage, ah, increase their Christmas Spirit, rather, every year.”

“Who does this guy think he is causing a damn roadblock with his twinkling lights? I can’t get down my street from all the rubberneckers and the intense light from his yard keeps me awake every night!” said an unidentified angry neighbor.

Kilroy is currently accepting donations to pay for his electronic vomit of exterior illumination celebration. “If the man can’t pay for it himself, he should shut it down. Is this charity or encouraging a spectacle?” muttered the unnamed neighbor as he destroyed the reindeer display nearest his lawn by kicking it in the carefully choreographed light-up chest.

Garrison's ghost pulls one last prank before Riverside Inn closes forever

Ozark, MO—Local haunt Howard Garrison played a final prank on the owners of the Riverside Inn this week by removing belongings from the restaurant. One painting, “View From the Ava Jail” was reported stolen on Sunday, then reappeared on Wednesday.

The art was created by Garrison while he was incarcerated in the Douglas County Jail after begin arrested for operating an illegal gambling enterprise. In 1973, Garrison said, “Some of my best vacations were spent in jail.”

No one reported seeing who returned the painting or even noticed anyone in the area before the subject matter was returned; further proof that Garrison was up to his old hijinks.

According to reports, people have seen plates thrown through the restaurant. Some have seen a green-glow of Garrison, walking with his cigar. Voices from unknown sources have been heard in the greenhouse. Most agree that the reigning apparition of Riverside Inn is displeased with the coming changes.

“I’m sure he’s just getting his kicks in before the restaurant is vacant. Who’s he going to haunt once the staff and diners are gone?” said one patron.

Lazy man finally turns on the Christmas lights he left up all year

Springfield, MO—Neighborhood scourge, Jimmy Holstein, lit up his omnipresent holiday lights on Tuesday, bringing to life a sting of laziness that has hung on his roof since 2005.

“The first year Holstein moved in, we all thought it was very festive that he hung Christmas lights. Then New Years came and went, and then Valentine’s Day and Easter…we weren’t sure if he forgot or just really like Christmas. Turns out he’s lazy!” said an annoyed neighbor, Sandy Yulada.

According to reports, Holstein would occasionally add gaudy Santa and snowman blow up decorations and leave them up until they were worn thin by the weather. “Usually around October, his inflatables would be shredded. We used to refer to him as celebrating ‘Chrismaween’ due to his choice to set out Halloween gear next to the lights on his bushes and trees,” said a bemused former neighbor who refused to be identified. “We’re so glad we moved in December when it seemed normal to have a neighbor with lights on their roof, even if the strands had burnt bulbs.”

Several people have asked Holstein about his annoying and inconsiderate behavior only to be met with an obscure pop culture reference of refusal. “2005 it was ‘talk to the hand’, 2007 I was told to ‘eat his shorts’, this year he’ll likely post MYOB on my blog,” said Yulada.

Springfield Chefs Unveil Cashew Turkey for the Holidays

Springfield, MO—This Thanksgiving several restaurants in the Ozarks will feature a new holiday treat, cashew turkey. This offering consists of a simple Chinese-American dish that combines breaded deep-fried turkey, cashews, and a thick gravy sauce. Side options include a cranberry dipping sauce or mashed potatoes.

Several leading chefs, from bygone restaurants such as Leong’s Tea House, Gee’s East Wind and Master Wong’s, were assembled to create the sacred dish and met in secret for months to perfect the recipe. Springfield-style cashew turkey will be served in their honor this weekend at participating restaurants.

The meal will be served at over 70 Chinese restaurants on Thursday, as well as many non-Chinese restaurants, in and around the Springfield metropolitan area, and elsewhere in Missouri and other states.

David Leong, 89, oversaw the recipe development and says this menu item will “suit the palates of Midwesterners with Chinese tastes at Thanksgiving.” Leong developed Springfield-style cashew chicken and first served it in 1963 at the Grove Supper Club in Springfield. Leong’s creation became exceedingly popular in the Springfield area and is often cited as the unofficial “dish of the city”.

Springfield's Christmas tree could use some fluffing

Springfield, MO—Saturday night the City of Springfield gathered her closest friends, circled around  the ol’ Christmas tree and lit her ablaze officially welcoming in the holiday season.

Several dignitaries attended and scribbled their individual Santa Claus requests upon a scroll located at a large table. Mayor Jim O’Neal said all he wanted for Christmas was his sales tax revenue. Fire and Police Chiefs wrote Santa asking for addition funding for their combined pension fund.

MODOT officials have requested more construction bids to repave every Ozarkers driveway. Health officials hope to receive more H1N1 vaccinations in their stocking. The downtown officials are asking Santa baby to HUD provides loan money to renovate the Heers building.

Springfield residents voiced their wants as well by asking the great elf for another tower to complete the Plaza Towers conquest for multiple structures, free parking for the Christmas tree lighting ceremony and a stop light reduction campaign to remove 3,000 of the 10,000 existing traffic lights in the city.

Event organizers are hoping they receive more funds next year to purchase a respectable Christmas tree to light.