Parent scream with excitement!

Springfield, MO – The first day of school signals the beginning of individual freedoms for thousands of Ozarks parents across the city. August 15 brings absolute independence from 9-3 Monday – Friday and many parents are eager to taste the sweet liberty that secondary education offers.

“F’ yeah – let’s all go to White Water, tailgating in the parking lot begins now!” screamed one father after dropping his children off at Field Elementary school. “We’re going to Jump Mania for Parent’s Day”, yelled a mother back, “they’re serving margaritas on the inflatable thrones!” Many parents could be seen speeding down the street to their anticipated destination of free reign.

“I love my kids, but I also love the tradition of letting them go to school so I can have a shopping spree without having to wipe anyone’s nose with a skirt from a nearby mannequin,” said Ashley Womberg  in the parking lot of Disney Elementary.

Traditionally, an increase in spending is reported at nearby bars, haberdasheries, retail stores, entertainment venues and movie theaters. “Back to School celebrations are very important to maintain a healthy local economy here in Springfield. We’re usually ready for an increase or influx of funds by the end of the summer. Luckily, our parents save a little bit of spending money for themselves after filling coin purses with milk money,” said City financial consultant Ripley Smitterhorn.

Giant shakey brat waves in customers

Springfield, MO – Local brat-shop Bratwurst Hutte plans to add an enormous shaking traffic stopper to their location on East Battlefield road soon. Several options include a very large sausage, a gyrating bratwurst or several big hot dogs bundled together to draw attention from drivers traversing Battlefield road.

According to Pineapple Whip employee Kale McFritters, the giant hula girl allows business to boom. “Yeah if we didn’t have the female flying Hawaiian up there shaking her hips, we’d have a really boring job to do”, said McFritters. Given the close proximity of the Bratwurst Hutte to the Pineapple Whip stand, a budding friendship grown and secrets to roadstand food success have been shared.

“I told ‘em they needed a giant shakin’ weiner up there on their hut to let people know dat what your sellin’ every day. Just put some meat on a stick and make it wiggle,” said Horton Yankers who eats at Pineapple Whip and Bratwurst Hutte fifteen times a week.

Bratwurst Hutte is looking into new flexible materials that allow for maximum bending without sacrificing strength. “I think we’ve landed on a material and a design to place upon our hut, but the material we’ve chosen doesn’t do very well in the rain so we’ll have to place a large plastic rubber cover on it, but we really don’t want to do that for fear of losing that natural feel to our business,” said brat burner Hal Smokem.

Before the office party got really weird

Springfield, MO- According to several sources, the office Halloween party at McMerchant Accounting Firm was somewhere between “totally crazy” and “off da hook.” The party goers, mostly accountants and executive assistants, all stated they had a wild time that will never be forgotten.

“I have such a hang over,” stated accountant Wildfred Marksdale. “I took so many shots. And then I totally made out with a girl from the cubicle across from me, then we had this séance and called unspeakable horrors from the neither realm. And then I photocopied my butt. It was awesome.”

Other wild and crazy antics included drunken twister, costume contest, making pacts with the dark lord, truth or date, somehow contracting a zombie like plague, eating way to much candy, and eating way to much human flesh.

“I was totally doing this upside down beer bong while pledging my soul to Lucifer and Saunders from the annex took a huge chunk out of my thigh with his already rotting teeth. So I popped him one. I never punched a man before. It was awesome,” states Mary Stargrant, a 67-year-old secretary.

Around 3:33 things got really crazy. A coven of witches, a pack of werewolves, and a stagger of frat boys joined the party. The group gorged themselves on man flesh, gave potions to numerous guest, and left. The witches and werewolves were also there, but were perfect guests.

“I know we all have some regrets,” said manager Grant Maxpert, “But, this is nothing compared to the Christmas Party. After last years’ I needed 9-months of therapy. Oh crap. Here come the flashbacks again. NO! NOOOO!!!!!!”

SGF Cheddar's location swirls evil feelings via fans to create its famous cookie monster dessert

Springfield, MO—A local family seeking a comfortable lunch was thrust into a nightmare dining hell this Sunday while attempting to dine casually at Cheddar’s. “I really was looking forward to having a nice lunch with the in-laws to cap off the weekend. I had no idea that it would be the most memorable dining experience I’ve ever had – it was completely awful!” said one of the party.

According to their website, Cheddar’s goal is “to be a great restaurant that serves quality food fresh from the kitchen in a friendly, comfortable atmosphere at a fair price.” However, the Springfield location may have misunderstood the simple mantra and seeks only to “be a great place of torture and mental anguish by exposing families with babies and grandparents to unbearable wait times, snobby and aloof hostesses, menu items with missing ingredients and a kitchen that pushes out salads, apps, kid’s meals and entrees at the same time.”

One family member horribly scarred from the dining experience said, “that Cheddar’s is one-of-a-kind. You can’t go just anywhere and be glared at by 5 hostesses huddled around a podium. Those poor girls likely were angry at us because they couldn’t figure out how to pull together two tables. So sad, but it is a dining event I won’t soon forget!”

The family reported that once their meals arrived, it was much easier to chew having grinded their teeth for an hour watching scores of diners be sat before them. “Yes, we had to wait a long time, but g-ma got lots of reading done. Fortunately when we mentioned our wait time to the general manager at Cheddar’s he half-heartedly comp’d our meal. Which gave us some bit of relief, which was quickly ripped away when our waitress came back weeping with the bill. Apparently the Cheddar’s staff told her she was a bad server. I guess it is easier to incorrectly blame one innocent person than the horde of idiots seating people.”

Mobile taco whore

Springfield, MO—The mobile Mexican merchant located on Sunshine street has recently confessed to being “a grille who gets around a lot”. Coming as no surprise local patrons to the whore de taco said, “yeah I mean I know a  lot of people who put their dirty mouths on their tacos.”

According to the Greene County Health Board, “it is called the ‘traveling taco’ for a reason,  that place gets around if you know what I mean.”

Local head shops have assigned a different meaning to the Traveling Taco insisting that one can buy some awesome weed, “Yo, we going travelin’ this weekend? Hows about we assign someone to get some ‘tacos’ at the ‘travelin’ ‘taco’?” said one Deadhead while making finger quotes.

More to the point, the Traveling Taco has lived up to its heritage of fancy ladies parading across the plains entertainting folk along the way, be it homestead women or ranchin’ men. “Everytime I come to town, I just have to stop by the Traveling Taco for a bite,” said Richard Newman a  farmer out of Iowa.

Traveling Taco ownership states that, “we truly weren’t considering naming our business after a prostitute who roams the land searching for her next john or trick. We are the taco that moves around. I mean we are the corn tortilla that shifts to meet people’s needs…y’know what we are! Just swing by and hand over your money for some instant gratifaction….why are you doing this to me!?”

Surprise - we're related!

Springfield, MO- A budding romance between Amy Boone and Kurt Brower ended yesterday when they both discovered that they are blood relatives. The awkward situation arouse when they decided to “party hop” noticing both their family reunions happened at the same park, at the same day, at the same time.

“At first I was excited. Then I thought: wow our reunions are really close. Then I thought: they must be right next to each other. Then I thought: we must be sharing a pavilion. Then I thought: Oh God, Oh God no!” stated Kurt, “Then Amy just started dry heaving.”

“We didn’t know what to do. We both bragged about our new relationships. So we parked far away and walk in at exactly 15 minutes apart. The it got really awkward when we had to do the three legged race together,” stated Amy.

Amy and Kurt met at a mutual friend’s party. They hit it off so well because they had the same taste in music; both from large, northern Missouri families; the same facial structure, and their fathers both hated family gatherings.

“We just really clicked”, Amy told a friend after the party. “It is like we were cut from the same cloth. And it is so funny, but he said ‘this music makes me want to jump out a window’ which is what my great uncle Saul always said.”

After the party, the couple went on numerous dates where they would: finish each other sentences, notice their hair color is exactly the same, compare identical family crests, and made out a lot.

“I don’t know exactly where we go from here,” states Kurt. “I guess we either break up or move 40 miles south across the border.”

Roasting over a redneck fire

Springfield, MO- Billy Ray Grangerford hosted a delightful Bar-B-Que last night according to numerous party guests. Billy, known as the Martha Stewart of the backwoods, has hosted many events from the past such as: Ray’s “Road House” themed bachelor party, “Everywhich way But Loose” movie night complete with “monkey brain” made with food coloring and badger brains, moonshine tasting, and Ray’s “Road House” themed divorce party.

“This party is going be amazing,” said friend Austin Houston. “Billy Ray’s cooking makes my Aunt Grandma’s famous catfish surprise taste like crap..which makes since because it is mostly made of crap” Austin was wearing a tuxedo T-shirt, jeans, light up belt buckle, and cowboy boots.

The guests were greeted with a three-course meal. The night began with a meet-and-greet coupled with squirrel tartare appetizers. Then guest were then seated and treated to road kill armadillo soup served in an upturned armadillo shell. While the soup was being served guest were shareing sparkling conversations about: their respective damn dogs, the new style of trucker hats, and Voltaire’s classical work Candide’s perfect ability to level the patio table. The main course was wild hog stuffed with bacon and pork chops.

“Thatwasonefineassdinner,”said Suzie Lee Carter, “IfeltlikeIwasCindyellaattheball.” Suzi was wearing a jeans cut off, plaid shirt tied over her beer gut, and saran wrap shoes.

The dining area was decorated with candles in fox skulls, old cars, and centerpieces created out of beer cans coupled with shell casings.“It’s a good thing,” said Billy Ray.

Because of the parties’ complete success, Billy is looking forward to his July 4^th party. “It is going to be Winter’s Bone meets Studio 54, you do the math,”stated Billy. “And yes, I did say mAth.”

Man keepin’ Branson real…old

Branson M0- After a police sting operation, numerous restaurants in the Branson area have been found guilty of serving patrons under the age of 65. Branson known as the “Vegas of the Mid-West With Colostomy Bags” prides itself to be the vacation spot for the old and old at heart. Many of the “youngins” (people born before the 50’s) are strictly forbidden to go to many shows because of their “cock of the walk attitude” and “new fangled cell phone thingys”. But, some of the whippersnappers made it through their defenses.

“We sent three 40 year olds to see what restaurant would serve them,” said Gerald P. Fansworth between cussing at the local golf course. “Many restaurant sent them packing through the usual means: waving their canes, threatening to keep their Frisbees, and taking back their offer of the promise of hard candies. But, some of those hipsters punks slipped through.”

The usual ways of detecting non-seniors are usually 100% effective. They include trying to start causal conversations about Nixon and noting how long the turn signal was on before turning into the parking lot. Also any person eating dinner after 3:30 of course is seen as a minor.

“I can’t believe so many restaurants let those rug rats in. When I go to Branson I want to have a pleasant dinner at 3, have coffee at 5, and bed by 6. And when I have a wild, crazy night like that I don’t want any of those kiddos cramping by style,” stated Cornelius Q. Grumpton.

The leadership of Branson, the local Elks Lodge 502, issued this statement from their press conference held in a sauna: We are saddened for this news. Branson is a haven for those tired of dealing with those t-shirt wearing, iPOD having, Bravo watching, young people. We gave them a deal: we let them have that Branson Landing with its fancy ice cream and olive painting stores. And then they stay the hell out of real Branson. Next time we see them we will spank them on site.

Sorry y'all, this ain't about eating turtles

Springfield, MO—To celebrate Earth Day, Slow Foods of Southwest Missouri is hosting two movies at the Moxie Cinema tonight, however Moxie management insists that the theatre food is indeed served quickly.

“No, no, you see there are two movies, Fresh and The Vanishing of the Bees that are dealing with the slow food movement. It has nothing to do with our service,” said a representative for the Moxie management team.

An inquisitive potential patron, Suzie Yumilla, said, “I’d like to go learn about this slow food movement, but I’m not sure I’ll have good service during the movies, I mean are they going to have to grow my popcorn while I wait for it?”

Nathan Spokelherb asked, “So if I go to see the movies tonight, will I have to grow my own food to sneak it into the theatre to avoid paying for snacks to nosh on?” Moxie management stressed, “No, no, no the movies are about slow food, not that we have slow food. How many times do we have to say this, seriously?”

Luther Northern, of Nixa, MO, expressed interest in the event so he could “know how to cook slow food like turtle and snail, y’know them animals that ain’t so quick but are easy to catch.”

Slow Foods was quick to point out that their efforts are about creating dramatic and lasting change to spread the word about food, organic farming and buying local, not consuming critters that can’t run. They encouraged those interested in “We’re Right Here” week to visit the Moxie tonight at 7pm and 9 pm or visit www.slowfoodswmo.com for more information or hit their Facebook page.

Forgetful Springfield man earns woman's scorn...again

Springfield, MO- A collective groan was heard all over Springfield yesterday when hundreds of Ozark area husbands realized that they forgot Valentine’s day. Although the February 14th holidays falls on the same date every year (February 14th) many husbands were befuddled by the fact it was a Monday.

“I knew something was up when she gave my icy glares and sighs,” said Chance Carter, a local husband. “But, it was a Monday so I had a thousand things on my mind, mostly I hate Mondays.”

“I just thought it was her time of the month, you know when “Grey’s Anatomy has a repeat. I guess I screwed up. That’s fine I can make it up on her birthday…which is February 15. Oh shi-,” explained Ron Shoe, another forgetful husband, as he dashed to the nearest Wal-Greens.

Many florist, jewelers, and candy store owners were not surprised with the husbands’ mistakes. They plan to see a spike in sales over the next two days. Salesmen at the JC Penny Home Store also expect a spike in sheets that fit perfectly over a couch and extra pillows.

The wives of the husbands have been plotting their revenge for the forgotten holiday. The revenges include: accidentally putting a red sock in the whites, burning the meatloaves, and flirting with Greg (the cute, single guy at work).