Zodiac icons designed by Aaron Thweatt

Zodiac icons designed by Aaron Thweatt

Zodiac icons designed by Aaron Thweatt

Zodiac icons designed by Aaron Thweatt

Zodiac icons designed by Aaron Thweatt

WTF zodiac?

SPRINGFIELD, MO—The earth’s alignment has changed and so have the dates assigned to zodiac signs. “We’ve known about this for awhile,” admitted Parke Funkle, official spokesperson for the American Coalition of Astrologers (ACA) and vice president of Dudes with Weird Names (DWN). “It was time for a change, horoscopes just weren’t selling like they used to.”

According to Funkle, horoscopes were only being read in Cosmo Magazine, and horoscopes had been being dropped from various publications over the past few years. “We ended up even losing our strongest demographics,” said Funkle, “which, of course, are the Godless, the morbidly obese, and the bored.”

The shift in the zodiac even includes a new sign: Ophiuchus, also known as “The Snake Holder,” or “The Cousin Oliver”. “Just think of it as giving a sitcom an additional character—that always makes the show popular again,” said Funkle.

“I love the zodiac’s shift,” said Springfield resident George Sheady, “it has totally revived my interest in horoscopes and destiny and stuff. I used to be an Aries and now I’m a Pisces—and I couldn’t be happier. I used to act all impulsive and I was a total control freak, but now I’m more creative and sensitive. However, my girlfriend and I don’t get along anymore. Also, I think I might be gay now.”

Not everyone is accepting the shift as well as Sheady. “The zodiac sold out,” said former horoscope supporter, Lynn O’Gorman of Nixa, MO, “and I just don’t know what to believe anymore. Astrology used to mean something—it used to be a reliable science, like fortune telling or Farkle. How can I believe something that changes every few thousand years? Anything so fickle can’t be trusted.”

The general opinion on the zodiac shift has yet to be determined.

Zodiac icons designed by Aaron Thweatt