Illuminated cross no longer leads infirm to infirmary

Springfield, MO – Local ambulances, patients and hospital visitors to St. John’s have had extreme difficulty locating the healthcare institution since the giant illuminated cross has been extinguished atop the structure. The cross served as a beacon of sorts, leading the infirm to a place of healing and hope.

“I wandered the black night searching for medical attention; usually I just followed the soft blue glow of the St. John’s cross when I had medical issues in the past. Now I just found myself at a Braum’s drive though menu, asking for an extra-large suture and a Diet Coke,” said Sue Wompings.

Sources indicate that over 52 ambulance missions were diverted or misguided due to the loss of the “lighthouse of the hospice”. Hospital officials hope that the larger-than-life neon display will be back up and running soon as traffic has been down 52% over the past week.

“We rely on the large blue cross for those with illness or injury to find immediate medical treatment. Since it has been down we’ve been slow, but we’ve also had a lot of fun. Doctors and nurses are having wheelchair races, playing darts with syringes and even played spin the Tylenol bottle,” said janitor Ned Timmons.

Cross Zapper 3000 activated at night

Springfield, MO—A new feature will be added to the cross that resides on St. John’s Hospital this Spring—a new zapper element to eliminate nuisance bugs in the Springfield area. The St. John’s bug zapper, known as Cross Zapper 3000, is anticipated to attract and kill more than 200,000 disease-carrying insects in a single evening.

Pending a few modifications to the existing structure—electrical current from the local transformer and the addition to a huge tray to collect the electrified exoskeletons—the new Cross Zapper 3000 should be up and running by the end of the week.

Dr. Kyle Themall said, “We were looking for a way to prevent the spread of encephalitis, dengue, malaria, and West Nile Fever when we realized that they were all tied to one single insect, the mosquito. After long hours of debate into the night, I strolled outside for a smoke and noticed the illuminated cross atop our building and eureka! I had the idea to make a giant bug zapper of it.”

The Cross Zapper 3000 will be run by energy efficient means as the creepy bug corpses collected will be burned in a furnace that feeds the current to the device. Said local environmentalist Guy B. Buggin, “Arthropods are among the most diverse group of animals on the planet and represent more than half of all known living organisms on Earth – I think we can afford to lose a few here in the Ozarks.”

Smoking bubble gum cigar produces awful smell

Springfield, MO—Following the birth of Nathan and Sandy Brody’s first son at St. John’s Hospital, a tobacco-free campus, celebrators were forced to smoke bubble gum cigars in the couple’s assigned room.

“I was so excited to greet my new nephew that I purchased candy, er bubble gum cigars for the event. Given that you can’t have real cigars on the hospital grounds, the blue-colored ones are the only other real option,” said Chivas Brody, the proud new uncle.

According to witnesses, the entire male population of the family held the bubble gum cigars in their mouths and lit them up at the same time, causing quite the upsetting experience.

“The bubble gum didn’t ignite like a real cigar, it just kinda smoldered and wasn’t very easy to draw. Actually it tasted horrible. Like burnt bubble gum. I wouldn’t want to celebrate anything with that taste in my mouth, especially the birth of my son,” said Jacques Brody, grandfather of the newborn child.

To make matters worse, St. John’s staff instructed the family that no burning of any materials was allowed at the institution. “I was kicked out for trying to celebrate a new birth at a hospital. They said I released unknown toxins in the air by firing up a blue blunt. How are kids supposed to learn about real life if they can’t be exposed to things that will hurt them?” pondered Chivas Brody.

Black Friday shoppers line up to recieve discounted medical treatment at St. John's Hospital

Springfield, MO—Early morning Black Friday shoppers lined up to receive up to discounted medical care last week at St. John’s Hospital. Hundreds of shoppers braved the weather camping out all night waiting for the special healthcare deals to kick in at 5 am.

“People started lining up at 8 pm the night before, staking their claim in line. I think it is nuts but whateve,” said one hospital patient peering out of her window. The line of people extended from the St. John’s Hospital entrance through the parking lot to the St. John’s Surgery Center.

The Heart Rock Deli and Skyview Café provided snacks to those waiting in line for services ranging from emergency needs to elective surgery. “I’ve had a broken arm for two weeks and I’ve been waiting for the Black Friday sale so I could get a great deal on my ‘first aid’ and recovery fees,” said Huey Torrent, who broke his arm in an arm wrestling contest.

Several deal-seekers confided that they had been living with multiple health problems allowing them to pile up until this special season. “Last month my cough increased and my pregnancy resulted in a premature home birth, however, I thought I could wait a bit until I could get the best price to be admitted to a hospital. Thank you St. John’s!” said Roxie Jump, holding her newborn infant.

St John’s Health System offered half-price cancer treatments, 40% off all CyberKnife radiosugery in the neuroscience department, as well as, up to 80% off routine doctor visits.

“In this time of medical uncertainty for millions of Americans, we felt it necessary to provide an opportunity for every person to have access to medical care. Insured or uninsured, our discounted services apply to each person seeking treatment,” said St. John’s Health System President/CEO, Kim Day.