Old Man Winter Smack the Ozarks

Springfield, MO—Old Man Winter sat his white, shriveled butt right above the Ozarks yesterday and blew the coldest, most bitter wind onto the area straight from his frigid arse.

“I was walking to work and Old Man Winter sucker punched me in the legs with a bitterly cold wind. The dude has old man strength because he kept pounding me from my car to the front door, right as I was about to walk it, he nut tapped me just to prove a point,” said Wimbley Samsonan, a staff accountant at Great Southern Bank.

Most SGFers bundled themselves in multiple layers, forcing them to dress in a ridiculous fashion to avoid the freezing temperatures. Tony Huffington, a ditch-digger said, “No way I’m going outside to work today, that Old Man Winter is a real bastard. “

Even the cities hardest, toughest citizens were put in their place by the aged old fart. “I couldn’t take it, too cold for me to work out today,” said Newt Fingerton, a regular at CrossFit gym.

When reached for comment, Old Man Winter said, “I’ve managed to make most everyone uncomfortable by clinching my frozen butt-cheeks onto the Ozarks. I just can’t ever seem to get the Springfield School System to close. One day, one day I shall create a school cancellation. Aha, ahaa, ahahaha!”

Neighbor meth lab threat meter level is at medium

Springfield, MO—With the recent onslaught of treacherous winter weather, KSPR has introduced the Threat Meter to help Ozarkers understand the most likely means by which they will die in the near future. Over the past several weeks, the meter has gained popularity by including threats such as “snow,” “ice,” “wind,” and “cold.” However, these threats are only seasonal and meteorologist Devin Brighty is worried that the Threat Meter could lose some appeal as temperatures warm and icicle impalements becomes less likely.

To help sustain interest in the Threat Meter, KSPR will be adding “Meth Lab Neighbor” and “Overzealous Police Officer” in the coming months. “Winter weather, though violent and deadly as all get out, is fleeting in this area, so we knew that we had to add a couple of more common threats to the meter,” said Brighty. “There’s less than a ten percent chance that your average Ozarker will be dismembered by Jack Frost, so it’s really not that big of a threat. But there’s about a forty percent chance that you have a meth lab neighbor and a fifty percent chance that they’ll try to eat your face at some point. So that’s a pretty big threat.”

As for the overzealous sexual offender, Brighty said that the threat will not be tied specifically to one town or city’s offenders, since all seem equally likely to handcuff, tazer, and/or urinate on someone.