Unkempt lawns distracted FEMA from declaring emergency

Springfield, MO – The Federal Emergency Management Agency denied Missouri Gov. Jay Nixon’s request for a major disaster declaration based on the number of old refrigerators, bathtubs and automobiles found in neighbors’ yards. In most areas of Taney and Stone County it was very difficult for Federal assessors to determine where tornado damage began and irresponsible property ownership ended.

“Are you kidding me, just because my home was ripped apart by natural causes, I get the shaft because of the jerk down the street who likes to sit on the couch in his front yard?! Ridiculous!” said Harry Twerding of Branson, MO.

FEMA officials did report finding numerous clusters of concrete lawn ornaments collected in unique locations throughout the area. “Yeah, real strange, I’m guessing the tornado picked up these lawn decorations from across the county and upon losing torque, dropped them into certain areas. I mean what one place would have giant gnomes, bears, and cowboys made of concrete?” said FEMA damage assessor Guy Shittles.

Gov. Jay Nixon insists that the area does need assistance and plans to guide the FEMA team through a tour of Northern Arkansas to give them perspective into the damage caused by the recent tornadoes. “If they can see how some people live south of here, perhaps they will understand the crisis we’re dealing with,” said an aid.

FEMA unicorns dispatched to Joplin via the velvety tones of Obama

Joplin, MO—President Obama visited the tornado-ravaged, Jasper County town this week to offer handshakes, hugs and federal assistance in the form of his magical herd of unicorns.

As the President spoke to a crowd of a few hundred people whimsical fairies flew from his coattails and spread pixie dust over those gathered. As the glittery specs dissipated, a loud chorus of angels sang and the federally approved unicorn herd flew down from the Heavens, illuminated by an effervescent light from above.

W. Craig Fugate, Administrator of the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA), confirmed that the legendary woodland creatures will remove debris, serve meals and provide financial assistance to those in need.

Joplin resident John Knoxvorn said, “I was really impressed by President Obama’s speech and I was equally enthralled by the entrance of the unicorn herd.” Unfortunately, most were disappointed by the real work done by the horned beasts. “After Obama flew away most of the ‘herd’ turned out to be cardboard cutouts. The only magic that was produced by one unicorn was a heap of dung. I’m pretty sure it was a donkey with a painted paper towel roll taped to its head,” said Knoxvorn.

One animal was seen pulling a rope attached to a car trying to haul it to the landfill. “I saw that thing hiffing and puffing. It finally fell over dead. The FEMA unicorns are a crock. Of course, I hear real unicorns only help virgins, so I guess I’m not getting any assistance anytime soon! Hey ladies, how you doin?” remarked Stan Fillumger.

A giant postcard rests upon a destroyed home near Southern Hills lake

Springfield, MO – Residents of southeast Springfield were greeted with calamitous surprise this morning. At approximately 7:25 a.m. a large quarter-mile sized postcard sliced through the Southern Hills neighborhood, crushing fourteen houses and damaging countless others. The massive postcard read, “Spring Has Sprung in Springfield Missouri,” accompanied by a picture of a flowering hillside.

News of the catastrophe spread rapidly and a suspect was arrested quickly. The suspect is an enormous monster who goes by the name, Luke Wilson. Wilson had been arrested while standing in Missouri and Montana throwing postcards across the country with no regard for the human consequences. The only statement Wilson made was on his arrival up the courthouse steps. Wilson could be heard shouting, “I was only demonstrating the superior coverage of AT&T.”

“I don’t give a damn what he was demonstrating,” said victim Charles Beaner. “That mammoth beast is responsible for making my two story home a split level. I’d like to rollover his minutes.” The postcard stretches from Sunset all the way to Eastmoor. It sliced through the first houses it hit and then damaged several others as it fell on its side, nearly missing the Verizon Wireless store on Battlefield.

I could see the great beast in the sky throwing cards haphazardly and I thought to myself, “Is that the guy from The Royal Tenenbaums? He’s taller in person,” said Southern Hills resident, Maggie Germaine. “I figure he must be angry about his career opportunities.”

Governor Jay Nixon plans on calling the scene a disaster area, but can’t get good enough reception to alert the proper authorities.

Martinez shows relief after laying herself off as director of economic development citing ecomonic pressures

Jefferson City, MO— Linda Martinez has been laid off as Missouri‘s economic development director after only eight months on the job. She decided to lay herself off due to economic pressures and in an effort to reduce overhead on the Show-Me State.

Martinez, the first woman to hold the position, told Governor Jay Nixon that Missouri’s economic situation was too strapped to afford her salary and that eliminating her position would be a great cost saving move for taxpayers. Nixon said a search for a permanent replacement will begin immediately and added he would prefer to hire a candidate willing to work for half the pay of the previous director’s salary. It may be that an intern is selected to take over the duties associated with reviving the states’ economic and financial health.

Nixon said in a statement. “Her efforts to create jobs and to give the department increased economic development tools was really an uphill battle. We’re in the worst economic slump since the Great Depression. After state advertising budgets were slashed, effectively stunting the growth of tourism, Martinez did what any good samurai would – fall upon her own sword. I wish her success in her return to private practice, I hope that she can find work soon with the assistance of the Missouri Career Center.”

Martinez is accepting resume help at this time and is asking friends and family members if they know of any states who are needing an economic development director because, “(she) can’t find that job title listed in the help wanted section of the newspaper, Monster or CareerBuilder.”

Missouri’s unemployment rate in August was a dizzying 9.3%. Missouri lost 3,300 jobs in local government that month “three thousand three hundred and one,” said Martinez.

State officials said the quickest way to alert teens to the new change in law was to send them instant messages. “The messages are instant,” said Nixon. Distracted driving in any form is considered hazardous and the state thought it imperative to contact these teens as soon as possible.

Teen driver Lindy Holmgren said, “I was almost about to start my car when I received the text message from a Gov. Nixon. I was like, whateve lame. After I read it I totally blocked his number.”

Other teens weren’t so lucky. Austin Yammsville wrecked his car while reading the text message containing the new law changes. “Man, I was executing an attempt to parallel park and my phone blew up, so I checked it. Next thing I know, my rear bumper is two feet deep into a Chevy Tahoe. Thanks for the update G-Nix.”

When alerted to the problems, a spokesperson for the Governor said he was resting at home with tender texting thumbs, however, we was pleased that the messages had all been received. If teens don’t respond to the new laws, a new program is waiting in the wings. The Text-a-lizer, is an application installed onto a mobile phone that can detect if a teen has been texting and when activated will turn off the teen’s vehicle or lock out the ignition system preventing an increase in unsafe roadways.

Owner Darin Patterson said all he needed to do was to push, pull or drag in his old loan in exchange for the new loan. He says all you need to do is “pick a loan, pick a payment” and you’re off to the bank. “I even got a free hot dog and cola at the big, big, big, loan lot. The big loan lot.”

A combined $250,000 has been awarded to 10 businesses, Gov. Jay Nixon announced Friday adding, “We’re losing our shirt on this deal; these loans won’t be here tomorrow!”

A remainder of $1.75 million is available to help small southwest Missouri businesses weather the economy. The Missouri Department of Economic Development and Missouri Finance Board boys are dealing the program to consumers as of earlier this year and claim loan recipients are not required to buy an extended warranty on the loan to participate. Additionally, they promote their program as a place where “it’s fun to buy a loan”.

Patterson plans to thank Nixon for placing his used-car dealership in the first round of recipients and claims “I can’t wait to get into Nixon’s office—what a place!”. Nixon claims that if you don’t get a loan from him, he can’t save YOU any money. “Now what’s it going to take to get you into this loan today?” asks the Governor. Jefferson City is only 1 minute from Springfield at 3,650 miles per hour†.

*Qualified lenders only. Credit scores based on position of Venus in final stages of super-hyper descent within Orion’s Belt. All offers on specific loans only, no double coupons or factory rebates. Tags, tax, titles, license fees and administrative costs will be expensive.
† Please do not drive this fast. If you can drive this fast, you don’t need a government loan. You could be a bank robber and outrun any police vehicle or enter your fast car in illegal street drag races and win money under the table.

Governor Jay Nixon said, “I hope that we can find the same joy watching a skilled applicant receive a job offer, as we do watching an athletic, college-aged kid cut to the basket, juke a poser and jam in down the hoop tomahawk style….boom, that’s awesome!” as he chest-bumped one of his security detail.

A JQH arena spokesman said they have seen ticket sales jump since the new events have been announced. “Jobless in Springfield” seems to be the largest attraction as area spectators plan to pay up to $40 a ticket to watch people compete in various tests of endurance to win entry level positions. “I can’t wait to see the business men face off in the joust,” said Huey Younger who purchased season tickets at the “Q”. Other popular events include, Receptionist as Deceptionist, VP Cage Match, and Lower-level Limbo. “This is better than reality tv, better than the Romans’ Coliseum, this is real life survival of the fittest!” continued Younger.

“I signed up for the breadline but they entered me into the ‘lion fighting for financial freedom’ event,” said an elderly surely-to-be-sacrificed to the beasts former Wal-Mart greeter. Missouri State University is responsible for the maintenance and bills at JQH arena and is hopeful that these new “employment events” will breathe new life into the facilities.

If the economy really tanks over the next few months, public executions via the guillotines, stoning and other medieval torture events will fill the traditional “entertainment” void.

“Mojo sad,” said Mojo, a large inflatable gorilla, after seeing his large inflatable pink slip. Mojo has a similar story to those across the Ozark. Gorillas of all shapes and colors have been cast aside as the bleak economy continues to devastate the car industry. Their big goofy grins and wide-eyed stares barely cover the pain they feel inside. To make ends met the gorillas try jobs out of their usual skill set.

“Tam-Tam no understand,” says Tam-Tam as he stares at a computer screen while temping at Harlow & Associates. “What shiny black box do?”

Other than temping the large inflatable gorillas have also tried working at fast food restaurants, chain retails stores, and joining the military. All with poor results.

“The idea of an iron-clad gorilla charging the battle field with shoulder mounted rocket launchers is exciting and terrifying. But having a large purple balloon that could be ruptured by bullets or even a tack is not an effective strategy,” said Gen. P. Thornbird. “So, no. We aren’t hiring a lot of large inflatable gorillas right now.”

No jobs for large inflatable gorillas means a decline in large inflatable cash so other industries are also failing. Sales of large inflatable bananas, large inflatable coconuts, and large inflatable tree huts are at an all time low.

Governor Jay Nixon is trying to give some relief with free helium kitchens.