Ozarks champion fighter issues a cage match challenge to other Springfield Mayors

Springfield, MO—In light of the recent economic downturn that the entire nation is enduring, Springfield Mayor Jim O’Neal has come up with a unique way to boost both the morale and coffers of the Queen City.

In a bold and unprecedented departure from “politics as usual” Mayor O’Neal has publicly called out the mayors of all 35 cities in the United States bearing the name Springfield, and is challenging them to a cage match to determine which Springfield is supreme.

“Yes, it is true that I’ve sent letters to the mayors of all Springfields in this great nation in an attempt to clarify, once and for all, which city can lay claim to being “America’s Springfield” the Mayor said when asked for comment, “and believe you me, I have no intention of letting down my Ozarkians by losing the cage match.”

When pressed for details about what the rules concerning the cage match involved, O’Neal refused to nail down specifics, only stating that if one watches “‘Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome‘….they’ll get the general idea.” When pressed further, he said “35 men enter, one man leaves!” and then pounded the podium with what looked to be some sort of blunt striking weapon. “I have the full support of the city council on this, and I intend to be crowned champion!”

It seems to be the hope of His Honor that such a match will have a serious and positive economic impact on local businesses; he said he is still finalizing plans to hold the showdown on the roof of long-abandoned department store Heers, thereby providing the first use of the building in nearly two decades. “In the days of Caesar, the gladiatorial matches were held to uplift the spirits of the common man as Rome was falling. I, Jim O’Neal, will be that gladiator for my beloved Springfield, and I will bring honor and glory back to the land of cashew chicken! You have my word!”

When the mayors of the other Springfields were asked about their invitation to a no-holds barred grudge match, none of them seemed to have heard of the audacious challenge. The most information provided came from Springfield, Georgia, Mayor Scott Jones who, after being told of the cage match, offered this statement: “I don’t know who this Jim O’Whats-His-Name thinks he is, but by God, I’ll take a road trip up there to whip his Yankee ass if he thinks he can talk smack about our beloved city.” When informed that Missouri is actually considered a “border state”, Mayor Jones quickly lost interest and ended the conversation.

As plans for this event, which promises to be a spectacle of the highest order, become available or even grounded in reality, you can check back here for details.

“Zzzz-ow!” cried one official after feeling the shock to the tongue while cutting the red ribbon at the plant. Plant manager Jim Kenny greeted Mayor Jim O’Neal with a battery-powered electric shock hand buzzer. “Leapin’ lizards’ lollipops,” yelped O’Neal—drawing a laugh from the assembled crowd—before exiting to change his soiled chinos.

“Soon we’ll have over 900 employees. That means we could kick the crap out of small towns like Fremont Hills, just because we want to,” said Kenny.

The new plant will feature builds on news designs such as the baseball battery, aerodynamically adjusted for chucking at opposing outfielders, the chewable battery, for consumers needing a quick energy boost and the new iPhone battery featuring half the life of existing models. A Baghdad Battery replica will be housed in the entryway of the new plant symbolizing the fact that we’ve had power packs for thousands of years.

Jobs will be assigned to applicants who can withstand 10 minutes of barbaric electroshock therapy without losing their minds. Candidates will also be required to pass an electric shock lie detector.

Kenny said the new battery plant is to be run entirely on wind, solar and geothermal power. As he attempted to leave the site, he required a jump start from a nearby police squad car as his vehicle’s battery failed.

No word yet on whether NorthStar Ice Cream will be adding any new plants to the Ozarks area.

Mr. Ranley will serve the remainder of the existing term until expiration in 2011 if the city council approves the appointment. Selecting one of the 10 applicants to fill the open Zone 3 position was difficult according to the Mayor. However, when all the applicants experience was laid out side by side “Ranley’s stood out…there’s something about that guy that I like. He looks familiar. Oh well, what’s that you say about H1N1 again?” said O’Neal.

Ranley said that one day he would like to serve as elected mayor pro tem. Pending approval, the new Councilmember will be sworn into office at the City Council meeting on Monday, May 18.