Facebook status confirms break up

Springfield, MO – The Facebook relationship statuses of Evan Black and Emily Taylor confirmed today that the two high school sweethearts had broken up. The couple had been together for two years in high school and originally planned on getting married after college, but only managed to last as long as three semesters. Experts suspect this is partially because Black stayed in Springfield after high school, attending Missouri State University, while Taylor went to Mizzou in Columbia, MO.

“We were physically and emotionally becoming more and more distant,” said Emily Taylor, who initiated the breakup. “I felt like if we stayed together any longer I wasn’t going to get the full college experience.”

“I thought things were fine,” said Black. “Emily never told me about any of that before she broke up with me. And she had lots of chances to let me know, we Skyped all the time.” Black added, “What does she mean, ‘full college experience’?”

Previous to the breakup, the couple went to great lengths to prove their undying love for each other.

“I bought her a promise ring. She had me pose with her in at least half of her senior photos. I dedicated my senior quote in the yearbook to her. You aren’t supposed to break up when you do things like that,” said Black. “I even wrote her a song.”

“Yeah, he wrote me a song,” said Taylor, “it wasn’t good.”

The breakup seems to have been a big surprise to all of Black and Taylor’s friends and Facebook friends. Black’s friend, Brent Richardson, commented to Black’s newly single status, “What?!?? Dude, that sucks, txt me.” Nikki Nickels, on Taylor’s Wall, only managed to choke out “:(“.

Several dozen stylists will contribute their time and services to provide the mainstream fashion hairstyle free of charge. “The Mohawk is often dyed brilliant colors and worn so that it points straight up, often to impressive height,” said stylist Bernadine Grasso.

According to the Academy of Hair Design a wide variety of ‘hawks will be available. Styles include the bihawk, trihawk, deathhawk, dreadhawk, faux-hawk, halfhawk, tophawk, reverse Mohawk, sunhawk and libertyhawk, featuring kickin’ liberty spikes.

“We have a strategy to keep middle school children on equal ground, provided most of them accept this punk rock fashion,” said Cherokee Middle School principal Lars Villmat, “If they all look ridiculous, then they can stay focused on their schoolwork. Based on this reverse-psychology uniform system, we’ve actually seen test scores rise, especially among the trihawks who improved 12%.”

“This is awesome!” said 7th grader Kenny Mopar who begged his mother—with correct verb conjugation—to take him to the free shave and haircut event. Mohawks for Middle Schoolers started at 9:00 am and will continue until 3:00 pm at the Academy of Hair Design at 1832 S. Glenstone.