Hobo's Tower resident prepares to steal HUD loan applications

Springfield, MO—The Heer’s Tower was dealt another setback this week as developer Kevin McGowan failed to meet a critical deadline risking the possibility that development of the historic building will not occur before the end of the world in 2012.

After several deadline extensions, McGowan’s company, Blue Urban, failed to meet another chance for an $11.8 million federal loan guarantee from The Department of Housing and Urban Development.

Critics claim that McGowen is delaying the project intentionally due to the looming end of the Mayan Calendar and the coming end of the world as it currently exists. Representatives for Blue Urban deny that this is the true motivation yet, several Nostradamus books have been checked to employees from the firm at a Kansas City library.

“I guess if I knew Earth was going to implode in a couple of years I wouldn’t want to put a lot of effort into making an old building beautiful. Talk about wasting your precious time on this world,” said local Springfieldian Louis Fern.

Several hobos, rogues and vagabonds were thrilled to hear that the tower will not soon see development. “The quicker theys start working on Heer’s, the quicker I get kicked outta Hobo’s Tower,” said Red “Goldwing” Docker who sleeps on the second floor of the building and runs the escalators for exercise when not huffing gasoline from a sock.

Transients have long been suspected of mail fraud in the past as pieces of HUD loan applications have been found in the square scattered by the swirling winds and burning in trash barrels. “If the hobos that live in the tower are indeed intercepting the paperwork to thwart the process of development so they can continue to live there, well kudos to their ingenuity,” said Joey Hershey, an out-of-work rickshaw-bike driver.

“Once the electro magnetic field of Earth disintegrates in 2012 and the Sun’s ultraviolet rays are allowed to destroy everything above ground, well then we’ll see who’s got the upper hand,” said Docker as he chased a double-super buzz.

The U.S. Attorney’s office there has charged 12 people — eight of them from Uzbekistan — with luring illegal immigrants to the United States and making them work as “modern-day slaves.”

“My name i’ Borat, I come a-from Kazakhstan,” continued Sagdiyev, “Kazakhstan friend of all except Uzbekistan, They very nosey people with bone in their brain.”

The employees allegedly were required to pay exorbitant rent to live in barely furnished apartments that ensured that the workers did not make enough to repay their debt, purchase a plane ticket home or pay their own living expenses while in the United States. Sagdiyev caught these “evil nitwits” of Uzbekistan while out visiting Branson, MO on vacation.

Hollywood Theaters Inc., which operates Hollywood Theaters College Station Stadium 14, is suing its landlord, alleging it’s owed nearly $900,000 by College Station LLC and is being overcharged for monthly rent and currently plans to shoot local developer Scott Tilman, who runs College Station LLC, in the “other” leg.

Ron Bodinson, a Kansas City lawyer representing the Delaware-based Hollywood said his client has no interest in leaving the area, just correcting an error. “The landlord, we feel, has defaulted,” he said. “I guess we could have terminated the lease. We’re choosing instead to reaffirm the lease and adjust the location of one bullet from our pistol into the lower appendage of the developer.”

“We were hopeful that it would be resolved short of shooting anyone in the leg,” Aaron Lyons, College Station’s lawyer said.

Before filing suit, Hollywood sent several letters to College Station, asking for changes to be made, and offering a choice over which appendage be shot if the landlord did not pay up. The limb negotiations have apparently ceased as the “other leg” has been identified as the target.

Tilman, victim of a unsolved gunshot wound to the leg from a mysterious person a few years ago, plans to sell his story to a publisher for a pretty penny, adapt the manuscript into a movie and have it screened at the Hollywood 14 by the time he finishes rehab on the leg. He asks, “Could it be a smaller bullet this time? A .22 or BB gun would be a great statement, and would really, really teach me a lesson.”