Weather image featuring bad weather is groovy

Springfield, MO—A local newsman blew several viewers minds by showing a radar screen filled with psychedelic images symbolizing Wednesday’s weather patterns. Cries of “whoa”, “maaaaan” and “dude” were heard in living rooms across the Ozarks.

One viewer, Moonbeam Johnston said, “I saw like a beautiful unicorn soar across the sky during the weather report and the unicorn urinated on the clouds and caused snow to fall.”

Given today’s technological advances, many viewers were surprised at the understated approach to weather reporting. “I had no idea that they had access to this type of technology that makes high-tech look low-tech,” said Barry Howard. “Very forward thinking to go all retro with the precipitation illustration.”

Not all viewers were impressed, “I thought it was drawn by a 5 year-old or a drunk hobo,” said Louis Cavanagh. “No, it looked as if a damn hippy vomited a rainbow on the radar screen.”

Most viewers agreed that the groovy imagery provided a good vibe that made bad weather seem not so ominous. “I saw a pair of cool sunglasses bordered by the light of a prism and I felt okay with another round of icy, snow, cold-as-a-Spanish-dungeon kick in the sack from old man winter,” said Herb Grimes.

Neighbor meth lab threat meter level is at medium

Springfield, MO—With the recent onslaught of treacherous winter weather, KSPR has introduced the Threat Meter to help Ozarkers understand the most likely means by which they will die in the near future. Over the past several weeks, the meter has gained popularity by including threats such as “snow,” “ice,” “wind,” and “cold.” However, these threats are only seasonal and meteorologist Devin Brighty is worried that the Threat Meter could lose some appeal as temperatures warm and icicle impalements becomes less likely.

To help sustain interest in the Threat Meter, KSPR will be adding “Meth Lab Neighbor” and “Overzealous Police Officer” in the coming months. “Winter weather, though violent and deadly as all get out, is fleeting in this area, so we knew that we had to add a couple of more common threats to the meter,” said Brighty. “There’s less than a ten percent chance that your average Ozarker will be dismembered by Jack Frost, so it’s really not that big of a threat. But there’s about a forty percent chance that you have a meth lab neighbor and a fifty percent chance that they’ll try to eat your face at some point. So that’s a pretty big threat.”

As for the overzealous sexual offender, Brighty said that the threat will not be tied specifically to one town or city’s offenders, since all seem equally likely to handcuff, tazer, and/or urinate on someone.

Som-bitch bum posing as Santa Claus on the Polar Express

Branson, MO— The Branson Scenic Railway’s Polar Express has become overrun with hobos and train jumpers claiming to be Saint Nick. Unsavory transients have flocked to the inaugural officially licensed train ride event near the Branson Landing due to the ease of hitching a ride.

“Sure we just go ‘round and come back, but it is still a free ride,” said Samuel Loren a frequent freeloader who has a long beard and slightly resembles Santa Claus. “I just ask the kids what they’d like for Christmas, tell ‘em they’ve been a nasty turd and I ain’t gettin’ them nothin’ this year ‘cept maybe a pile of coal that falls out the coal train,” he continued.

During this Great Recession, several Ozarkers have been forced into a life of wandering and homelessness. Train jumping provides an entertaining way to pass the time. “One day, my old boss and his kids we’re boarding the train and I decided to jump out and scare ‘em real bad. I said ‘the Henderson’s are elf killers!’ That shook up his kids. Serves him right for dumping me in favor of a new printer,” said Roger Grenwich, a former Staples employee.

Polar Express employees have been partially to blame for the nuisance as they give the dinner car scraps to the 21^st century hobos. “if you feed a cat and he wont’ go away, well you shouldn’t have fed that cat,” said an unidentified Branson Scenic Railway conductor. He continued by saying, “people complain about the smell of these men, the unprovoked finger gestures and the occasional booger-flipping that tend to water-down the experience we’ve worked so hard to present to our customers.”

“Hey, with my scraggly beard and tarnished clothes I may look like a bum Santa, but my new found freedom hitching rides on this train makes me feel like the high powered executive I once was,” said Louis DeQalb, a former Fidelity manager who moved to Springfield after he was fired for running a fantasy football pool.

Arist rendering of "Kaptain" Robbie Knievel's planned jump over James River Freeway

Springfield, MO—Ramp construction at Hwy 65 and James River Freeway is nearing the final stages for the Robbie Knievel “James River” jump on December 31^st. First Night Springfield organizers are excited to announce that the daredevil has visited the site numerous times to inspect the progress and take measurements prior to his record-breaking jump in the Ozarks.

“Kaptain” Robbie Knievel, son of American icon Evel Knievel, plans to jump the James River Freeway in honor of the coming New Year. “It is my resolution to jump across the freeway through a flaming hoop of fire,” said Knievel. If completed, the jump will be the longest freeway jump in history.

“This event will give the people of our community the chance to say farewell to the dreaded clover-leaf and welcome in a new dynamic interchange to be enjoyed by future generations. We couldn’t think of a better way to ring in the New Year,” said First Night Springfield organizer Joanie Allwelter.

The Springfield Regional Arts Council will have hands-on activities for kids, including a skull and crossbones face-painting station and flaming finger puppets. Advance tickets will be available beginning December 14th for $7 each or $25 for a family four-pack.

Paul the Nixa Hellhound captured on film at Camp Winoka

Springfield, MO—Paul the Nixa Hellhound has been seen bathing in the springs at Winoka Lodge, better known as Camp Winoka. The camp has been closed after rumors spread that several girl scouts were brutally murdered, however, conspiracy theorists claim the story was fabricated to protect the Nixa Hellhound habitat after it claimed the area as its home.

Winoka hunting lodge was founded around 1890 on the James River near the shores of Lake Springfield. After a fire destroyed the main building in the seventies, sightings of Paul the Nixa Hellhound have increased dramatically.

Louis Herman, a local bird watcher and nature enthusiast, snapped a photo of the infamous beast Friday morning as it was taking a dip in a nearby pool of water.

Herman attributes the sighting to the fact that “we had an especially prolific storm system come through last night that must have stirred it up.”  Every “supernatural” sighting of the mutated deer, hybrid fox/wolfman, or dog-ish lion have occurred within 18 hours of a major storm according to local paranormal experts.

Skeptics maintain that the “Booger Dog” has been on the endangered species list since its inception and that government officials are taking all necessary steps to protect this mystic animal that only appears once in a generation.

Paul the Nixa Hellhound has received revived regional attention from radio station Power 96.5 Morning Buzz personalities Fotsch & McClain who feature updates on sightings throughout their programming.

Friday’s sighting is the most convincing evidence collected to date.