Police face-palmed by handiwork

Springfield, MO – It was reported recently that Springfield City Police had disarmed a man near the train tracks on N. Kansas Expressway, in what was believed to be a stand-off.  However, in a drastic and dyslexic turn of events, it was found that the man had actually been disarmed by the train itself according to the Springfield Police Department.

A 29 year-old man from Libby, Montana had apparently committed suicide days ago by throwing himself in front of a train. His arm had been severed in the impact and then carried by the train all the way to Springfield, where it was discovered by BNSF employees.  They found the arm around 1pm and immediately called the police, only after exhausting all jokes involving “extra hands”, “hands across America”, and the movie “The Fugitive”.  We caught up with one of those workers for a brief interview.

“It’s not every day that you find an arm on the ground. We just had to take advantage of the comedic opportunity while we could. Of course, we did the right thing in the end by reporting it to the police.  After all, Springfield has the most honest and trustworthy BNSF staff in the country, hands down!  …sorry about that last one, I couldn’t help myself,” said BNSF employee Anita Nutter-Army.

The Police Department followed up with an off-hand statement.  “It’s always tragic when someone chooses to take their life. However, we were pleased to find out this man’s identity after a quick hand-off to the Greene-County Medical Examiner’s office.”

Cameraman captures aspriing reality tv star criminal

Springfield, MO—Witnesses claim that camera crews for the television show COPS was in town this past week riding with local law enforcement giving local peeps the opportunity to claim their own fame.

According to police radio reports, at least six people had claimed that their “refrigerator was running”, 23 claims said folks were making meth with a permit and 83% of complaints were about white collar crime that no one had an interest in.

A producer of COPS said, “Bad boys, bad boys. What are you going to do? What are you going to do when we come for you?” Then he wept quietly and asked God to take his sullen life quickly before he had to recite those tired, tired lines again.

Fortunately for the COPS crew one major case broke while the team was in town: a throwed roll was imbedded into a patron’s chest at Lambert’s Café in Ozark. When crews and police arrived, most folks weren’t aware of the physical impairment and continued to eat Ol’ Norm’s passarounds.

It wasn’t until the guest had dislodged the dinner roll from his chest, tossed it back towards the original propeller that the issue was recognized as urgent. “ Yes I tossed a roll to the man in booth 316 but I did not expect the roll to impact his chest cavity, nor did I anticipate the victim would retaliate by throwing the roll back at me,” said Shawn Matthews who was tackled in the dark while wearing a white wife-beater tank top in the back yard of some stranger.

Woman rides away in car with thief who snatched her purse

Springfield, MO—Incoming Police Chief Paul Williams is impressed that Springfield citizens are responding to his call of a “shared leadership concept”. Recently, a purse snatching episode turning into an arrest due to the heroic actions of a good Samaritan and an alert victim.

Williams plans to reinforce his citizens on patrol effort by bringing in two Tulsa officers he has worked with in the past: Sgt. Mahoney and Officer Zed. “I learned a thing or two working under Commandant Lassard and Captain Harris,” said Williams.

The Springfield Police force is currently understaffed by 40 officers so the citizens of  crescent city are stepping up to fill the void.  Williams said, “I remember Captain Harris wasn’t too keen on the idea of C.O.P. at first, in fact he once referred to C.O.P. as a ‘Collection of Pissants’. But he came around once the results were tallied and the crime rate began to fall.

The president of the Springfield Police Officers Association, said the idea sounds interesting., but will withhold judgment until the plan has time to prive itself. Obviously this past Friday, one more criminal is off the streets thanks to the actions of a man who helped a woman who was driven off to a car wash while trying to retrieve her purse.

Truffle Shuffle Gang terrorizes Ozarks' financial institutions

Rolla, MO—In what was initially thought to be the same man robbing three banks, Missouri law enforcement have identified the “Truffle Shuffle Gang” as a dangerous group of fleshy felons. The endomorphic criminal element took police on, “a ride we’ll never forget,” according to Moberly City Policeman, Kevin Diggs. “We thought it was just one super obese guy robbing these banks, but it turns out there are three of these corpulent crooks,” exclaimed Diggs. The robbers are described as 40 to 50 years old, 5’7”, and “so chubby he makes Free Willy look like a tic-tac.”

Rolla police say the robbers not only look similar based on surveillance footage but also shared the same method of operation and get-away vehicle. In each case, the robber, waddled around the rope line dividers, assumingly to avoid ridicule, approached the teller, pulled out a handgun from pants that seemed impossible to squeeze anything else into, pointed it at the teller and demanded money. The suspect took the cash and stuffed into a used Doritos bag. The man exited the bank in what witnesses were calling “painfully slow and kind of funny,” and escaped in a white minivan.

Sedalia Police Chief, Roger Macolm, explained, “these guys shouldn’t be too difficult to apprehend.  We’ve got undercover officers at all Golden Corrals and Logan’s Roadhouse in the state.” Sedalia Police have released photos of what the suspects might look like if they have changed vehicles to novelty-sized motorcycles.

Lita Ford look-alike dreams of her guitar

Ozark, MO—Christian County Assessor, Sandra Bryant-Littles, has been convicted for not assessing her own crazy hair-do. Fashion police visited the perp after she was indicted by a federal grand jury for failing to report taxable property.

In a related case, her husband and farm hand are indicted for reporting a false claim of cattle theft. Christian County Prosecuting Attorney Ron Cleek said, “obviously, we have significant evidence to convict Bryant-Littles for having an outdated hairstyle, we do not yet posses enough hard facts to charge her husband Lonnie Littles and his employee, Jesse Rice.”

Christian County resident Rachel Yonkers said, “she looks guilty. Don’t know if she did it or not but that photograph the news sources have been using isn’t doing her any favors.” One man noted, “she looks like Lita Ford and assesses like Nixon”.

In conjunction with the fashion police conviction, Bryant-Littles faces federal mail fraud charges that she failed to assess her own property fairly in 2007 and 2008, omitting vehicles, farm equipment and more than 100 head of cattle on which she would have owed taxes. “It is significant to note that no hair products were reported during that time period either,” said fashion judge Clinton Stacy.

“She’s a follicle felon, plain and simple,” said one fashion boutique owner in downtown Springfield, MO. “Every day she walked out of her home she was committing a fashion crime…its just criminal to think about. If we all take a little time to assess our appearance every morning, crimes like these could be avoided. She was an ‘assessor’ right?”

700 Person Melee Nets One Arrest

Springfield, MO—It took nearly 50 police officers to settle a brawl involving hundreds of people in downtown Springfield this past weekend leading to one arrest and one pissed police chief.

According to the Springfield Police Department the incident began at about 12:45 a.m. with a fight among a large group of people inside Remmingtons Downtown. Security pushed the instigators outside where the brawl eventually became a series of smaller fights among 600 to 700 people.

“I would say I assaulted about 12-15 people with my boot-to-the-face hop-kick,” said an elusive woman identified only as “Kiss-andrea”. The fisticuffs eventually shut down a segment of Campbell Avenue where officers formed a blockade line to help control the crowd.

There were no significant injuries. There was only one arrest of a person with a gun.
“One arrest. Seriously? That’s it? You go back out there and find some perps!” said Springfield Police Chief, “go get that Kuss-andra woman for crying out loud!” he continued.

It took about 45 minutes to clear the crowd; there were 40 Springfield officers at the scene and up to 10 Greene County officers. And one arrest.

Recap: 700 street fighters, more than 50 officers, 45 minutes of fighting, one street closure and one arrest. One arrest.

A Stockton criminal enjoys the lawless benefits of his city

Stockton, MO—After seven years without a policing entity, Stockton may decide to bring back the boys in blue. Maybe. Perhaps. The city saves $26,000 a year by freeloading on law enforcement from Cedar County.

Residents say they’d feel better if a police presence was felt within their community. Criminals say they’d feel better if the police force were left out. The Cedar County Sheriff’s Department is responsible for the entire county and is spread thin trying to cover all law enforcement issues in the county and cover Stockton’s lack of law enforcement.

“I’d like to see this type of policy adopted across several cities in Southwest Missouri,” said one smash and dash petty criminal. He elaborated by saying legislation and taxpayer burden shouldn’t be stressed further by unnecessary law enforcement.

This year the City of Stockton is negotiating with the county to bring in a law man, perhaps even one that can ride a horse and patrol the streets. “With all of the 20th century technology – social media – what-have-you out there, you’d think we could locate a deputy or US Marshall from a bygone era to watch our city’s streets!” screamed one irate citizen. “How about that?!” he continued.

Stockton will meet with the county commissioners Monday to discuss the plan. If the city and county can’t reach an agreement the community may decide to declare a state of martial law.

In other news, water was found on the moon. For real. Water. On. The. Moon.

She was spotted emptying her purse in the trunk of her car, then entered the store—step one for the burglar. After browsing the store at her leisure snapping up loot, she reportedly exited the door with a great pussyfoot. Stone cold chillin’ she’d bet the farm, then the perp set off the store alarm.

Noises a blazin’, managers ragin’, the thief was met at the door and started speakin’ Cajun. “Bag daer alohrs pas beb,” she said, knowing full well this was how she made bread. Her fate was sealed; she scrapped her way out to beat facing the shield. A punch to the arm the manager said, kept him at bay and filled him with “dread”.

She fled in an Oldsmobile, maroon, with Oklahoma tags; she sped down Kansas Expressway goods still in her bags. Lt Scott Leven said it’s a robbery, not shoplifting he says cause she punched a dweeb.

The woman was white and in her early 20’s, with great skill and luck under the law she did squeeze. If you have any tips or information, please contact the Springfield Police Station.

The men were caught in pairs at different times of the day in various tourist attractions.

Two were stopped on West Missouri 76 by a Branson police officer as they were reading pulling into Dolly Parton’s Dixie Stampede Friday, according a press release issued by the Branson Police Department.

The duo had just finished a stint at The Track where they raced go-carts against tourists and were kicked out for reckless driving and spitting on other drivers as they passed.

“I heard that the Longhorns were back and we were looking to rustle a few to make some easy money,” said one recaptured convict who was on the lamb, but is now off the lamb and again a captured convict with a criminal record who is intent on committing crime.

The other pair of men was nearly captured after cutting in line at Silver Dollar City’s ride, the Flooded Mine, however officers became confused and started shooting at targets instead of the escaped men.

“I scored 58,000 points on that ride with my standard issued revolver,” said Lt. Manfred Jonser, “I mean I missed like two targets!” The escaped convicts were apprehended after they tried to hijack the train.

One of the convicts reflected, “I was going to run the train into the Powder Keg and send us all to hell.” When informed that Powder Keg was just a ride and not really a giant repository for explosive black power he said, “we crap, I was shot for nothing during the train robbery attempt and now I have a new belly-button…I can’t keep the one I got clean!”

If the utility sold today it would fetch $1.59 billion. In 2010, when the Southwest 2 plant comes online, the value would exceed 2 billion dollars.

City Attorney Dan Wichmer said cashing in on the utility’s value and using the proceeds for another purpose would require a citywide vote. Policeman Earl Jones says, “not only could we replenish the Police-Fire Pension Fund, we could totally trick out our patrol cars with that kind of cash!” Local fire fighter Louis Herald was optimistic as well. “We could increase our presence at the Sertoma Chili Cook-Off next year with, like, an extra $1 billion.”

As of press time, the city’s Parks department found and planned to sell multiple
buildings positioned around the city with extra tall garage doors and equipped with dancing poles. The Health department also says it found a large body of water on the south side of the city and plans to auction it off as it would “bring a pretty penny and would benefit the residents of Springfield because this lake produces lots of mosquitoes during the summer.