Win-win according to Old Maids

Mount Vernon, MO- With a Lawrence County 10% Strip Club on the ballots, lawmakers are trying to find other ways to make money in the same vein. With a “Spice Up the Bedroom” tax, couples will be taxed on various sexy items. Items that would be taxed would be: maid outfits, school girl outfits, masks, whips, creams, and whip cream.

“Well, we didn’t want topless women lap dancing and pole gyrating,” says councilmen Saunders. “Then we thought about that could happen in any bedroom anytime, and there was money to be made.”

The councilman then stated there are plenty of non-taxed approve activities for couples bedroom. Falling asleep while watching Leno, reading John Grisham novels in bed, and having the husband checking scary noises.

“Sure, I was going to buy some pom-poms, rubber bands for pig tails and skirt for the clichéd “pom-pom saleswoman”, but now that we have the tax I think I going to buy some cookie dough ice cream and rent ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding’ for the hundredth time,” says housewife Doris Night.

Law makers are waiting to see how the laws will affect couples. “Well, either we tax them with the spicing up the bedroom stuff, or tax bored husband at strip clubs. It is a win-win for us. Well, once we get the celibacy tax going, then it will be a win-win-win,” stated the councilman.

Police face-palmed by handiwork

Springfield, MO – It was reported recently that Springfield City Police had disarmed a man near the train tracks on N. Kansas Expressway, in what was believed to be a stand-off.  However, in a drastic and dyslexic turn of events, it was found that the man had actually been disarmed by the train itself according to the Springfield Police Department.

A 29 year-old man from Libby, Montana had apparently committed suicide days ago by throwing himself in front of a train. His arm had been severed in the impact and then carried by the train all the way to Springfield, where it was discovered by BNSF employees.  They found the arm around 1pm and immediately called the police, only after exhausting all jokes involving “extra hands”, “hands across America”, and the movie “The Fugitive”.  We caught up with one of those workers for a brief interview.

“It’s not every day that you find an arm on the ground. We just had to take advantage of the comedic opportunity while we could. Of course, we did the right thing in the end by reporting it to the police.  After all, Springfield has the most honest and trustworthy BNSF staff in the country, hands down!  …sorry about that last one, I couldn’t help myself,” said BNSF employee Anita Nutter-Army.

The Police Department followed up with an off-hand statement.  “It’s always tragic when someone chooses to take their life. However, we were pleased to find out this man’s identity after a quick hand-off to the Greene-County Medical Examiner’s office.”

All Jose ever did was back-breaking work for less than minimum wage

Springfield, Mo. -  City leaders have announced the first episode of a new show from the National Broadcast Company (NBC) will be filmed in Springfield this fall.  In coordination with Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), the new show will be called ‘Let’s Get You ‘Legal’’.  Featuring undocumented aliens who will be given eight minutes each to display talents and generally convince the studio and viewing audience they should be allowed to stay in the U.S. legally, one NBC executive described the show as an exciting mix of American Idol and Jerry Springer with a little bit of Oprah.

The audience is given three options for voting on each contestant; give them a green card; hold over for further administrative review; deport them on the spot.  Compellation of the votes and all final decisions will be based on a complicated and confusing set of criteria.  ICE agents will be on hand to execute all decisions.  Agents explained the show will be a great help to ease a backlog of cases.  “We think the American people will be a better judge of who should stay and who should go than any government bureaucrat would be” commented one ICE official.

A spokesman for NBC added that Green Card winners would be given an e-verify waiver certificate, an English-Spanish dictionary and a ticket to the Tony Orlando Theater in Branson.  Contestants held over for further administrative review would receive a free Taco Bell ‘five dollar deal box’ and two nights free at the No Tell Motel in Nixa.  Deportees would receive a clean long sleeve shirt, a shovel from the Old Cabin Depot and a courtesy ride to the border.

Officials for the city of Springfield said they could hardly turn down any chance to make some money and emphasized that everything would be absolutely legal.  A spokesman for MSU mentioned it would bring in some much needed revenue for the ‘Q’ where the premiere show would be taped amid extra security.  One of the fifteen members of the local vigilante group, Speedy Guys, indicated they would try to get a petition to stop the whole thing.  “It sounds like some kind of amnesty.  We may be old and cranky, but this is something we’ll get up for, for sure.  We have plenty of native born criminals we could pardon and many of them of them already speak a local dialect of English.  In our opinion foreigners need to remain illegal because they have no business being here in the first place.”  Unauthorized aliens who would like to be a contestant on the show are urged to contact the nearest ICE office.

Cameraman captures aspriing reality tv star criminal

Springfield, MO—Witnesses claim that camera crews for the television show COPS was in town this past week riding with local law enforcement giving local peeps the opportunity to claim their own fame.

According to police radio reports, at least six people had claimed that their “refrigerator was running”, 23 claims said folks were making meth with a permit and 83% of complaints were about white collar crime that no one had an interest in.

A producer of COPS said, “Bad boys, bad boys. What are you going to do? What are you going to do when we come for you?” Then he wept quietly and asked God to take his sullen life quickly before he had to recite those tired, tired lines again.

Fortunately for the COPS crew one major case broke while the team was in town: a throwed roll was imbedded into a patron’s chest at Lambert’s Café in Ozark. When crews and police arrived, most folks weren’t aware of the physical impairment and continued to eat Ol’ Norm’s passarounds.

It wasn’t until the guest had dislodged the dinner roll from his chest, tossed it back towards the original propeller that the issue was recognized as urgent. “ Yes I tossed a roll to the man in booth 316 but I did not expect the roll to impact his chest cavity, nor did I anticipate the victim would retaliate by throwing the roll back at me,” said Shawn Matthews who was tackled in the dark while wearing a white wife-beater tank top in the back yard of some stranger.

Reading palms for their rights

Springfield, MO—Local attorney Newsome Higsby has moved his law practice into a former fortuneteller’s office on Glenstone and St. Louis Street in Springberg, hoping to glean some otherworldly help in his caseload.

Higsby said, “The space has a special aura about it. I think that most defendants would appreciate help from beyond the grave, and assistance from knowing what the future holds.”

The former tenant, GetYer Palm Read owner, Ubithe Miller said, “I knew my efforts were coming to an end. It was time to pass my crystal ball off to someone who could do some good with it.”

According to sources, at least 4 cases to date have benefitted from the fortune-telling attorney. “Yeah, ol’ Higsby told me that the jury would find me guilty of fraud, so I pleaded guilty, took a deal and had 5 years taken off my sentence,” said John Sheehan, the King of Bling.

Higsby said, “Yes, it is a bit unorthodox to bring a crystal ball into the court room, but I can now tell the guilty from the innocent just by looking at the lines in the palms of a person’s hands. They don’t teach you that in law school.”

A colleague of Higsby’s claimed that tea leaves and tarot cards were not usually admitted as evidence, but they could soon be seen as valuable assets in determining future disputes.

Pluckin' days proves headless chickens are fun

Springfield MO—People that finally got the approval to have chickens in the city limits got an additional bonus with the discovery of an old Springfield law that gives chicken owners the right to hang chicken thieves without a trail or due process of law.  The law written in 1830′s is still on the books and gives chicken and horse owners the right to gather friends and neighbors to hang on the square anyone caught with any stolen farm animal.

Before the disclosure of the old law, the only requirements chicken owners had were no roosters, and broods of no more than six hens in structures approved by the chicken housing authority.  There is a pending leash law up for debate that would forbid chickens to run loose and they must be muzzled while leashed when going for walks.  But the hanging of thieves on sight gives chicken owners sustainability over outsiders and the sense of self-enforcing chicken violations within the group.

“If chickens had lips they would say that this is a good day,” commented Cleatus Yoder, future chicken owner.  “It’s bad that if you got caught breaking into my house and stealing my TV and meth supply I would have to wait a long time before the case goes to trail.  By hanging people as soon as they are caught stealing chickens that sends a message of what you can’t do on my property without any government say-so.”

Another item for chicken owners is the Springfield Park Board will have on the 15th of every month, GUT AND PLUCK DAY.  This event will be held at the Wilson Rutledge demonstration farm in Springfield.  Chicken owners that have hens that are too old to lay eggs can bring them to the farm and they will be processed for dinner that evening.  “We find that this is real popular for grade school children,” said Henrietta Klosterstein, Park Board Director.

“To avoid the shock and trauma of seeing the birds butchered, we prepare them by saying think of the ‘Itchy and Scratchy Show’, in the Simpson’s cartoon series.  Once they see a chicken running around with its head cut off, they laugh and laugh.  When we throw the headless bird into a pot of boiling water they still can’t stop laughing.  When we finally pluck and gut the chicken, they are still laughing so hard they can’t wait to take it home and put it in the oven for dinner.”

An outsourced jury hears outsourced court cases for Greene County, MO

Springfield MO—The overwhelming caseload for Greene County attorneys looks to be tamed by a much needed solution; starting August 15^th, excess court cases will be outsourced to attorneys in India and Pakistan.  Video teleconferencing in Greene County courtrooms will allow remote debating to conduct trails.  Attorneys from foreign countries will be granted licenses to practice law in Missouri despite never having studied here, provided they pass the required exams by August 1^st. The county hopes to decrease the current caseload and reap the benefits by saving approximately 85% of the costs of using local public defenders and prosecutors.

“This is a great deal for everyone,” cited Judd Russell a spokesman for the Missouri State public defenders office.  “With the technology we have today, with real time communication, I’m surprised we haven’t thought of using this before.  It is a win-win situation for our lawyers because they will not be putting their licenses at risk of be subject to malpractice by taking on more cases than they can handle.”

Russell also added, “Local judges will not have to appoint private attorneys to take cases against their will thus making them concerned with their own caseload.”

With the projected savings incurred with outsourcing, the budget director’s office is looking at reducing the current staff of 20 attorneys to 3 and funding the Springfield police and firemen pension.

“We’re in a global market now, with global crime. Why not use global prosecutors and public defenders to hear our American legal squabbles?” said Russell.

Considerate driver irks motorists with his lawfulness

Springfield, MO—Local commuter Keith Jonas was seen making a statement to the Springfield community at large. And that statement was “I’m driving the speed limit”. Many interpreted that statement to be the equivalent of a giant middle finger, since it is an unwritten law that you are expected to be going 10-35 mph over the limit in the greater Metro area, especially in construction zones.

“I don’t know what that guys problem is,” vented one teen motorist as she was texting her frustrations while driving 73mph southbound on Glenstone, “OMG, what a jerk. LOL!”

It would appear that Jonas’ experiment was appreciated by one group: senior citizens. Many seniors interviewed said they applauded his efforts to bring a little civility back to roadways.

“It’s about law and order. It’s about respect. It’s about keeping your left turn signal on as a deterrent to speeding” declared Jim Burton, 79, when asked. His only complaint was that Mr. Jonas was still “going a little fast” while operating his vehicle. Burton’s preference? “26 miles per hour. There’s no need to go any faster than that anywhere in this fine city.”

Mr. Jonas’ actions also have local traffic enforcement officers baffled. “Who does he think he is? Is this some sort of joke?” asked Officer Markus Phillips as he scrolled down his computer screen, looking up possible violations for following the speed limit. “Those signs are more like suggestions rather than hard-and-fast laws. We don’t need any more wiseacres in this town. He better get with the program.”

Mr. Jonas could not be reached for comment, since he refused to answer his cell phone while driving, yet another act of defiance against the social norms.

Woman rides away in car with thief who snatched her purse

Springfield, MO—Incoming Police Chief Paul Williams is impressed that Springfield citizens are responding to his call of a “shared leadership concept”. Recently, a purse snatching episode turning into an arrest due to the heroic actions of a good Samaritan and an alert victim.

Williams plans to reinforce his citizens on patrol effort by bringing in two Tulsa officers he has worked with in the past: Sgt. Mahoney and Officer Zed. “I learned a thing or two working under Commandant Lassard and Captain Harris,” said Williams.

The Springfield Police force is currently understaffed by 40 officers so the citizens of  crescent city are stepping up to fill the void.  Williams said, “I remember Captain Harris wasn’t too keen on the idea of C.O.P. at first, in fact he once referred to C.O.P. as a ‘Collection of Pissants’. But he came around once the results were tallied and the crime rate began to fall.

The president of the Springfield Police Officers Association, said the idea sounds interesting., but will withhold judgment until the plan has time to prive itself. Obviously this past Friday, one more criminal is off the streets thanks to the actions of a man who helped a woman who was driven off to a car wash while trying to retrieve her purse.

Local man runs several red lights before impacting a nitrogen tank

Springfield, MO—Erve Hollins, a local resident, celebrated the Missouri Supreme Court’s unanimous decision to strike down use of red light video/still camera enforcement systems by running as many red lights as possible today.

The landmark decision forced the City of Springfield to immediately disable all of its traffic law monitoring equipment and invalidates hundreds of dollars in red-light violation fines.

Hollins said, “I paid my red light fine last month and now they tells me I can’t get a refund, so I’m running every red light I come across to get my money’s worth, yeee-haw!”

Chief Judge Herb Westerbrook of the U.S. 7th Circuit Court of Appeals wrote last year in a decision validating the constitutionality of the safety camera program: “While no one has a fundamental right to run a red light, certain citizens will take it upon themselves to test the system.”

At last count, Hollins had run through red lights at all 11 intersections that formerly would have captured his municipal ordinance violations, some locations multiple times.

Witnesses reported seeing a man waiting through a green light before hurdling through intersections defiantly shaking his fist in the air as he blew through the traffic signals.

“I saw a dude screaming down the road, windows down, in his beat-up 1984 P.O.S. truck and he was listening to Van Halen’s ‘I can’t drive 55’. He screeched to a halt at the green light at Glenstone and Sunshine. Then when the light turned red he gunned it and screamed ‘catch me now you motha’ burners!’” said Francine Kilborn.

While refueling his vehicle, Hollins was informed that intersection safety camera programs improve traffic safety by reducing red-light running, which causes crashes, injuries and deaths. Hollins reportedly laughed hysterically, pulled away from the pump with the hose still in his car, ran through the closest red light, swerved to miss a car and impacted the canister of nitrogen at Glenstone and Seminole exploding his truck into a huge fireball.

The City of Springfield tentatively plans to hire a sketch artist to capture the faces of drivers seen violating traffic laws such as red light violations until the cameras can be reactivated.