Man sets record and raises awareness by driving MLK bridge for 8 hours

Springfield, MO – Local man Norm Hugefston decided to celebrate Martin Luther King Day by driving continuously over the Martin Luther King bridge for 8 hours. His trek was sponsored by several friends and neighbors and he raised at least $380.00 to contribute to the local chapter of the NCAAP.

“I was wanting to do something to help raise awareness, and I decided that driving over the MLK bridge was the solution. It doesn’t have a lot of traffic so I was able to drive it several hundred times,” said Hugefston. According to his support team, Hugefston took one ten minute break each hour to reduce the spinning effects of circling the route.

“After hour two, he was really dizzy. I was just hoping that more traffic would come so he’d be forced to drive slower and have more recovery time. But, most people were off work today making the bridge an easy driving thoroughfare,” said his coach Ralph Firnum. Unbeknownst to Hugefston, his team was secretly working with the Guinness World Records to validate his feat.

The current record for traversing a MLK bridge in any city on MLK day is listed as exactly twice by hundreds of thousands of people as they made their daily commute. “Apparently nobody has ever considered driving a MLK bridge for 8 hours. If the results we receive are accurate Norm will have himself a record,” stated an official from the Guinness World Records.

“I just want to do something to raise awareness,” said Hugefston, “and I’m a pretty good bridge driver.”

Shoppers enjoy up to 15% off for Dr. King's life's work

Springfield, MO—January 18^th marks a day of social awareness, great sacrifice and fantastic deals now through closing at local retail stores.  On this day people of all ages and backgrounds will come together to improve lives by spending less on goods they likely don’t need but would purchase at full retail prices any other time of the year.

Each year more Ozarkians are inspired to participate and get involved in the national holiday. “I think I will participate in the Million Dollars Off March on Macy’s this year, I could use some new slacks,” stated Joanie Pendergrass.

Dr. King devoted his life to equal rights. He taught that through nonviolence and service to one another, problems such as acquiring expensive garments, home décor and other overpriced consumer goods can be overcome.

Recounting the famous “I have a Deal” speech, Earl Jones, a Boliver native, recalled when he heard Dr. King long for a time “when every person in this country can buy one thing and get the next one free”, no matter what their race, religion or creed.

During this year’s day of service, the service industry will heed customer’s every wish. Boxing up gifts, delivering meals and providing non-essential solutions and resources to every man, woman and child.

“I think this day is special because Martin Luther King Jr. has been compared to great teachers such as Ghandi and Jesus, but they never had an entire day devoted in their name where great deals on consumer electronics are commonplace,” said Pastor Fred Cummins.

Former tax attorney thrilled at incarceration during tough economic times

Jefferson City, MO—Missouri‘s Department of Corrections has announced that the state’s prison population has reached an all-time high amid poor economic conditions. This is the first report from a government agency regarding positive growth since mid-2007.

The Department director attributes the fantastic growth numbers to an increase in criminal activity, due to soul-crushing economic pressures. More Missourians are finding that life is easier behind bars. “They get TV time, workout time and a minimum of 30 minutes in the yard. Oh, plus free meals,” said the Director.

“I was on the outside working for a reputable tax company in 2008 when the floor dropped out from underneath me and I found myself jobless. Jobless led to homeless, homeless led to huffin’ gas from a sock under the Martin Luther King bridge in north Springfield, MO, and huffin’ gas from a sock led to criminal activity. Thankfully, I landed in prison where I can be warm, fed, and sculpt my body into a ripped muscular perfection,” said Arty Newbreed, a Greene County Prison inmate.

If this trend continues, projections show Missouri incarcerations outnumbering the non-criminal population, leading to the question of who’s going to pay for the plush accommodations for economic-dodgers turning to a life of crime.

“I get deep discounts on tattoos in the system as well as spiritual advice from a man named Mohammad in lower lock-down C-18. I’m a better person now that I have no financial obligations and can focus on ‘me’ with every waking hour of my day not impeded by meeting deadlines, quotas or answering to a bottom line. Well, sometimes I have to answer to the bottom line, but that’s usually only a thirty minute exercise,” said Newbreed adjusting his trousers.

The Department of Corrections has recently allowed inmates the opportunity to build new additions onto prison grounds.  A group in Southwest Missouri plans to build a bath house complete with hot tub and sauna “so they can relax their criminal tendencies,” said the Department director.