Mayor ready for another round!

Springfield, MO – With a term set to expire in April 2013, and with no intentions of running for a third term, Mayor Jim O’Neill suddenly announced this week that he is planning to re-sign. O’Neill has always put his heart and soul into the position, however, most council members expected him to leave office following his current obligations.

“No, no you heard wrong he has resigned,” commented an uninformed council member, “it means he won’t be coming back.” According to multiple sources, O’Neill was not going ‘all Ibarra’ and walking out on his responsibilities, rather he was re-signing for another round of torture by rhetoric.

“Not too many people can endure hours and hours of endless, mind-numbing conversation that spins in circles like a washing machine thrown in an eddy,” said Nerf Fredericksonn, a constant attendee at Council meetings. Fredericksonn went on to say that O’Neill was great on the board and is looking forward to another election year with O’Neill on the ballot.

O’Neill was unavailable for comment; however, reports indicate that he announced his intent to re-sign during a contentious debated around a handful of exemptions to the smoking ban.  “He lit up a stogie, and said due to personal and business pressures, he intended to re-sign. Immediately. He seemed pretty upset about it but I thought it was good news,” said Fredericksonn.

Ozarks champion fighter issues a cage match challenge to other Springfield Mayors

Springfield, MO—In light of the recent economic downturn that the entire nation is enduring, Springfield Mayor Jim O’Neal has come up with a unique way to boost both the morale and coffers of the Queen City.

In a bold and unprecedented departure from “politics as usual” Mayor O’Neal has publicly called out the mayors of all 35 cities in the United States bearing the name Springfield, and is challenging them to a cage match to determine which Springfield is supreme.

“Yes, it is true that I’ve sent letters to the mayors of all Springfields in this great nation in an attempt to clarify, once and for all, which city can lay claim to being “America’s Springfield” the Mayor said when asked for comment, “and believe you me, I have no intention of letting down my Ozarkians by losing the cage match.”

When pressed for details about what the rules concerning the cage match involved, O’Neal refused to nail down specifics, only stating that if one watches “‘Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome‘….they’ll get the general idea.” When pressed further, he said “35 men enter, one man leaves!” and then pounded the podium with what looked to be some sort of blunt striking weapon. “I have the full support of the city council on this, and I intend to be crowned champion!”

It seems to be the hope of His Honor that such a match will have a serious and positive economic impact on local businesses; he said he is still finalizing plans to hold the showdown on the roof of long-abandoned department store Heers, thereby providing the first use of the building in nearly two decades. “In the days of Caesar, the gladiatorial matches were held to uplift the spirits of the common man as Rome was falling. I, Jim O’Neal, will be that gladiator for my beloved Springfield, and I will bring honor and glory back to the land of cashew chicken! You have my word!”

When the mayors of the other Springfields were asked about their invitation to a no-holds barred grudge match, none of them seemed to have heard of the audacious challenge. The most information provided came from Springfield, Georgia, Mayor Scott Jones who, after being told of the cage match, offered this statement: “I don’t know who this Jim O’Whats-His-Name thinks he is, but by God, I’ll take a road trip up there to whip his Yankee ass if he thinks he can talk smack about our beloved city.” When informed that Missouri is actually considered a “border state”, Mayor Jones quickly lost interest and ended the conversation.

As plans for this event, which promises to be a spectacle of the highest order, become available or even grounded in reality, you can check back here for details.