Wa-Pow! Surgical supplies delivered via ninja

Springfield, MO – According to the back of a van, Hankins Surgical Supply employs ninjas to deliver surgical supplies. The quiet, quick and efficient distribution network is responsible for putting surgical supplies into surgeon’s hands before they even know they need it.

“Long ago, ninjas were in high demand for their fierce fighting style and silent mode of locomotion. Today the need for ferocious fighters who can silently infiltrate enemy territories has dwindled. The folks at Hankins Surgical Supply have capitalized on the enormous talent pool of out-of-work ninjas and put them to work in a healthcare environment,” said historical professor Dwight Jennings.

The surgical supply ninjas are renowned for inserting key surgical instruments into the operating room at a moment’s notice. “I was in surgery and needed a secure, non-piercing hold or a pair of lightweight, disposable forceps and before I knew it they were on the table or in my hands, without me having to pick them up. These surgical ninjas are true heroes,” said emergency room surgeon Dr. Chris Sumpton.

One ninja who refused to be identified said, “これは私がよく待って、神のコンプレックスを持っているマスターを提供する多くの愚かな仕事を経験したことがないあなたに真実を伝えるには、1つの奇妙な仕事ですが、私は神の複合体を持っていたfuedal領主に仕えてきたと思います。それが完全に同じである私が間違っている”

Which, when roughly translated means “This is one weird job, to tell you the truth I’ve never experienced a more mindless job serving masters who have a god complex, well wait, I guess I have served feudal lords who had a god complex. I’m wrong it is completely the same.”

These guys approve!

Springfield, MO – Patients gathered in waiting rooms across Springfield may be surprised to find out they’re participating in an on-going experiment to measure the short-term effects of watching Fox News Channel. The study requires patients to sit in a waiting room for at least 20 minutes while being exposed to Fox News.  When the patient is called, blood pressure readings are immediately taken along with other stress related vital statistics. The patient is then required to wait in the exam room for another 5-10 minutes, for the effects to abate, before the doctor sees them.

“When we were told by the American Medical Association that we could show non-stop Fox News in our waiting rooms, we jumped at the opportunity…to be a part of this study,” said a doctor at Ferrell-Duncan Clinic. “After all, it is our duty to advance medical science any time we have the opportunity.”

This particular study has been running for more than ten years now and experts believe that it could continue far into the future to explore more long-term effects as well.  Although some doctors have opted not to participate, the vast majority of the Springfield medical community has volunteered, including primary doctors, dentists, and podiatrists. Other businesses have shown interest in participating as well, including local banks and Wal-marts.

“Our goal is to exploit any waiting areas with a captive audience,” said a local AMA representative.  “We firmly believe that by exposing more people to Fox News Channel we will ultimately benefit ourselves…the science I mean.”

Uhm..yeah. Just need to add a, nevermind. LMAO.

Springfield, MO—Due to a report by the National Spelling Agency, NSA, Springfield area businesses do not have a basic mastery of spelling skills. Some examples of incorrect spelling include “Krispy Kreme’s Dounuts”, “Kum and Go”, “Medicine Shoppe”, and “Cheezies’ Pizza”. The NSA demands that the businesses correct the spelling, pay a fine, or be destroyed.

“There is no excuse for this,” stated Agent Jones. “How can these people run a whole business when they can’t spell ‘cream’. These misspelled words aren’t even complicated. I could see botching a hard word like ‘secretary’. I just don’t see how they can spell medicine, but not know the modern spelling of shop.”
“I don’t know what we were thinking,” said the CEO of Kum and Go. You get too busy to proof read sometimes. Of course we are going to change all signs. Man, now we look like first graders.”
The CEO of Krispy Kreme doughnuts stated, “Yeah, I knew it was spelled wrong, but my niece (who I hired as a personal favor to my brother) made this cute mock up of a sign and I didn’t have the courage to say anything. She would have felt so dumb if I brought it up.”

Melvin St. Clair, MSU’s resident of spellology and grammarology told FCN, “It is no surprise that there are so many poor spelling due to texting and rap artist names. Who else is to blame? I mean whom…WHOM.” Mr. St. Clair was not able to finish the interview because he exploded into nothing after using the incorrect usage of “whom”.

Cheezies’ Pizza manger Justin Rogers told FCN, “Whatz the big deal? Thiz happenz all the time. Zo what if people had some pissas into their zighnz? It juzt makez good buzinezz zenze.”

An elderly person attempts to be a teen's grandparent over the phone

Springfield, MO—According to sources, scammers posing as elderly people are calling teens asking them to “bring ‘em their slippers”, “rub grandpa’s feet” and asking for permission to “pinch those cuuuuuuute cheeks” among other things such as money, medicine and fresh baked goods.

The ring of criminal activity targets teens asking them for favors. The callers are counting on the teens’ gullibility and rely on their lack of ability to distinguish one old person voice from another.

17-year-old Nikky Weller confessed, “I like, don’t actually know what my grandmother is saying most of the time so when I got a call from a cranky old person asking me to drop off $400 so she could buy some medicine, I didn’t think twice. I did think it was strange that I had to place the money in a bread sack and throw it on top of the roof at the bus station.”

16-year-old Nate Vicroll said, “I got this call from my grandpa asking me to come over right away as he needed a drink of coffee. I was about half way across town when I realized that my grandfather gave up coffee years ago. To think I almost showed up with a cup of joe for him makes me sick. Who would do that to us?”

Statistics show that most young people hardly ever listen to elders, much less possess the ability to discern voice patterns and inflection among seniors their grandparents’ age. Weller said, “When my grandma speaks its mostly scratchy, drawn out and doesn’t make much sense. So I’m totally like, whateve!”

Teens are urged to confirm the identity of any elderly caller before providing services, exchanging of money or helping a grumpy person across the street.

Black Friday shoppers line up to recieve discounted medical treatment at St. John's Hospital

Springfield, MO—Early morning Black Friday shoppers lined up to receive up to discounted medical care last week at St. John’s Hospital. Hundreds of shoppers braved the weather camping out all night waiting for the special healthcare deals to kick in at 5 am.

“People started lining up at 8 pm the night before, staking their claim in line. I think it is nuts but whateve,” said one hospital patient peering out of her window. The line of people extended from the St. John’s Hospital entrance through the parking lot to the St. John’s Surgery Center.

The Heart Rock Deli and Skyview Café provided snacks to those waiting in line for services ranging from emergency needs to elective surgery. “I’ve had a broken arm for two weeks and I’ve been waiting for the Black Friday sale so I could get a great deal on my ‘first aid’ and recovery fees,” said Huey Torrent, who broke his arm in an arm wrestling contest.

Several deal-seekers confided that they had been living with multiple health problems allowing them to pile up until this special season. “Last month my cough increased and my pregnancy resulted in a premature home birth, however, I thought I could wait a bit until I could get the best price to be admitted to a hospital. Thank you St. John’s!” said Roxie Jump, holding her newborn infant.

St John’s Health System offered half-price cancer treatments, 40% off all CyberKnife radiosugery in the neuroscience department, as well as, up to 80% off routine doctor visits.

“In this time of medical uncertainty for millions of Americans, we felt it necessary to provide an opportunity for every person to have access to medical care. Insured or uninsured, our discounted services apply to each person seeking treatment,” said St. John’s Health System President/CEO, Kim Day.

Dr. Brad Bradshaw now a ninja

Springfield, MO—Dr. Brad Bradshaw can now claim to be a licensed physician, surgeon, lawyer and ninja. Dr. Bradshaw graduated from medical school, possesses surgical training, specialized training in Internal Medicine and Psychiatry and has received certification in Clinical Obstetrics from Harvard Medical School. However, his newest accolade bestows legendary abilities including invisibility, walking on water, and control over natural elements.

“I’m a man of various interests and want to continually challenge myself with new opportunities. I really enjoy collecting certificates and found that the most rewarding path to take at this time in my life was that of the ninja.”

Sources for Bradshaw indicate that his ninja services will be offered to clients seeking a covert agent or mercenary specializing in unorthodox arts of war. The benefits of espionage, sabotage, and infiltration, have proven effective tools in the courtroom as well as the occasional assassination assignment.

“I was recently asked to put down a rebel coup in a third world country by myself, relying only on my newly acquired ninja skills. Fortunately, I squelched the uprising without causing any harm to the rebels,” said Bradshaw.

Bradshaw also displays stealthy skills in the courtroom. Last week he reportedly gave a closing argument by effortlessly explaining a surgical procedure near the judge’s bench, then smashed a smoke bomb and mysteriously re-appeared next to the jurors to deliver the final line of his argument. The jurors were so impressed with the theatrics that they found in his favor during deliberation.

Dr. Fran Kenstine collects lightning for science experiments

Springfield, MO—Local physician Dr. Fran Kenstine has located his new practice in the basement of the Shrine Mosque and has yet to announce formal office hours or accept any patients. In fact, no one has been seen coming or going from the clinic since it opened earlier this month.

“I think he must be working on a high tech radiation treatment as the electricity in the building seems to shudder. Especially late at night,” said Todd Jones a bartender who travels to work in downtown Springfield. “After the bar closes I usually drive down St. Louis street on my way home and his lights are always on and strange sparks can be seen lighting up the block.”

Cox Health Systems, his former employer, released a statement saying Dr. Kenstine was “obsessed with studying outdated theories of science that focus on achieving natural wonders inconsistent with our patient care vision statement.”

Dr. Kenstine attend college in Ingolstadt, Germany where he excelled at chemistry and other sciences and claimed to imbue the inanimate plants with life, in part by studying how vegetation decays.

Reportedly, sad melodies played on a violin have been heard coming from the basement in the middle of the night accompanied by the occasional “RAAAAAAAA!” and “MMMMMMM”.

Dr. Kenstine released a statement saying he plans to host an open house October 31st and welcomes all interested parties to stop by, but asks that all pocket lighters, matches and candles be left at home as his special exhibit does not respond well with fire.

“It was really cool, I just pulled up ordered a double flu shot, hold the Guillain-Barré syndrome, paid for my order then was given the shot as I sat at the next window. Pretty amazing!” said Eugene Feirty, local participant in the program.

The seasonal flu shot is available on the dollar menu at Skaggs Regional Medical Center and a new variety of vaccine is scheduled to make an appearance soon as the H1N1 vaccine. Hospital manager Brian Dumby said, “we sell a lot of the seasonal shots, but once the H1N1 is available we are expecting consumer demand to double or triple. We may even have to add another drive-through lane to accommodate everyone.”

The current menu board shows a variety of other services now available via the drive-through including annual physicals, blood donation, and emergency resuscitation among other things. Dumby says, “we have had some trouble getting the orders right due to the scratchy nature of the two way radio in the menu board. So, Mr. Hekctal if you are reading this story please return so we can reverse the outpatient surgery we performed on you in your car, and give that to the right person who requested it.”

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention about 36,000 people die each year from complications of seasonal flu. Now with drive-through medicine, officials hope that number will be reduced significantly. “Really,” said Dumby, “who has time to sit around in a doctors office when they can roll up to our window, get shot and on their way?”

“I had two axe handles wedged in my throat, three gunshot wounds and a fever after the bear attack. I had to wait 12 hours just to fill out paper work last time I was in the Cox ER,” said Tommy Rictor. “If that happens again, I guess I’ll have an updated space to lounge in as I wait…nothing soothes like new architecture.”

In 15 months, roughly the gestation period of a Beluga whale, the new Cox South ER should be open. The new emergency room will feature adult and pediatric trauma bays, heart monitoring observation rooms, a pharmacy, psychiatric-safe areas and a larger enhanced waiting room.

“78,000 square feet. That’s lots more room for our patients with medical emergencies to relax as they wait for professional attention,” CoxHealth CEO said, sighing a breath of relief.

Other features, funded by a major donor gift, include the anti-zombie wing. Doctors will have access to chainsaws, hammers, toasters and old records to throw at the undead.

Also, law kiosks will be available for patients who wish to file suits against negligent doctors. “It’s greatly needed because we have great caregivers in our current ER department but we also have some real losebags who don’t deserve to practice medicine on Cavity Sam,” said Carol Hotengeyer, RN, administrative director of CoxHealth’s emergency departments.

“Is it water on the knee? OPERATION! A whole bucket, see? OPERATION! A Charley Horse, it’s true! OPERATION! I’m the doctor for YOU!,” chanted protestors outside the ceremonial groundbreaking.

“No more chasing ambulances, we have access right here in the building,” says an excited ambulance chasing lawyer. “But like all things at Cox, we’ll have to wait to see how it works out.”