Table Rock Lake dries after 42-minute drought

Springfield, MO—The clouds finally opened with their life bringing rain, thus ending the torturous 42 minute drought plaguing the Springfield area. The drought occurred from 3:18 to 4:00, marking the longest time Springfield has not seen rain in weeks.

“I didn’t think we were going to make it,” said Charles Flagstaff, a Springfield resident. After minute eight I was wondering what was going to happen. I mean was it going to ever rain again? I was starting to see roads instead of water covered paths. What kind of world is that?”

The drought led to riots and hoarding of supplies.

“The skies stopped the continuous, torrential downpour! We may never drink again,” screamed a quick-footed and un-named man has he ran out of Walmart with arms filled with bottles of water.

Other effects of the drought are fishermen having to leave their sidewalk habitats, scuba diving equipment no longer needed to visit lower levels of buildings, and only one waterfall at Bass Pro Outdoor World instead of the previous 4.

Luckily aid was given from Kenya after 30 minutes of the trying ordeal.

“We thought it would be good to give back to Springfield after surviving our own drought,” said Kenya Ambassador Contee Hoopja, “Granted our shortage of water lasted years upon years, but who are we to judge?”

Another beautiful day in the Ozarks

Springfield, MO—Local meteorologist have issued a tornado warning to last the entire spring and summer of 2011: experts expect the alert to expire sometime in early October.

“The Ozarks are blessed with fantastic weather, we just have a small patch of time -7 months – when God’s finger can destroy your home, belongings and kill your friends and family,” said a spokesperson at the Convention and Visitor’s Bureau.

Twisters usually account for terrorizing 3 mobile homes a day in the Ozarks, and are frequently blamed for misplacing meth labs. Weather crews at all local television and radio stations celebrate the start of the season by attending Tornada-palooza where new weather phenomenon terms are defined for the coming season.

“Last year at the ‘conference’ we introduced ‘straight line winds’ which was awesome, really gave us something else to say over the course of half a year reporting on tornadoes in the area,” said a KSPR weather reporter, “This year we came away with ‘twisted air currents’, however ‘jumbly clouds’, ‘wrapping winds’ and ‘inconsiderate atmospheric pressure’ were also approved for limited use.”

Tornado-palooza is held each April 1^st at Table Rock Lake where attendees share storm stories, discussed the last time they were F-5ed and are introduced to new weather tracking technology like the Forecaster 10 or F-Ten or simply the F-10.

Ozark area residents are expected to endure a long tornado season with lots of overly excited weather reporters interrupting their favorite television show at the slightest hint of “twisted air currents” over the next several months.

A carpetbagger curses Artsfest with rain in 1908

Springfield, MO—The Cider Days Festival enjoyed beautiful weather much to the dismay of Artsfest organizers this past weekend. Artsfest, which usually occurs on a rainy weekend has longed for a weekend such as this for their event to bask in.

“I’m happy for Cider Days,” said an Artsfest committee member though clenched teeth. “I just wish that Artsfest could, for once, be held on a non-monsoon weekend. I’m trying really hard to be happy for Cider Days and their beautiful summer weather.”

Attendees claimed to have had a wonderful time at both events however not needing a slicker and umbrella seems to enlighten the experience for most walking Walnut Street. “I’ll always go to Artsfest, but I’ll always enjoy Cider Days more,” said Peyton Muriel, who was tagging along two English bulldogs.

Artsfest organizer Lam Juliea said, “We’ve tried everything, placing tents, deseeding rain clouds, dehumidifying the atmosphere, but it always ends up a downpour. Only people happy are those who sell decorated umbrellas. I wish I’d have been around when Slim Sanders cursed us those many years ago.”

According to legend, Artsfest was cursed in 1908 when a carpetbagger, Slim Sanders, attempting to sell “rain-makers” was banned from attending the festival. The offended vender was believed to have placed a curse of meteorological conditions as retribution for the town shunning his goods and labeling him a shyster.

Local storm watcher preferes "storm stud" title

Springfield, MO—What began as a friendly gathering of KY3 Storm Team Weather Watchers apparently turned rancorous and physical during a recent monthly training exercise. According to on-lookers, Chief KY3 Storm Teamer Ron Hearst was concluding a particularly complicated presentation on the proper way to launch a weather balloon when “all hell broke loose” between rookie Weather Watcher Earl Bigger of rural Theodosia, Mo., and long-time Weather Watcher, Max Longpipe of Buffalo, Mo.

FCN has learned the Bigger-Longpipe feud has been simmering ever since Bigger floated the idea of changing the name of the all volunteer KY3 Weather Watchers group to the KY3 Storm Studs.  A clearly agitated Longpipe reportedly shoved Bigger saying, “…it’s over, drop it, you sure as hell ain’t no storm stud and never will be.”

Sources say Bigger’s fascination with the Storm Stud concept stems from his curious idolization of The Weather Channel’s Jim Cantore. In a show of solidarity Bigger recently shaved his head to mimic Cantore’s high-gloss dome and has repeatedly bullied the entire KY3 Storm Team on-air staff and Weather Watcher colleagues to do the same, or else. A KY3 Weather Watcher wishing to remain anonymous told FCN, “It is embarrassing really; I mean he is likeable enough but at our monthly training exercises he is always trying to chest-bump Mr. Hearst and chanting Storm Stud, Storm Stud, Storm Stud!” The source concluded, “You know spring storm season is fast approaching, the last thing we need on the loose is a rookie Weather Watcher turned Storm Stud wannabe.”

FCN has also learned Bigger, a semi-reserve deputy in Howell, Douglas, and Pulaksi Counties, is contemplating filing formal assault charges against Longpipe, or he may just “take matters” into his own hands.

Neighbor meth lab threat meter level is at medium

Springfield, MO—With the recent onslaught of treacherous winter weather, KSPR has introduced the Threat Meter to help Ozarkers understand the most likely means by which they will die in the near future. Over the past several weeks, the meter has gained popularity by including threats such as “snow,” “ice,” “wind,” and “cold.” However, these threats are only seasonal and meteorologist Devin Brighty is worried that the Threat Meter could lose some appeal as temperatures warm and icicle impalements becomes less likely.

To help sustain interest in the Threat Meter, KSPR will be adding “Meth Lab Neighbor” and “Overzealous Police Officer” in the coming months. “Winter weather, though violent and deadly as all get out, is fleeting in this area, so we knew that we had to add a couple of more common threats to the meter,” said Brighty. “There’s less than a ten percent chance that your average Ozarker will be dismembered by Jack Frost, so it’s really not that big of a threat. But there’s about a forty percent chance that you have a meth lab neighbor and a fifty percent chance that they’ll try to eat your face at some point. So that’s a pretty big threat.”

As for the overzealous sexual offender, Brighty said that the threat will not be tied specifically to one town or city’s offenders, since all seem equally likely to handcuff, tazer, and/or urinate on someone.