Quirk demonstrates his skills at Middle School pep rally

Springfield MO.- Charlie Quirk, a Glendale High School senior, who was recently declared ineligible to play in this final year by the Missouri State High School Activities Association will play instead for Carver Middle School.  Apparently a loophole in MSHSAA guidelines does not prevent a player transferring back to middle school if high school credits are offered.  “My transfer from St. Charles East to Glendale was done for family reasons,” commented Quirk.  “By transferring back to middle school, I am doing it for pure athletic reasons.  I am a senior and can’t sit out a year.  There are no trophies or championships in playing JV ball.  By going back to middle school and still maintain high school credits for graduation, I can compete for the city championship.”
Carver 8th grade basketball coach Joe Dunkem was all smiles when asked about his new player.  “I have to keep pinching myself to see if this is all real.  When you deal with the average 8th grader who is 5 foot nothing and has to learn the basics, then get a guy who is 6-foot-seven and averages 17.7 points and 8.8 rebounds a game is a coaching dream.  I also believe that this will be the first time in Springfield Public School history where a player from an 8th grade championship will go on to play Division I college basketball the following year.”

When asked for a statement regarding Quirk’s transfer, officials from St. Charles East High School were short and rude.  “He punked us,” stated Al Rectum Athletic Director for St. Charles East.  “We thought by being total jerks and a-holes about him choosing family over our sports programs would send a message to him and others like him.  His actions make us look stupid and we don’t need any help with that.”

In an unrelated story MSHSAA has approve the entire St.Louis Vashon boys basketball roster which features players from Europe and the former Soviet Union.  “None of these guys speak a lick of English but they can sure play ball,” stated former Vashon coach Floyd Steele who will house the entire rooster for the upcoming season.

Several dozen stylists will contribute their time and services to provide the mainstream fashion hairstyle free of charge. “The Mohawk is often dyed brilliant colors and worn so that it points straight up, often to impressive height,” said stylist Bernadine Grasso.

According to the Academy of Hair Design a wide variety of ‘hawks will be available. Styles include the bihawk, trihawk, deathhawk, dreadhawk, faux-hawk, halfhawk, tophawk, reverse Mohawk, sunhawk and libertyhawk, featuring kickin’ liberty spikes.

“We have a strategy to keep middle school children on equal ground, provided most of them accept this punk rock fashion,” said Cherokee Middle School principal Lars Villmat, “If they all look ridiculous, then they can stay focused on their schoolwork. Based on this reverse-psychology uniform system, we’ve actually seen test scores rise, especially among the trihawks who improved 12%.”

“This is awesome!” said 7th grader Kenny Mopar who begged his mother—with correct verb conjugation—to take him to the free shave and haircut event. Mohawks for Middle Schoolers started at 9:00 am and will continue until 3:00 pm at the Academy of Hair Design at 1832 S. Glenstone.