Thousands of questionable t-shirts were scattered across I-44 blocking traffic

Webster County, MO—After overturning, a t-shirt toting tractor-trailer spilled its load on Interstate 44 blocking the westbound lanes with garments imprinted with witty phrases emblazoned in a variety of interesting and hard-to-read fonts.

The Missouri Department of Transportation reported finding thousands of shirts with messages proclaiming, “That’s What She Said”, “What Wouldn’t Jesus Do?” and “Camping Is In-Tents”. One witness, Jeremy Pain, said, “There were busted tees everywhere, it was a t-shirt hell for sho’. In fact, I hadn’t seen hat many t-shirts on the ground since spring break ’08!”

A passing motorist, Kyle Trots, said, ”guess it is shirtless o’clock already today,” ripping off his upper garment and tossing into the back seat of his car pumping his fists into the air.

Bernie Frutenhump, the driver of the rig, said, “I was scared shirtless. (The 18-wheeler) rolled on. Eighteen wheeler rolled on over causing a massive t-shirt traffic jam.”

MoDOT expects the clean up effort to continue for several hours due to the large amount of funny and semi-funny shirts. MoDOT plans to sort the shirts according to humor level. Frutenhump said he would give the shirt off his back to avoid the accident, not fully grasping the irony in his comment.

Traffic cones consume society In Springfield, MO

Springfield, MO—Recent statistics show that for every Ozark inhabitant, three highway cones exist. The rise in traffic cone population is directly related to the numerous construction projects occurring around the area.

Missouri Department of Transportation officials confirm that approximately 500,000 cones exist within Springfield city limits.

Citizens are allowed to take the allotted cones once the road project nearest them is completed as a souvenir for the “rebuilding of America” according to President Obama.

Economic stimulus funds are providing the catalyst for highway and thoroughfare improvement, however a side booming business is the cultivation of new traffic cones. The true origin of the traffic cone is not truly understood. Most agree that they are manufactured and distributed, however, some organizations–such as the Traffic Cone Preservation Society–suggest the Conus originates from an ancient squid known as Polypodis narensis.

“I don’t know, I’ve never seen so many cones appear at once. Maybe they are a living species and multiplying in construction environments where they thrive… Or maybe a dude in a truck drops them off. I’m not sure anymore,” said Hershel Jones who lives next to the intersection of highway 44 and Glenstone. He continued, “If they are an alien life form, I hope they introduce me to Dan Akroyd and Jane Curtain.”

MoDOT signage directs highway traffic away from recently discovered Springhenge, a prehistoric monument found in southeast Springfield.

Springfield, MO— A prehistoric monument was uncovered in southern Greene County today at the U.S. 65-U.S. 60 interchange and dubbed “Springhenge”. The iconic stone monument is composed of earthworks lined in a setting of large standing stones and sits at the centre of the densest complex of Ozarkian and Springfieldian forests in Missouri, including several hundred burial mounds.

The site and its surroundings have been added to the UNESCO’s list of World Heritage Sites, and it is also a legally protected Scheduled Ancient Monument.

Archeologists believe Springhenge served as a burial ground from its earliest beginnings. The dating of cremated remains found on the site shows that burials took place there as early as 3000 BC, when the first ditches were being constructed around the monument. Burials continued at Springhenge for at least another 500 years.

The Missouri Department of Transportation uncovered the site during excavation for a project to upgrade US 65 to a six-lane freeway in late August. MoDOT is asking motorists not to pay too much attention to the monument and want to see drivers concentrate on the road because there will be a lot of distractions in the cloverleaf area as scholars work to better understand the ancient monument.

Historians believe Springhenge may have been a place of pilgrimage for neo-druids, and for certain others following pagan or neo-pagan beliefs. Late-summer sunrises greeted visitors this year, however, the first record of recreated Druidic practices date to 1905 when the Ancient Order of Druids enacted a ceremony along the James River.

Springhenge is considered one of the Seven Wonders of Springfield, MO.

Exercising their First Amendment rights, they succeeded in getting MoDOT to let them erect a sign for their group along West Bypass, between Sunshine and Farm Road 142 in exchange for a promise to clean up the road four times a year.

Now officially recognized as part of the Missouri Adopt-A-Highway program, the anti-Rebel Alliance group has posted a picture of its sign on its Web site. Under the sign are Stormtroopers giving the dark side salute and are holding large “Death Star Lives” signs.

The half-mile section of West Bypass adopted by the Empire will be renamed Admiral Ackbar Memorial Highway, pending Gov. Jay Nixon’s approval of a large transportation bill.

Sith Lord Darth Vader called the renaming “a lame attempt to insult the Empire’s pro-environment/green policies. You don’t know the power of the dark side!”

This renaming was believed to bring about balance to the Force, however, observers are reminded of Admiral Ackbar’s famous declaration “it’s a trap”; a trap that may be difficult to unsnarl. Ackbar’s daughter resents the action and states, “I don’t want Darth Vader and the Emperor’s white hats stomping on a highway named for my father. What will happen if they don’t pick up the litter? The whole thing is disgusting.”

State Rep. Sara Lampe initiated the renaming effort based on a prerecorded hologram message delivered to her via droid. The shaky hologram simply stated, “help us Sara Lampe, you’re our only hope” over and over again.

Vader had a message for lawmakers saying, “Impressive. Most impressive. You have controlled your fear. Now, release your anger. Only your hatred can destroy me.”

The Jedi Church believes that there is one all powerful Force that binds all things in the universe together.

On Monday they unveiled the first interchange of its kind in the United States, and it’s now open in north Springfield. It’s a diverging diamond interchange at I-44 and Kansas Expressway and is certain to confuse the nation’s worst drivers right here in Springfield, MO.

Reportedly, several transportation departments across the country have participated in the “Double Black Diamond” challenge, a secret game where departments vied to be the first to implement this practical joke on its citizens.

“No other city in our nation felt that this type of interchange was an improvement, so when we got the approval we were ecstatic. We won. I mean consider this; the worst drivers in the US of A are now pitted against this confusing interchange to be navigated at high speeds in massive vehicles. This is hysterical,” said MoDOT worker Jimmy Urenka who won a $45 dollar side bet with a highway worker in Delaware.

Local driver Richter Hayseed said, “I was coming into Springfield from my hometown – where we only have one stop sign – and I came upon this dad-berned highway mess, and I nearly got my nickels and dimes pressed in.”

It opened up at 10:00 Sunday night and, as of Monday afternoon, no serious problems have been reported. A number of MoDOT employees took turns standing near the site pretending to move cones and other “official” equipment to witness the ensuing madness.

“Yeah, not only did we get to pull the greatest practical joke since the ‘clover leaf’ our taxpayers paid us to build it/stand around, and we got drivers to legally operate their vehicles on the left side of the road. They paid us to make them drive on the wrong side! Hello?! This is awesome! Boo-yeah!,” said Victor Hytum, MoDOT spokesman as he chest-bumped an orange vested comrade on his right.

MoDOT still has some concrete barricades to finish up, and they’ll be putting up a glare screen on top of the concrete walls to help with bright headlights that appear to be in the same lane, coming right at your car. Good one fellas.