Texting increases during snowy conditions and slow drive times

Springfield, MO – Drivers experienced more time to text and drive on Tuesday as a slight dusting of snow snarled traffic to a standstill on most major thoroughfares. Barely 1/8” of God’s powder covered city streets signaling the all-clear for creeping vehicle speeds, over-cautious braking and snail’s pace right-hand turns.

“Effing shoot me in the face, this driver is NSANE” tweeted Noah Figero as he drove and texted down Glenstone tailgating a weather-impaired motorist. Figero found it a bit harder to text on his mobile device as his fingers were a bit colder than usual, however he had more time to make sure he properly struck the appropriate keys given traffic speeds were reduced to 5-6 MPH.

City of Springfield officials indicated that roads were especially slippery but most motorist were alerted to poor driving conditions by checking their facebook accounts while pulling out of their own driveways. “I was pulling out, checking my tweetdeck and facebook and saw that most people were either sliding into a ditch or bitching about other people’s driving. I knew it was going to be a slow ride to work. I just updated my FB to read ‘take your time while driving today’ as I backed out, put on my seatbelt and ate a Ho-Ho and drank some coffee while inserting the new CD into my car’s in-dash stereo. Safety first people,” said Herm Yolander of Ozark, MO.

Several motorists tweeted collisions to @SGFPolice as they drove by in the slippery streets to report accidents, before they themselves wrecked into the car in front of them.

Red carpet is rolled out at the Vice Theater

Outside City Limits – According to sources, the recent mobile phone ban at Campbell 16 Cine has convinced a local entrepreneur to begin construction on the Vice Theater, a movie house that will allow customers to do as they please while watching their favorite flicks. The Vice will serve beer and wine, have a fine selection of cigars and will allow mobile communications during all screenings.

Dan Newbie, the mastermind behind the idea, says that people go to the movies to escape not to be told what not to do to relax. “Look at the rules placed on us: No smoking, No alcohol, No phone calls, No texting, No talking, No laughing, No expressing emotion ,No eating popcorn too loudly, No crinkling candy wrapper, No outside food/drink, No free refills, No making out in back row, No clapping, No illegal taping / photography, No placing chewed gum under seat. Our theatre will allow all of these so called “bad” habits in the name of fun, which is exactly what today’s theater’s desperately lack,” said Newbie.

The theater is rumored to be housed in the old Illusions building south of town. The theater staff will be comprised mostly of women and will be required to wear revealing outfits and flirt with patrons as they order concessions, take tickets and will provide the occasional lap dance. The grand opening is scheduled this fall.

Considerate driver irks motorists with his lawfulness

Springfield, MO—Local commuter Keith Jonas was seen making a statement to the Springfield community at large. And that statement was “I’m driving the speed limit”. Many interpreted that statement to be the equivalent of a giant middle finger, since it is an unwritten law that you are expected to be going 10-35 mph over the limit in the greater Metro area, especially in construction zones.

“I don’t know what that guys problem is,” vented one teen motorist as she was texting her frustrations while driving 73mph southbound on Glenstone, “OMG, what a jerk. LOL!”

It would appear that Jonas’ experiment was appreciated by one group: senior citizens. Many seniors interviewed said they applauded his efforts to bring a little civility back to roadways.

“It’s about law and order. It’s about respect. It’s about keeping your left turn signal on as a deterrent to speeding” declared Jim Burton, 79, when asked. His only complaint was that Mr. Jonas was still “going a little fast” while operating his vehicle. Burton’s preference? “26 miles per hour. There’s no need to go any faster than that anywhere in this fine city.”

Mr. Jonas’ actions also have local traffic enforcement officers baffled. “Who does he think he is? Is this some sort of joke?” asked Officer Markus Phillips as he scrolled down his computer screen, looking up possible violations for following the speed limit. “Those signs are more like suggestions rather than hard-and-fast laws. We don’t need any more wiseacres in this town. He better get with the program.”

Mr. Jonas could not be reached for comment, since he refused to answer his cell phone while driving, yet another act of defiance against the social norms.

Local attorney snaps a pencil at mere mention of other local lawfirm

Springfield, MO— The phrase “Ah sir, they’ve hired Corbett Lawfirm” has been responsible for pencil breaks across the Ozarks. Initially thought to indicate that the case will be a snap to win against Corbett Lawfirm, sources close to the firm maintain that anger, fear, frustration and uncertainty are the human emotions tapped by the magical phrase to break a defenseless writing instrument.

A representative from the Ozark Pencil Company in St. Louis, MO claims that this intentional assault on personal property has “increased sales in Southwest Missouri” but claims that Ozark Pencil Company does not endorse such violent behavior toward inanimate products.

Physician Noel Yuglah said, “tremors in local attorney’s hands twitch so strongly at the mention of Corbett Lawfirm that no mortal can resist snapping a pencil with the fingers.” This phenomenon has been well document over the years. Some attorneys have heard the phrase and snapped other objects such as steak knives, cellular phones and their own fingers.

Local attorney Brad Traddins reported that he was driving down the road when an associate mentioned that they were going up against Corbett Lawfirm and Traddins snapped his steering wheel in half, causing the car to veer into an oncoming ambulance.

Usually, attorneys stricken by the tremors are in the process of writing in circles on blank pieces of paper, are grouped around a table and/or interfacing with an early 1990’s personal computer with simple email notification bells. Corbett Lawfirm has been sued multiple times for personal property damage and serious damage in a pencil accident, however when the cases are heard in court the prosecution is never able to maintain composure long enough to write a decipherable argument.

Donated batteries to recharge failing pension fund

Springfield, MO— Battery company Duracell calls Springfield one of the cities most likely to experience power outages in the nation. The company promises to provide battery power to Springfield and four other cities during a promotional campaign.

From the press release, “With an average of 27 severe-threshold thunderstorms annually, Springfield has one of the highest rates of power outage potential in the nation.”

Research shows that thunderstorms and tornadoes pose one of the greatest weather threats to power outages, therefore, Duracell has launched its ‘More Power To Protect’ program, pledging to donate more than 10 million hours of battery power to locations most likely to experience power outages.

Donations will be available through Nov. 15, 2009, and supplied via Duracell’s newest products, including the Duracell Daylite LED flashlights and Duracell Instant Chargers for mobile phones. The hours of power donations will go to fire departments in the five cities, including New York, Chicago, Knoxville, Tenn, Springfield, Mo, and Wichita, Kansas. Springfield firefighters and police plan to distribute them locally at a premium to help to fix the pension fund for police officers and firefighters.

Said one observer, “isn’t a donation something that is given, not resold for a profit to increase a pension fund?” That man was immediately doused with water from a nearby fire hydrant to keep his mouth shut.

Click here to continue the battery donations for resale in our community.

State officials said the quickest way to alert teens to the new change in law was to send them instant messages. “The messages are instant,” said Nixon. Distracted driving in any form is considered hazardous and the state thought it imperative to contact these teens as soon as possible.

Teen driver Lindy Holmgren said, “I was almost about to start my car when I received the text message from a Gov. Nixon. I was like, whateve lame. After I read it I totally blocked his number.”

Other teens weren’t so lucky. Austin Yammsville wrecked his car while reading the text message containing the new law changes. “Man, I was executing an attempt to parallel park and my phone blew up, so I checked it. Next thing I know, my rear bumper is two feet deep into a Chevy Tahoe. Thanks for the update G-Nix.”

When alerted to the problems, a spokesperson for the Governor said he was resting at home with tender texting thumbs, however, we was pleased that the messages had all been received. If teens don’t respond to the new laws, a new program is waiting in the wings. The Text-a-lizer, is an application installed onto a mobile phone that can detect if a teen has been texting and when activated will turn off the teen’s vehicle or lock out the ignition system preventing an increase in unsafe roadways.