Trap door leads to wolves

Springfield, MO—Last week John L. Morris, owner of Bass Pro, defended a need for trap-door/wolf pit added to his office. “I know due to the tough economic times many higher levels executives are called to tone down superficial items. But, a hidden trap door leading to a wolf pit is an absolute necessity,” stated Morris to his board of directors. Salesmen, annoying subordinates, and Jedi knights are all reasons stated by Morris that a trap-door/wolf pit is needed.

The 5’ by 5’ trap door will be situated in front of Morris’s hand crafted oak desk. At the simple press of a button, hidden underneath the desk, opens the door thus sending the victim to his death. Morris’s lawyers stated that because the wolves do the tearing and feeding, Morris cannot be held responsible for the deaths.

Morris had a tough time choosing the animal for the pit. Beavers, otters, and stuffed polar bears where all choices for the pit. But, wolves were finally chosen because of their deadliness among other reasons. “No land animal is more patriotic than wolves. When people get torn to shreds I want them to think about the greatest country on Earth: America,” states Morris.

Morris’s dream of a trap door had gone through several incantations, but his previous traps were not at all effective. “In the 80’s I had a trap door that dropped my victims into the bass and gar tank on the lower level of the shopping center. But, it took forever for the bass to gum my enemies to death. 9 times out of 10 I had to pull them out and apologize,” stated Morris.

The wolves were imported from northern Montana and transported to Bass Pro Shops weeks ago. For tax and legal purposes the wolves will be labeled as downsizing consultants.

Branson Landing sale spoiled by actual bombers

Branson, MO—Yesterday, several Branson Landing vendors were dealt a cruel hand as they launched their newly themed “Boom Sale” to gain additional sales during the tourist off-season.

“If we’d known that there was going to be some douche bag placing bombs near ATMs we would have never proceeded with the promotion,” said Branson Landing management, “Fortunately, this bomb scare has shed some light on our endeavors and people now know that they can shop for goods in an area of some excitement.”

“I always thought I had to travel to some exotic place to put my life in danger. Y’know some third world country or war-torn city-state. Now, all I have to do to appreciate my precious life is go shopping at a nearby outdoor mall,” said Holly Summers, a resident of Clever, MO.

The  “Boom Sale” was to feature explosive savings on the great deals offered to consumers. However, after a local meth head couple placed a real bomb on the property, most shoppers are avoiding the region and resorting to online purchases.

“I’m not planning to leave my house until 2012 has passed. There are just too many crazy people out there,” said Toby Hollis, a local hermit who hasn’t left his trailer home since the Millennium scare of 2000.

“WTF? I thought we were protected by John Cougar Mellencamp here in the heartland. Who are these dung eaters tying to blow up my little pink house?” pondered James Smith.

According to police reports, brainsick, lunatic, softheads can be found in areas where meth production is at peak production. Local government suggests that all citizens appreciate life day-by-day and report any half-baked jackasses trying to steal an ATM machine to local authorities.

After the bomb was found on the Branson Landing, Missouri officially secured guaranteed street cred with other terror-filled states. The Show-Me State has joined the ranks of other shell-shocked states such as Oklahoma, New York and Montana.

A local shopper presses on to take advantage of winter storm savings

Springfield, MO—The coldest winter storm to hit the Ozarks in a decade will be brought to you by your local supermarkets this week. The local grocers network has pooled funds to sponsor the dangerous weather that will render this area helpless and immobile. Better stock up now before the paranoia promotion ends.

“We derive a significant portion of our sales to bad weather and ‘bulk up’ occasions from shoppers,” said Leif Wilted a local produce manager.  Doctor Phillip Yercart, a consumer behavior consultant said, “the association between bad weather predictions and shopper behavior is well known. As worse weather is forecasted, consumer packaged goods sales increase. It’s a direct relationship that deserves considerable attention.”

Local news channels will feature storm tracking emblazoned with supermarket logos to promote specials, encouraging visits to stores. Preapproved scripts have been distributed to newscasters across Southwest Missouri that suggest reporting such as “The cold front will move through the Ozarks Wednesday evening and temperatures will begin to plunge like the prices of canned goods at your conveniently located grocery store!” and “Extreme cold and extreme savings in the deli department.”

Local weatherman, Shea O’Ray, reported this morning by saying, “be sure to stock up on supplies at your local grocery before this weather rolls in. I hear frozen pizzas are on sale with a manufacturer’s coupon.”

As the sunshine ends, and the winter storm races across Montana over the Dakotas and hurdling through Nebraska to crush Springfield in snow and wicked cold temperatures, consumers will be comforted by the knowledge that name brand cereal will be “buy one, get one free” through the end of the week.

Supermarkets across the country are already anticipating a surge in sales in the final quarter of 2012 as the Mayan calendar closes out the end of the world.

A giant postcard rests upon a destroyed home near Southern Hills lake

Springfield, MO – Residents of southeast Springfield were greeted with calamitous surprise this morning. At approximately 7:25 a.m. a large quarter-mile sized postcard sliced through the Southern Hills neighborhood, crushing fourteen houses and damaging countless others. The massive postcard read, “Spring Has Sprung in Springfield Missouri,” accompanied by a picture of a flowering hillside.

News of the catastrophe spread rapidly and a suspect was arrested quickly. The suspect is an enormous monster who goes by the name, Luke Wilson. Wilson had been arrested while standing in Missouri and Montana throwing postcards across the country with no regard for the human consequences. The only statement Wilson made was on his arrival up the courthouse steps. Wilson could be heard shouting, “I was only demonstrating the superior coverage of AT&T.”

“I don’t give a damn what he was demonstrating,” said victim Charles Beaner. “That mammoth beast is responsible for making my two story home a split level. I’d like to rollover his minutes.” The postcard stretches from Sunset all the way to Eastmoor. It sliced through the first houses it hit and then damaged several others as it fell on its side, nearly missing the Verizon Wireless store on Battlefield.

I could see the great beast in the sky throwing cards haphazardly and I thought to myself, “Is that the guy from The Royal Tenenbaums? He’s taller in person,” said Southern Hills resident, Maggie Germaine. “I figure he must be angry about his career opportunities.”

Governor Jay Nixon plans on calling the scene a disaster area, but can’t get good enough reception to alert the proper authorities.

Says Fritzle, “I did this last year in Montana and one person was offering up a cricket cake, which is a funnel cake with insects placed on a stick.” Strange fair foods offered at the Ozarks Empire Fair include deep fried Snickers bar suppositories, corn dog con carnies, and injectable fried cheese served in a syringe.

“Inspections on our cuisine is important,” said Ozark Empire Fair director while an unsupervised ride worker was duct taping together two unsoldered pieces of an attraction behind him.

Annual fair attendee Rosa Jones said, “I’m a people watcher. I sit near the tilt-a-whirl where there is a Pork N’ Mayo tortilla booth. I can’t tell you how many people load up on that crap while waiting in line, then unload it while whirling around. I bring plastic to cover my clothing.”

Most attendees have been known to appreciate the Rise ‘n Swine breakfast booth near the stockyards. Bacon, ham and sausage biscuits are a favorite snack for those catching a glimpse of the hogs in the pig pen.

For those looking for flavors off the beaten path, traveling carnies have been known to share secret or underground fair foods collected around the world at a special event held on an undisclosed day known as Taste a Carnie.