Sinkhole swallows Ozarks indestructible mansion

Highlandville, MO – The indestructible castle Pensmore, formerly known as Overwatch Manor, was afforded every protection available to architects, however, a good ol’ fashioned Missouri sink hole has provided an unseen set back to the colossal project. This week an enormous sink hole consumed Pensmore in an 800 foot collapse into the Ozark Mountains.

The 72,000-square foot work-in-progress was to be the future home of a software entrepreneur and was started nearly two years ago and with construction slated to be completed by late 2013. The energy efficient, state-of-the-art, disaster-proof mansion made of concrete was projected to be the fourth largest home in America. “It’s certainly the most expensive sink hole in America now,” said Kellen Iopsy a local neighbor in Springfield, MO.

The Ozarks, long known for a system of underground rivers and caves, proved too much for man-made technology. “Mother Nature really delt us a death blow. We considered F5 tornados, bomb blasts and termites, not sink holes,” said construction manager Beau Jonsings. “But it’s just as well. We were dealing with a number of issues with the structure. Earthworms had softened the soil on the east side encouraging collapse and the master bedroom had a leak, which once the water came into the concrete room had no place to escape. We almost lost Dirty Earl when he fell into the master ‘pool’ last week!” Jonsings confirmed that Dirty Earl can’t swim.

Projected to be bigger than white house, Pensmore now joins the ranks of Atlantis. The home owner claims that Pensmore will rise again; however, in the meantime he plans to build the world’s largest impenetrable mobile home.

"Sorry!" says Mother Nature

Springfield, MO- Due to numerous set backs and mistakes Autumn will be coming months later than usual. The ridiculous heat and humidity will continue until after Thanksgiving.

The delay is contributed to many factors. The cooler weather was lost in the mail due to a shipping error. The order form for yellow, red, and orange leaves was misplaced under a stack of papers, therefore was never sent out. The pumpkins and apple cider division was plagued with revolving door managers and ridiculous turn over. Also inexperienced interns never got around getting bids for corn and squash.

“We are so sorry to the people of the Ozarks,” states Mother Nature. “We are trying to get out act together. We are planning a short Fall, and catching up in Winter. Spring 2012 should be right on schedule.”

Springfield citizens are planning to make adjustments to their fall events. Halloween costumes for males will mostly be swimmer dudes, Tarzan, and underwear model. Due to their all ready short shirts and low cut tops, women costumes will still be slutty nurse, slutty school girl, slutty ghost, and slutty prostitutes.

For Thanksgiving, turkeys will be barbequed on the grill (or sidewalk) and slip n slides will be the activity of choice instead of football. Also yams will be replaced by watermelons and mashed potatoes will be replaced by watermelon.

“People may complain about the heat now. But, just wait till Dec 2012. It will be a real scorcher. I mean literally hellfire. We are all excited about it,” states Mother Nature. “

Eat tornadoes and fart hurricanes, this tornado looks like a g-string on a dirty man

Springfield, MO—Fort Leonard Wood was recently attacked by a mighty black tornado, ripping through soldier’s ranks like a tear in a lost lottery ticket. The force of nature completely dominated the most powerful military force on Earth with little regard for repercussions.

Former President Bush said, “These tornadoes are devastating, when cold and warm air masses mix they create an axis of evil that we must not back down from unless we want to backed down upon by backing down.”

President Obama supported Bush’s comments and added, “We must defeat these mighty black tornadoes with eloquently phrased rhetoric and dramatic…pauses. Yes, we can!” The Government has identified Mother Nature as an immediate, clear and present danger and has frozen all her assets in an attempt to place a stranglehold on her destructive efforts.

An unnamed Ft. Wood representative said, “MotherFather! We were surprise attacked in the middle of the night by our worst enemy. We have no defense as our weather-manipulation weapon is still under development. I believe that someone told Mother Nature that we were working on such as devise and she orchestrated a premeditated attack to neutralize our efforts.”

When reached for comment military expert R. Lee Ermey barked, “Tornado? When I was a wet-eared, pimple-faced cadet we ate tornadoes for brunch and farted hurricanes. Suck it up ladies! Hoorah!”

A child shows dissapointment at the lack of snowfall

Springfield, MO—Thousands of Ozarkers awoke to a disappointing morning of little snowfall accumulation this morning. According to news reports this area was expecting 8-12 inches of snow prompting school, business and social cancellations.

“I was planning to take off from work, read a book and watch a few movies, but now thanks to Mother Nature holding out and the d-bags on TV who raised my expectations, I have to spend the day in the office,” said Saul Rogers, a local anesthesiologist. “What if I was only 50% accurate at my job? Motherlicker, I want my snow!” Rogers exclaimed while punching his fist into his hand.

Most schools, churches and businesses cancelled regular activities yesterday due to the severe weather storm prediction. Unfortunately, all regular activities will resume according to normal schedules. “Oh seriously? I spend thirty minutes waiting in line at freakin’ Walmart last night for this?” said Zach Damion.

A column of dry air interfered with the snowy destruction of everyday life in Springfield, creating an echo hook of safety for the Queen City. Everyone from school kids to adults shed a few tears of disappointment as they headed off to their daily undisturbed routines.

Mother Nature Adds Water Hazard to Swing Right Golf

Springfield, MO—Local driving range and miniature golf course business, Swing Right Golf, added a new water hazard last week. Water hazards, like bunkers, are natural obstacles designed to add both beauty and difficulty to a golf course.

Swing Right Golf owners reportedly wanted to increase the profile of the practice course by situating a natural watershed between the teeing ground and the markers. “Since the entire valley flooded, I suppose we will need to add buoys as yardage markers and invest in some floating balls until the water subsides,” said one manager.

A press release from Swing Right Golf quoted the owner as saying “we’ve always wanted a small stream winding through the countryside to add to our aesthetic, however Mother Nature decided a total douching would be more challenging for our players.”

Local watershed partnerships are applauding the move and the decision to use the “earth’s design” instead of pumping or redirecting water flow into the area.

When golfers at the range hit into the hazard, the player has the option of playing the ball as it lies in the hazard or taking a stroke and distance penalty by playing a substitute ball from the spot at which they hit into the hazard. So far, business has increased as golf fanatics are eager to hit the links at the newly dubbed “Swim Right Golf” course.