Manning signs in a separate division from his brother.

Springfield, MO – One day after being released by the Indianapolis Colts, future Hall-of-Famer Peyton Manning announced that he will sign with a local high school to continue his football career. “Over the years, Peyton has devoted time to work with local youth groups, he envisions his 2^nd high school career as an extension of that experience,” said Manning’s agent.

“HHS has a strong commitment to excellence in athletics. I couldn’t be happier becoming the Hornets next quarterback. When I learned that DGB elected to play a 5^th year in high school, Reggie (Wayne) and I talked and decided that Springfield is where we should be to play football at a high level,” said Manning.

Manning and free agent wide receiver Reggie Wayne are due to report to Hoyt Shumate Stadium. “We’re gonna have fun, we’re gonna encourage each other and have teamwork. Reggie and I are going to use football to teach valuable lessons in communication like ‘Get your head out of your ass!’ and  ‘Get open!’” said Manning.

Nate Perganton, a junior on the squad, currently wears jersey number 18 and is expected to request 4 cases of Gatorade and at least one iPad from Manning in return for using his jersey.

DGB to MSHOF, OK?

Springfield, MO – In a surprise announcement Dorieal Green-Beckham has been added to the Missouri Sports Hall of Fame induction class of 2012. Panel members responsible for deciding the final candidates said, “Crap, we totally forgot about him.”

Sources report that the MSHOF election committee was “focusing on older athletes, y’know those who have spent an entire lifetime chasing achievements and earning success. We totally forgot about DGB and his awesomeness, we were blinded by age I suppose.”

Projections show that Green-Beckham will easily surpass other NFL MSHOF inductees such as Priest Holmes, Rod Smith, Marcus Allen and Grant Wistrom by his second year in the league. “Might as well put him in now,” said Judi Longerkamp.

Green-Beckham has already been sized for a cast iron sculpture which will be unveiled next summer when he is inducted as one of the “Legends” at the Missouri Sports Hall of Fame. Says Green-Beckham, “Seriously, you guys can wait to do this. I mean let me at least get through a couple years of college first, cool?”

DGB runs cross-country breaking all records

Springfield, MO – Hillcrest High School senior football wide receiver Dorial Green-Beckham broke a national record tonight by catching a slant pass and running to Washington State in record time. No other athlete has ever attempted this feat and DGB didn’t know that he had completed a record-breaking catch until he reached the Pacific Ocean.

 
“Dorial is a special player. Once he catches a ball he is gone. I mean gone. There is no stopping him, unless you are an body of water, like an ocean,” said his coach. Green-Beckham recorded over 2,000 yards receiving on the catch running from Missouri’s Hoyt Shumate Stadium to Pike Place Market in Seattle Washington, crisscrossing 9 states in the process.

The highly touted football standout completed the trip in under 30-minutes and for a moment stopped the rotation of Earth and reversing space and time. “I remember throwing my popcorn in the air after he caught the ball, then next thing I knew I was sitting on the bleachers with a full popcorn bucket in my hand…what happened?” said Hillcrest football fan Will Pollian.

The touchdown put Hillcrest up 14-0 against Republic, and DBG returned to finish the game in after half time. Never before has a physical feat been attempted. Green-Beckahm even took time to visit the Seattle Seahawks while he was in the Pacific Northwest.

Accounting VP demands reports on his desk now

Springfield, MO – Employees at Jimmerson Accounting were deeply offended today when VP of Operations Lance Figpie came dressed as an Oakland Raiders fan. The office had declared today as “wear your team jersey day” to celebrate the opening of the NFL season. Figpie took the spirit day too far according to co-workers.

”Lance showed up at my desk and yelled at me. He said, ‘you better have that report on my desk or I’m gonna rip out your lungs and feed them to the piranha I keep in the men’s room, dirtbag!’ That is really uncalled for, I’ve never heard him yell like that before,” said Lori Trembles, a junior accountant with the firm who was wearing a Denver Broncos pullover.

Eyewitnesses reported unusual behavior from the man they had always respected and admired. Figpie was seen knocking over the water cooler, punching secretaries in the face and twice urinated on the fax machine. “Lance has really taken this whole ‘fun’ idea to wear jerseys to work to a new low level. He is a nightmare to be around while dressed as a Raiders fan,” said human resources manager Joan Yola who donned a Kansas City Chiefs jersey.

Before the morning staff meeting began Richard Newton, wearing a San Diego Chargers branded polo shirt, rushed out to the parking lot to find his SUV on fire next to a burning trail of gasoline that read “Chargers Suck!”

Jim Jimmerson, principal and owner of the firm brushed aside Figpie’s behavior as “being in the spirit of the NFL” and declined to address the boorish antics for fear of a nooige followed by a swirley administered by Figpie. Employees were comforted slightly with the knowledge that the Raiders will go 2-14 this season.

Reps score points for fantasy owners

Springfield, MO – Uber fantasy dorks were saddened to learn that the NFL lockout has passed this week and that they will now be forced to participate in regular season fantasy football. One player, Jeb Hontie said, “Man it was like the planets were aligning and opening up a parallel universe for us to play NFL Fantasy Lock Out. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity that only happens once a generation. Now that it is over, I don’t know what to say.”

NFL Fantasy Lockout works in a similar fashion to regular fantasy football where “owners” select or draft “players” to comprise a “team”. The Lockout version features “owners” drafting “player representatives” and even head coaches such as Roger Goodell or DeMaurice Smith to score fantasy points. The higher the cumulative score of the team, the more likely a victory.

“My team ‘Playa Hatah’ had Peyton Manning, Drew Brees and Tom Brady on it. When they filed the Brady lawsuit against the NFL I cashed in on the points. It was awesome and helped lead me to a league victory,” said Newt Owens.

Previously, only fantasy football players from the 80’s had any sort of reference to the lock out fantasy football league. “Like it has been said, it is not every year that a commissioner, labor head and player representatives make up a fantasy football team. I’m just glad that I had the chance to witness and participate in it,” said Owens.

Wolfpack players to replace Dallas Cowboys roster

Springfield, MO – Hours after dismissing Wade Phillips as the Dallas Cowboys head coach, team owner Jerry Jones purchased the Springfield Wolfpack to replace his football team’s roster with players willing to show up and play in each game. Said Jones, “An in-season coaching change is not something I’ve done before, nor is a mid-season roster change. But I think what’s best for the organization and the fans is an across the board personnel change.” ESPN NFL reporter Ed Werder, reported the purchase and planned roster change and said, “Jones wants to salvage something from this season. Starting 1-7 isn’t going to please the fan base, so Jones has reached to the Ozarks to find a storyline for the remainder of the NFL season.”

During live coverage at the MediaCom Ice Park Arena, ESPN senior writer John Clayton quickly hid his ponytail and confirmed, “Jerry Jones wants a team with heart; and he’s hired ex-football star Paul Crewe to lead the scrappy Springfield Wolfpack players to revive the Dallas Cowboys franchise.”

The Springfield Wolfpack played to a 5-5 record in the 2010 professional indoor football league and finished third with a loss in the league semifinals. Said Jones, “at least these players have the desire to go out and compete each week. They made it to a semifinal game and I seriously doubt our current roster could move down a level and achieve the same kind of success.”

Who Dat? The speech completing MVP Drew Brees, dat who.

Springfield, MO—Drew Brees recently spoke at the 14th Annual Steak & Steak Dinner to benefit the Boys & Girls Clubs of Springfield and completed an astonishing 70.6% of his speech with remarkable accuracy. The Super Bowl MVP set a franchise record for speaking in front of people eating steak while raising money for charity.

The Super Bowl winning New Orleans Saints quarterback won the crowd over by digging deep into his playbook to deliver a speech that was a combination of quick wit and sharp, accurate comments. However, early in the speech Brees faced a deficit of crowd approval by fumbling two attempts at humor. He recovered quickly by handing off to RB Reggie Bush for a quick burst of comic relief.

“This was a great reception. At first, I attempted a flat route with my speech and went with a down and out pattern both failing to produce results. Realizing I was about to be sacked, I called the halfback option and Reggie really provided the jumpstart I needed before he tossed it back to me. This was a team victory,” said Brees.

Brees left the event with guest speaker record highs in verb-noun agreement completion percentage, highest laughs per attempt at humor (LPAH), and most consecutive attempts at conjugation without a fumble or interception of thought. His delivery was on target and he completed the night with an unheard of 94.8% QB rating.

Toward the end of his speech Brees topped off the winning drive with a dazzling quarterback scramble rocketing his message into the hearts of those in attendance. Scoring quickly and efficiently, Brees’ individual statistics led to numerous accolades; he was named the Offensive player of the night.

“Offensive? Who dat? Brees? I didn’t think he was offensive,” said Mary Jimble, who was seated a table near the back of the University Plaza Convention Center banquet hall.

The 14th Annual Steak & Steak Dinner and Charity Auction is the largest annual fundraising event for the Boys & Girls Clubs of Springfield.

Troubled running back Larry Johnson reflects upon his new opportunity with the Springfield WolfPack

Springfield, MO—Team officials announced that the Springfield WolfPack will be picking up former Kansas City Chiefs running back Larry Johnson Jr. for the upcoming indoor football season.

Head coach Mike Burris said, “we’re taking it one game at a time, LJ gives us a great chance to compete week in and week out.” Johnson was set to return from suspension this week after making demeaning comments about Chiefs coach Todd Haley on his Twitter account. Yesterday, the Kansas City Chiefs released running back Larry Johnson, opening the door for the WolfPack player acquisition.

Johnson was just 75 yards away from becoming the Chiefs’ all-time leading rusher and now has to work his way up the ladder once again with his new indoor football team.

Springfield resident Joe Junmert said, “I can’t believe he signed with our team here in town. Fifty bucks says he’s suspended within two weeks from the WolfPack.”

Johnson’s first appearance at the Mediacom Ice Park will be in April of 2010. He has been assigned a social media coach from Drury University and will be required to complete the university’s certification course for social media in June of next year. Drury’s department of communication, says the certification is the first of its kind at any higher education institution in the four-state region and welcome the chance to work with a high profile personality such as Johnson.

Radio talk show host plans to purchase Rams and their conservative style of play

St. Louis, MO—Radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh says he is teaming up with St. Louis Blues owner Dave Checketts in a bid to buy the St. Louis Rams. If purchased, it is widely assumed that Limbaugh will institute a Gang of Eight football management style to leverage his experience of on-air offensive lines, piling on, being out of bounds and multiple personal fouls.

Springfield fan Gary Belcher said, “I guess that would compliment their conservative offense.” Limbaugh declined to immediately comment on the pending transaction, citing a confidentiality agreement with the Bank of Amigo, the financial firm hired by the family of late Rams owner Georgia Frontiere to review assets of her estate.

Rams quarterback Marc Bulger said, “[If Limbaugh becomes an owner] we’re obviously going to need to make our audibles more obnoxious.”

Limbaugh said the defensive linesmen will need to receive an “Addadicktomy” in order to perform up to his standards. He also hopes to avoid the drive-by sports media, clean up any illegal prescriptions, er procedures in the National Football League and looks forward to stamping “dittohead” on all players’ helmets (Limbaugh plans to rename the team to the St. Louis RINOs).

Head coach Steve Spagnuolo says under this ownership he would be forced to design a new hurry-up-and-be-offensive scheme and would require all “Fumblenazi’s” to be placed on immediate probation.

Limbaugh insists that his ownership would in no way interfere with his obsession with The Greatest Football Team in the History of Civilization, the Pittsburgh Steelers.