DGB chooses high school again

Springfield, MO – The nation’s number one high school recruit, Dorial Green-Beckham declared his intentions on national signing day with a stunning proclamation: to stay at Hillcrest High School for one more year before signing a letter of intent with an institute of higher learning.

“DGB felt that he really needed more time to make his decision – there were so many excellent programs to choose from and he wants to make the right choice regarding his future,” said one source, “he plans to take this next year to fully explore his options and plans to set more records than any other high school player in the history of this country.”

Green-Beckham was genuinely pleased with the recruiting process and enjoyed the attention paid by several top football programs. “The courting/recruitment process is an experience like no other,” said NFL scout Herb Kickhall, “for a high school recruit of such value, it only comes around once in a career. For DGB to want to experience it again is normal. I would.”

Sources close to the manchild report that he is really fairly comfortable crushing opposing high school defenses with circus-like one-handed catches, sprinting away from safeties like a cheetah from a turtle and scoring touchdowns at will. “I’m proud of him, kids these days are too eager to grow up and start adulthood. DGB is setting a trend by staying in high school for 5 years. And I really appreciate having the opportunity to watch him next season here in town….go Hornets!” said Lou Schefflerberg a Springfield native.

DGB runs cross-country breaking all records

Springfield, MO – Hillcrest High School senior football wide receiver Dorial Green-Beckham broke a national record tonight by catching a slant pass and running to Washington State in record time. No other athlete has ever attempted this feat and DGB didn’t know that he had completed a record-breaking catch until he reached the Pacific Ocean.

 
“Dorial is a special player. Once he catches a ball he is gone. I mean gone. There is no stopping him, unless you are an body of water, like an ocean,” said his coach. Green-Beckham recorded over 2,000 yards receiving on the catch running from Missouri’s Hoyt Shumate Stadium to Pike Place Market in Seattle Washington, crisscrossing 9 states in the process.

The highly touted football standout completed the trip in under 30-minutes and for a moment stopped the rotation of Earth and reversing space and time. “I remember throwing my popcorn in the air after he caught the ball, then next thing I knew I was sitting on the bleachers with a full popcorn bucket in my hand…what happened?” said Hillcrest football fan Will Pollian.

The touchdown put Hillcrest up 14-0 against Republic, and DBG returned to finish the game in after half time. Never before has a physical feat been attempted. Green-Beckahm even took time to visit the Seattle Seahawks while he was in the Pacific Northwest.

Accounting VP demands reports on his desk now

Springfield, MO – Employees at Jimmerson Accounting were deeply offended today when VP of Operations Lance Figpie came dressed as an Oakland Raiders fan. The office had declared today as “wear your team jersey day” to celebrate the opening of the NFL season. Figpie took the spirit day too far according to co-workers.

”Lance showed up at my desk and yelled at me. He said, ‘you better have that report on my desk or I’m gonna rip out your lungs and feed them to the piranha I keep in the men’s room, dirtbag!’ That is really uncalled for, I’ve never heard him yell like that before,” said Lori Trembles, a junior accountant with the firm who was wearing a Denver Broncos pullover.

Eyewitnesses reported unusual behavior from the man they had always respected and admired. Figpie was seen knocking over the water cooler, punching secretaries in the face and twice urinated on the fax machine. “Lance has really taken this whole ‘fun’ idea to wear jerseys to work to a new low level. He is a nightmare to be around while dressed as a Raiders fan,” said human resources manager Joan Yola who donned a Kansas City Chiefs jersey.

Before the morning staff meeting began Richard Newton, wearing a San Diego Chargers branded polo shirt, rushed out to the parking lot to find his SUV on fire next to a burning trail of gasoline that read “Chargers Suck!”

Jim Jimmerson, principal and owner of the firm brushed aside Figpie’s behavior as “being in the spirit of the NFL” and declined to address the boorish antics for fear of a nooige followed by a swirley administered by Figpie. Employees were comforted slightly with the knowledge that the Raiders will go 2-14 this season.

Priest Holmes autographs man's fantasy football trophy before induction into the MSHOF

Springfield, MO—Former NFL running back, Priest Holmes was swarmed by uber-fantasy football geeks on Sunday eager to meet the man who propelled them to fantasy victories. This past weekend, Holmes was inducted into the Missouri Sports Hall of Fame for his contributions to fantasy football players in Missouri.

Said one attendee, Norm Hamilton, “I had Priest on my team in 2003 when he was with the Chiefs and scored 27 touchdowns, an NFL record. Now I know that’s great and all but I know why the MO Sports Hall of Fame truly wanted him inducted; he helped my team, Rattlesnake Hotdog, win the Ozarks Fantasy Football League!”

Holmes was overwhelmed at the recognition ceremony by fantasy football players who sought to catch a glimpse of the fantasy player who helped them secure multiple wins during his several years in the National Football League.

Said Holmes, “I accomplished several great feats during my career, but none was more rewarding than propelling Team TightieWhities to their first fantasy football championship in 2004.”

The former player was also hailed by fantasy football owners who had high picks in 2006 for becoming injured and allowing them to pick up his back up Larry Johnson. “Man I had like the 11^th pick in a serpentine-style draft, I had no shot to pick up Priest, but when he went down I snapped up LJ off the waiver wire and won my league – thanks Priest!” said Manny Killeroue, a fan of statistical accumulation and glorified accounting.

As of press time, Priest Holmes is the only player to ever be inducted into a sporting hall of fame based on fantasy performance.

Carrie Underwood set to perform at half time of MSU bears game

Springfield, MO—Carrie Underwood prepared for her JQH Arena performance by warming up the crowd at Super Bowl by singing the national anthem. Tickets will go on sale Friday for her performance at JQH Arena June 15 during half time of a Bears exhibition game.

Management for Underwood stressed that she needed a “small quite venue to prepare for her upcoming show in the Ozarks” and decided to perform an old ditty during the big game.

Since her rise to fame during the fourth season of American Idol, Underwood has always aspired to perform in the Queen City after traveling through the Ozarks in 2004 en route to her audition in St. Louis, MO.

Several aged Missouri State University “Hair Bear” members plan to attend the concert dressed as members of “Carrie’s Care Bears” to support her live performance. Sorority members of the local Sigma Sigma Sigma chapter at MSU also intend to be there to support their “Miss from Muskogee”.

Missouri State Ice Bears also plan on welcoming Underwood as her fiancée, Mike Fisher of the Ottawa Senators, will be hosting a free hockey clinic at Springfield-Greene County’s Mediacom Ice Park.

Underwood said, “doing a quick warm up at the Super Bowl really prepared me for the stage at JQH arena. I’m glad that I get to do these prep gigs for the NFL and the Grammys so I can be at my best for my fans.”

Sales will begin at 10 a.m. through the JQH Arena Box Office, online at MissouriStateTix.com or charge by phone, 417-836-7678. Tickets prices are $55, $45 and $35.

Radio talk show host plans to purchase Rams and their conservative style of play

St. Louis, MO—Radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh says he is teaming up with St. Louis Blues owner Dave Checketts in a bid to buy the St. Louis Rams. If purchased, it is widely assumed that Limbaugh will institute a Gang of Eight football management style to leverage his experience of on-air offensive lines, piling on, being out of bounds and multiple personal fouls.

Springfield fan Gary Belcher said, “I guess that would compliment their conservative offense.” Limbaugh declined to immediately comment on the pending transaction, citing a confidentiality agreement with the Bank of Amigo, the financial firm hired by the family of late Rams owner Georgia Frontiere to review assets of her estate.

Rams quarterback Marc Bulger said, “[If Limbaugh becomes an owner] we’re obviously going to need to make our audibles more obnoxious.”

Limbaugh said the defensive linesmen will need to receive an “Addadicktomy” in order to perform up to his standards. He also hopes to avoid the drive-by sports media, clean up any illegal prescriptions, er procedures in the National Football League and looks forward to stamping “dittohead” on all players’ helmets (Limbaugh plans to rename the team to the St. Louis RINOs).

Head coach Steve Spagnuolo says under this ownership he would be forced to design a new hurry-up-and-be-offensive scheme and would require all “Fumblenazi’s” to be placed on immediate probation.

Limbaugh insists that his ownership would in no way interfere with his obsession with The Greatest Football Team in the History of Civilization, the Pittsburgh Steelers.