FCN goes backward in technology...who agreed to this again?

Springfield, MO—Local satire news publication Fair City News has regressed in technology going from online blog format to the printed press. The move was made 12 months ago and readers seem to have embraced the failure in tech-forward movement.

“I personally thought the move to print was great, I always need a worthless rag to swat flies with,” said Norman Donaldson of Nixa, “That FCN is printed on paper worse than my bulk purchased single-ply toilet paper, and the content is about as mindless as the backside that I clean it with.”

According to reports, Fair City News decided to publish a paper version to help revitalize the “dead tree press, because, in this economy, if anyone needs help it is the newspaper industry. God bless Steve Gutenberg and his printing press technology.”

Fair City News was founded in 2009 as a technically savvy weblog, connected to hip social media sites such as Twitter and Facebook and was recognized as a hot local blog full of promise. Now, in the “future” FCN is basically a pick-up and read by the crapper quick-fix.

Missouri State University Professor of Journalism, Hal Victor, said, “FCN was cute when it was a blog, now that it is a printed publication it makes a great homeless person’s blanket.”

One print edition reader, Haley Newsome said, “The press on screen is not as appealing as appealing as the print on the paper. I prefer to have the ink stain my fingers as I read the satire that drips into my mind.” The blog version of FCN can still be found at www.FairCityNews.com.

Fair City News management has revealed that the trend in reverse-technology has proved to be successful and plans to launch a FCN branded helium-filled zeppelin to report satire news in the near future, source a team of vagabonds to pass stories via the spoken word from generation to generation, implement fireside chats on the furniture-sized radios, deploy news releases via 8-track and vows to avoid run-on sentences…from time to time.

Local man makes articulate comment online

Springfield, MO – It was just a normal Tuesday for Steven Jones, a business owner and reader of newspapers from Ozark, Mo. But then a newspaper story about school budgets caught his eye, and he decided to post a comment online. This is when Jones’ life changed forever.

“This is the sort of scenario we plan for, but never truly expect will come to pass,” says Sharon Englewater, newspaper spokesperson. “Steven Jones, known as Jones417 on local message boards, spoke with such kindness and humility–all the while using correct grammar–that we at first thought his comment must have been spam.” Englewater notes a conspicuous absence of frequently commented words such as “communist socialist” or “liberal conspiracy” or “anything Glenn Beck has ever said” in Jones’ comment.

The newspaper’s content management system was so unaccustomed to such a post, in fact, that the entire website was shut down for two hours. ”Eventually we determined that Jones417 is a real person and his comment–though it contained no spelling errors and not one threat to his neighbors–was genuine,” Englewater reports. “We even tried our squiggliest random text spam filter, the kind that looks like it was written by a drunk toddler wearing a blindfold. And he passed.”

English teachers and librarians all over the region have started a Steven Jones fan club to celebrate his syntax and tact. Others are less impressed. “Yeah I don’t see what the big deal is about it,” begins a post penned by Jo Stephens, a frequent commenter on the site and self-proclaimed local whistleblower. “It’s obvious to anybody whose paying attention that this guy is some elite spy, sent down here by Obama to teach us how to talk and think and take away our guns.”

When contacted for comment, Jones replied, “I don’t quite understand what all the fuss is about. Had I known that simply stating my opinion would earn me this much attention, I might have kept my big mouth shut. Other levelheaded, reasonable commenters out there should take note.” Judging by the comment threads in the days since the incident, it’s clear they already have.

Zodiac icons designed by Aaron Thweatt

Martinez shows relief after laying herself off as director of economic development citing ecomonic pressures

Jefferson City, MO— Linda Martinez has been laid off as Missouri‘s economic development director after only eight months on the job. She decided to lay herself off due to economic pressures and in an effort to reduce overhead on the Show-Me State.

Martinez, the first woman to hold the position, told Governor Jay Nixon that Missouri’s economic situation was too strapped to afford her salary and that eliminating her position would be a great cost saving move for taxpayers. Nixon said a search for a permanent replacement will begin immediately and added he would prefer to hire a candidate willing to work for half the pay of the previous director’s salary. It may be that an intern is selected to take over the duties associated with reviving the states’ economic and financial health.

Nixon said in a statement. “Her efforts to create jobs and to give the department increased economic development tools was really an uphill battle. We’re in the worst economic slump since the Great Depression. After state advertising budgets were slashed, effectively stunting the growth of tourism, Martinez did what any good samurai would – fall upon her own sword. I wish her success in her return to private practice, I hope that she can find work soon with the assistance of the Missouri Career Center.”

Martinez is accepting resume help at this time and is asking friends and family members if they know of any states who are needing an economic development director because, “(she) can’t find that job title listed in the help wanted section of the newspaper, Monster or CareerBuilder.”

Missouri’s unemployment rate in August was a dizzying 9.3%. Missouri lost 3,300 jobs in local government that month “three thousand three hundred and one,” said Martinez.