Salt truck loading up white gold

Springfield, MO – As local temperatures begin an anticipated 70 degree swing towards the positive over the next few days, Springfield City Council is planning on generating some revenues in a most unusual way….they’ll be selling off all of the surplus salt they’ve accumulated for this storm to local Chinese restaurants.

“I don’t know about you, but the Springfield Cashew Chicken Special #7 has been lacking a certain something as of late,” said Councilwoman Imogene Pearle at last nights meeting at City Hall, “and that something is Mono Sodium Glutamate, or, as I like to call it, the Salty Goodness”.

The health concerns or, quite honestly, the legality of the whole plan has been called into question by more than one concerned citizen, but this doesn’t seem to concern Councilwoman Pearle or any other council members.

“LOOK! We’re Ozarkers, and we’re resourceful! Plus we’re not too worried about silly issues like potential health concerns…that’s just big-city talk, perpetrated by, most likely, displaced Californians. We ain’t bending on our right to smoke in restaurants, so I can’t see why anyone would want to put up obstacles to more salt in our fried chicken in gravy with nuts and onions on top. It’s high time we take some initiative, and this salt sure as hell isn’t making us any money just sitting there in domes. Show me the down side!” she demanded, getting ever more agitated at being called into question over her initiative. “Dammit, all this talk is making me hungry. Let’s head to Mr. Fangs before I pass out from all this poppycock!”

We were unable to get a comment from the local Chinese Restaurant community, which seemed completely unaware that there was a problem with any of their fine cuisine.

City council approves loan to redevelop historic hot dog stand

Springfield MO- With some reservations about the plan, Springfield city council voted unanimously for a loan for the redevelopment plan for Calumet City, an abandoned Hot Dog Stand located in downtown Springfield behind the main post office.  The developer, Ken McCow has already received a $3 million dollar loan from the Missouri Development Board as well as a $50 million dollar loan from the federal Department of Housing and Urban Development.

Despite this financing McCow found himself $47.18 short to continue with the project.  Since the city council came through with the loan McCow promised to complete the the project on time and on budget.  “Without council’s backing on this, I don’t know what I would have done,” he stated.

Springfield Mayor Jim O’Neil said special tax districts will be created to help fund the loan.  “I know some people would prefer tax money not be used on this, we felt we had no choice because without the $47.18 the whole thing would shut down.  This is needed to boost the downtown and help the economy in general. The city cannot leave that building empty.  If this wasn’t going to happen we were going to have to tear it down thus losing a part of Springfield history.

FCN has learned that the city will pay half the amount of the loan which is $23.59 when the project is half way completed.  The remaining $23.59 will be paid when the project shows a 75% completion rate.  “This will make sure the developer follows through with renovation and won’t bail on us,” stated O’Neil.

According to McCow the old hot dog stand will now be home to a Kansas City Hereford Steak House, a professional roller derby ring, several upscale specialty shops and either another Ziggy’s or Braums Ice Cream location.  The roof will feature “green technology” and have a swimming pool and several hiking and biking trails.

Kathy Casher, a local banker called councils actions “creative and innovative”.  “This is not only a good investment for downtown, this is a guaranteed and secure loan for me.  I just wish council would find more of these old buildings to invest in,” she commented.

McCow had nothing but good things to say on how easy it was to get the paperwork done with the city.  “I couldn’t believe how simple it was.  I just pulled up to the front door and walked in.  In less than 10 minutes it was done and I left with cash in my pocket.  The best part was I got to keep my car!”

Sonny Pomade dreams of not renovating Heer's

Springfield, MO—Local maverick businessman, Sonny Pomade, showed up at Monday night’s Springfield City Council meeting and offered to not develop the controversial Heer’s Building for a mere fifty dollars.

“I just felt it was my duty to take the burden of not moving forward with the renovation on my own shoulders,” Pomade commented, as he sipped on decaf at a sidewalk table in front of The Coffee Ethic, shaded by the afternoon shadow of the iconic monolith.

“The City Council is going to fork over two million beans to some guy who claims he will bring the building back to its glory days, with restaurants, offices, a fortune teller’s tent, and a ground-level go-cart track, if I’m not mistaken. Get outta here! What if he doesn’t get it done? Can the people of Springfield take another Heer’s letdown? I’m thinking no!”

Pomade stated that he needed the token sum of fifty dollars as a down payment to a representative of a local informal “loan agency” and that the $1,999,950 saved could be used to build a dog track or something the people of Springfield could really get behind.

“In this economy it doesn’t make any sense to spend huge sums of money on projects that aren’t absolutely necessary, or, for that matter, never materialize,” Pomade added. “Besides, people often underestimate the importance of having something to gripe about. Without it some folks might cease to exist. In my opinion my proposal is sound all around. Cheap, too!”

Sunshine street has ironic waker last week

Springfield, MO—Local man, Jerry Wades, was recently seen walking on Sunshine this week. Reports suggest that he wasn’t fully aware of his situation or the irony of his chosen mode of transportation.

According to his good friend, Nora Billows, Wades had just received word that he was to receive a promotion at work and was walking from his apartment complex on Sunshine street to McAlister’s Deli to celebrate.

“We were already at the parking lot outside the restaurant waiting for Jerry when we saw him approach from the East. He was humming and had a bounce in his step,” said Billows, “it was really funny, we all started singing the song.”

When Wades arrived, he was peppered with questions regarding his pedestrian jaunt with questions such as, “Don’t it feel good?”,  “Do you feel the love that’s really there”, and “Don’t you want me back for the weekend?”.  To which he replied “whoooah!”.

The story has spread to his entire apartment complex. If neighbors see him walking anywhere they serenade him with the popular pop song. Billows says that Wades confided in her and said he has to watch where he goes and at what time of day to avoid the pestering. “He actually said, I swear ‘Now every time I go for the mailbox, gotta hold myself down’. Are you kidding me?” said Billows.

In a related note, 2010 is the 25th anniversary of the release of “Walking On Sunshine” made famous by Katrina and the Waves. Billows plans to purchase the back-catalogue re-releases and a re-recorded version of the track for Wades for his upcoming birthday.

There's three of these dollar bills coming to the City if they want it

Springfield, MO – Floyd Harvill is making the City of Springfield an offer that he claims would be “irresponsible to refuse.” With the City recently taking back the much-hyped vacant lot after negotiations with local hotelier Johnny Q. Hammons failed, Harvill thought it was a good time to act.

“Fortune favors the bold, and lightning only strikes twice, so I thought I’d better act,” he told FCN after agreeing to meet at his office – which turned out to be a converted shopping cart behind a local liquor store. “When I found out that the City bought the land back for $1, I quickly headed to City Hall and offered them THREE TIMES THAT AMOUNT for the property. They’d be fools to ignore my offer, especially in this economy.”

It did not faze Mr. Harvill in the least when he found out that the property had originally been sold to Mr. Hammons for something in the area of $7 millions dollars. “That was then, this is now. If the City continues to behave irresponsibly in terms of their fiduciary duties, I’ll have no choice but to report them to the SEC. My original offer of $3 stands until next week, when I plan to use that money to buy some Lotto tickets.”

Heer's "too big to fail"

Springfield, MO – In what might be viewed as a controversial move by local citizens, Springfield City Council has determined that the Heer‘s building is “too big to fail” and plans to inject cash into the project immediately and for the foreseeable future.

“What many so-called “common people” don’t seem to get is just how significant this architectural gem is to the landscape and economy of downtown Springfield” Zone 17 councilman Scott Jones is quoted as saying, “since the dawn of Springfield itself, this building has been fundamental to the growth of the Queen City. I can say with reasonable certainty that the city charter as we know it was conceived and put to paper on the third floor, right near the escalators.” When asked about the future of the skeletal hulk of a building, Jones demurred, saying that “none of us know the future, and if I did, I’d be a lot richer now, wouldn’t I?”
Although the move to prop up the failing structure has absolutely no support within the community outside of 97 local pigeons calling it “home”, Mr. Jones cited an unusual source of concern: Heer’s employees. “What about them? There’s been no bonuses for the little guy working at the lunch counter, nothing for the poor lady working in Women’s Intimates. Who’s going to speak up for them? We are. Springfield will. That’s who.”

Although there have been no employees of the Heer’s Company in over a decade, this in no way seemed to impact the passion with which Mr. Jones conveyed the sentiments of the city. “We will spend whatever it takes, for however long it takes, to ensure that the Heers Building is never in any way compromised. I think the plywood in the windows demonstrates our level of commitment to the citizens, and to the Heer’s Corporation, and most importantly, to the checkout guy in aisle three”.

Ozarks champion fighter issues a cage match challenge to other Springfield Mayors

Springfield, MO—In light of the recent economic downturn that the entire nation is enduring, Springfield Mayor Jim O’Neal has come up with a unique way to boost both the morale and coffers of the Queen City.

In a bold and unprecedented departure from “politics as usual” Mayor O’Neal has publicly called out the mayors of all 35 cities in the United States bearing the name Springfield, and is challenging them to a cage match to determine which Springfield is supreme.

“Yes, it is true that I’ve sent letters to the mayors of all Springfields in this great nation in an attempt to clarify, once and for all, which city can lay claim to being “America’s Springfield” the Mayor said when asked for comment, “and believe you me, I have no intention of letting down my Ozarkians by losing the cage match.”

When pressed for details about what the rules concerning the cage match involved, O’Neal refused to nail down specifics, only stating that if one watches “‘Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome‘….they’ll get the general idea.” When pressed further, he said “35 men enter, one man leaves!” and then pounded the podium with what looked to be some sort of blunt striking weapon. “I have the full support of the city council on this, and I intend to be crowned champion!”

It seems to be the hope of His Honor that such a match will have a serious and positive economic impact on local businesses; he said he is still finalizing plans to hold the showdown on the roof of long-abandoned department store Heers, thereby providing the first use of the building in nearly two decades. “In the days of Caesar, the gladiatorial matches were held to uplift the spirits of the common man as Rome was falling. I, Jim O’Neal, will be that gladiator for my beloved Springfield, and I will bring honor and glory back to the land of cashew chicken! You have my word!”

When the mayors of the other Springfields were asked about their invitation to a no-holds barred grudge match, none of them seemed to have heard of the audacious challenge. The most information provided came from Springfield, Georgia, Mayor Scott Jones who, after being told of the cage match, offered this statement: “I don’t know who this Jim O’Whats-His-Name thinks he is, but by God, I’ll take a road trip up there to whip his Yankee ass if he thinks he can talk smack about our beloved city.” When informed that Missouri is actually considered a “border state”, Mayor Jones quickly lost interest and ended the conversation.

As plans for this event, which promises to be a spectacle of the highest order, become available or even grounded in reality, you can check back here for details.

Kai-Lan/Dora confusion brings shoppers to a stand still

Springfield, MO—Local grandmother Ellen Younger frustrated last minute shoppers as she blocked an isle at the Walmart Independence location trying to decipher if the toy she was holding was Dora or Kai-Lan.

“Now this must be Dora,” she said holding a Kai-Lan doll. Her shopping partner Nola Rigsby concurred, then retracted her judgment saying, “well, yes that’s Dora. No, I don’t know who that is.”

Stooping over her cart, Younger moved forward two inches, picked up another Kai-Lan doll and said, “oh here’s Dora.” “Well yes, that’s no that’s not her either” said Rigsby frowning.

Shoppers trying to pass down the isle blocked by Younger and Rigsby painfully listened to the tedious conversation unsure whether or not to speak up and direct the clueless duo to the Dora section or allow them to figure it out themselves.

“For the love of licensed characters, just pick one,” said Drew Tillsdim under his breath. Tillsdim’s wife promptly gave him an elbow to mind his manners. Tillsdim said he could swiftly and quickly end Younger and Rigsby’s confusion by trampling them both with his shopping cart, which earned him another mindful elbow from his wife.

After several minutes of picking up Kai-Lan dolls, Younger finally selected a Dora doll and Rigsby identified it as “another one of those Kay-lane thingys” at which point Tillsdim violently shook his shopping cart from side to side in agony.