Number one in hearts, minds and meth mouths

Springfield, MO – It is our privilege to announce that the state of Missouri is first among the Union. Yes, the Show Me state is now the number one state in the continental and non-continental states to lead the nation! It doesn’t really matter what we’re doing to lead the pack, we should revel in the fact that we are numero uno.

State spokesman Yanley Homerton said, “Yes, it is true, Missouri is leading the nation in one area, and that area is one place that no other state can touch, we are leading the nation in,” before he was cut off by a political spinster Kyle Preston. Preston interjected, “Missouri is a unique territory with a long and storied past. The traditions and economic model are symbolic of the resolve of its people. Every Missourian should be proud to be number one in the nation, and number one in our hearts.”

When asked to specify exactly what he was referring to, Preston said, “you know, being number one”.  According to surveys among other states, no sense of jealousy or remorse is being reported. The state of Ohio has responded by saying, “I’m glad I’m not leading the nation in busts of…” Preston interrupted by saying “Whoaa, there Ohio. You’re not leading the nation in anything but buckeye production. You can take that to the buckeye plant….or tree,” effectively spinning a potentially negative into a positive.

Police face-palmed by handiwork

Springfield, MO – It was reported recently that Springfield City Police had disarmed a man near the train tracks on N. Kansas Expressway, in what was believed to be a stand-off.  However, in a drastic and dyslexic turn of events, it was found that the man had actually been disarmed by the train itself according to the Springfield Police Department.

A 29 year-old man from Libby, Montana had apparently committed suicide days ago by throwing himself in front of a train. His arm had been severed in the impact and then carried by the train all the way to Springfield, where it was discovered by BNSF employees.  They found the arm around 1pm and immediately called the police, only after exhausting all jokes involving “extra hands”, “hands across America”, and the movie “The Fugitive”.  We caught up with one of those workers for a brief interview.

“It’s not every day that you find an arm on the ground. We just had to take advantage of the comedic opportunity while we could. Of course, we did the right thing in the end by reporting it to the police.  After all, Springfield has the most honest and trustworthy BNSF staff in the country, hands down!  …sorry about that last one, I couldn’t help myself,” said BNSF employee Anita Nutter-Army.

The Police Department followed up with an off-hand statement.  “It’s always tragic when someone chooses to take their life. However, we were pleased to find out this man’s identity after a quick hand-off to the Greene-County Medical Examiner’s office.”

Locals are itching to get inside of Hy-Vee

Springfield, MO – Thousands of Ozarkians have been infected with a disease commonly known as “Poison Hy-Vee”, a mild form of curiosity preceded by high amounts of anticipation and feverishly high expectations.
“Oh, man, I can’t wait to go to the new Hy-Vee store on Battlefield Street,” said Norma Jillonsap as she scratched her forearms while shaking her hands and leg, “I just can’t wait! I heard they have an awesome pizza and even an area where you smell aromas that instantly cease any hunger pangs.”

Hundreds of people crowded the sidewalk hours before the new Hy-Vee store opened its doors, eagerly waiting to cure their case of curiosity. “I’ve had Poison Hy-Vee since they broke ground. I used to go to Hy-Vee up north and I’ve missed the chain that I grew up with,” said Matt Lippard who upon entering the store stared at the aisles in fond remembrance, gently griping his grocery cart handle as drool ran down his chin.

Doctors recommend visiting the store if you exhibit any symptoms of “Poison Hy-Vee” to sooth and treat the discomfort. “Poison Hy-Vee or dermatitis – hy-veeticus is a commonly spread inflammation resulting from direct or indirect contact with others who are infected with anticipation. The rash usually will appear 24-48 hours after hearing the wonderful grocery stories. The only known cure is to actually visit the store, and allow its healing powers wash away the irritation,” said Doctor Yuli Mangrove.

“I got covered with it and had to go to Hy-Vee to scratch the itch! Now I’m cured, but I have the scars of a wonderful shopping experience to carry with me all of my life,” said Lippard.

Springfield, MO—Among the recent onslaught of annoying petitioners in downtown Springfield, a new petition has begun circulation to increase the amount of petitions. Zebediah Kennard, local artist and self-proclaimed downtowner, remarked, “I’m really glad this new one came along, for a while there it seemed like all the petitions were about to dry up!”

Recently Springfield citizens, those who work and play downtown specifically, have been subjected to a multitude of awkward confrontations from strangers asking for names and addresses to put on their petitions for often murky subject matter.  “I signed one a couple weeks ago about some dogs or something, I didn’t have time to read the whole thing”, said Mike Dawson, who is not a registered voter anywhere.  “I mean, I had a dog when I was growing up.  I like dogs, so it seemed like the noble thing to do.”

This month, however, the petitioners have slowed their pace.  Perhaps they’ve moved to new territories, or collected all the signatures necessary.  “When I’m out, I just can’t be bothered enough”, said Dawson, “I like giving money to dudes who need just a little extra change to get bus fare to their new jobs, but sometimes that’s not enough.  Signing those petitions made me feel like I was doing something responsible and active in my community.  I signed the same one probably six times last month.  I really hope they get done whatever they’re trying to get done.”

Until now, one could only hope that with the weather warming up and foot traffic increasing daily, that more annoying petitions would arise.  But a local group has taken the matter into their own hands, with the petition for more petitions. “People don’t just want to go out and do what they came to do.  They want to be stopped, hassled, and solicited for their autographs”,noted  an anonymous spokesperson for the group.  “They get to feel like rock stars and sports heroes, with their signatures being so valuable.”

“I’m just glad there are going to be more petitions to sign”, said Charlie McBride, “those people seem authentically caring and passionate about what they do.”  One petitioner, when stopped for interviewing said, “I don’t really know what this thing is about, I haven’t read it yet.  They said I’d get $7.25 an hour if I got people to sign this thing.  Now that tax season is over, my job as the waving statue of liberty outside Liberty Tax Service was phased out…Oh, dude!  Are you a registered voter in Greene County?”

8 tons of upset brackets have been shredded to date

Springfield, MO—According to reports, 9 out of 10 Ozarkers have a NCAA men’s basketball bracket that was rendered totally useless over the past weekend. Before scrapping the physical evidence of personal guessing stupidity, consider alternate uses for the “page of shame”.

Locals have begun to ban together to add their brackets to the recycling center. “I felt so conflicted when Northern Iowa beat KU. I mean, yeah it is great that a Missouri Valley team won, but my bracket was officially waste paper. So I decided to recycle it with these other losers,” said Norman Gibbons, of Nixa, MO.

More creative options for brackets with more X’s than checkmarks include folding it into a paper airplane and throwing it for distance amongst office workers to determine the “Champion of Real Awful Picks” or King of “C.R.A.P.”, burning the offending page in an offering to the NCAA gods, or simply making a nice paper hat.

Louis Freedman gambled a large portion of his monthly paycheck on the tournament this year and upon losing 10 of his final Sweet Sixteen teams effectively used his losing bracket to inflict enough paper cuts on his wrists to achieve death and avoid paying his debts.

Another more fulfilling option for using a blasted bracket includes rolling it into a pipe shape, them spitting projectiles at the one lady in the office who took Saint Mary’s over Villanova, Cornell over Wisconsin and Ohio over Georgetown because she liked the winning team’s jersey colors.

The City is offering up another solution: shredding it for a ticker tape parade for the Missouri State Lady Bears ensuing victory in the National Invitational Tournament.

700 Person Melee Nets One Arrest

Springfield, MO—It took nearly 50 police officers to settle a brawl involving hundreds of people in downtown Springfield this past weekend leading to one arrest and one pissed police chief.

According to the Springfield Police Department the incident began at about 12:45 a.m. with a fight among a large group of people inside Remmingtons Downtown. Security pushed the instigators outside where the brawl eventually became a series of smaller fights among 600 to 700 people.

“I would say I assaulted about 12-15 people with my boot-to-the-face hop-kick,” said an elusive woman identified only as “Kiss-andrea”. The fisticuffs eventually shut down a segment of Campbell Avenue where officers formed a blockade line to help control the crowd.

There were no significant injuries. There was only one arrest of a person with a gun.
“One arrest. Seriously? That’s it? You go back out there and find some perps!” said Springfield Police Chief, “go get that Kuss-andra woman for crying out loud!” he continued.

It took about 45 minutes to clear the crowd; there were 40 Springfield officers at the scene and up to 10 Greene County officers. And one arrest.

Recap: 700 street fighters, more than 50 officers, 45 minutes of fighting, one street closure and one arrest. One arrest.

The two victims have been advised to receive anti-burn treatment needed to prevent scarring, Springfield-Greene County Health Department assistant director Clay Goddard said.

People who find fire on the ground during daylight or evening in particular should leave it alone, Goddard said.

“If it’s on the ground, it might not be raging, but it is hot,” he said.

While the two people currently show no signs of fever, laboratory tests confirmed the fire they handled was hot, he said.

“It was soo purdy, just glistening like an angel, well we just had to try to pick it up and take it with us. But when we tried, it bit us like a snake! Then I cried,” said one of the victims.

Burns are caused by extreme heat from a fire made via a chemical reaction between oxygen in the atmosphere and some sort of fuel (wood or gasoline) that has been heated to its ignition temperature coming into contact with skin.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report that tens of thousands of people are successfully treated each year after being burned by a flame that may be hot, and it adds that a few people die every year because they don’t seek treatment. Burns are 100% preventable, especially if you restrain from picking it up and taking it with you.