Spy moms form crack team of robbers

Los Springvas, MO- A local woman pulled of the heist of a lifetime when she stole thousands of dollars from a local PTA and Girl Scout Troop 70472. The heist took months of planning and could have not been pulled off with her crack team of thieves that the media as deemed “Jordan’s 11.”

“You want to rob a organization whose sole purpose is to help children,” asked Jordan’s partner in crime, Rana Ryan in a seedy bar. According to eye witnesses Jordan simply shook her head and put up two fingers. “You want to rob two organizations whose sole purpose is to help children,” Rana asked in disbelief.  Jordan and Rana then formed a crack team to break into the Girl Scout’s vault.

Techie mom blogger Katie Capstone, super flexible yoga enthusiast Carmen Maxwell, quick handed Megan Tombs, SUV driving extraordinaire Tammy Karter, and various others. The whole operation was funded by Cynthia St. James, a wealthy woman who made her millions selling Avon and has hated Girl Scouts ever since they became the champion of door to door sales.

Once the team was created, the plan was set. Although details are sketchy, police reports tell of numerous cons, fake noses, pick pocketing, breaks to call the baby-sitter to make sure she was doing ok, innocent flirtations for distractions- don’t tell Ron, explosives made out of house hold cleaners, and finally the missing money.

Missy Surgarsmile, the 11-year-old, self-appointed leader of the scouts, as well as, queen bee and mean girl has this to say to the thieves: “Run and hide b*****s. Run and hide. If you should be picked up tomorrow buying a 500 dollar flat wear set, I am going to be disappointed. Because I want my girls to find you (because they just got their tracker merit badge), and when they do, we are going to hurt you. Then hurt you s’more. So my advice is this: run and hide b*****s.”

Police were able to capture Jordan, the ring leader of the thieves before the scouts. But not before the girl scouts sent her half-eaten thin mints wrapped in a blood red sash – a sign that her time is up. “You don’t mess with an organization and walk away from it,” stated Officer Ben Saunders. “We are going to put her in the witness protection program…like that will do any good. She might as well throw herself into the campfire now.”

These guys approve!

Springfield, MO – Patients gathered in waiting rooms across Springfield may be surprised to find out they’re participating in an on-going experiment to measure the short-term effects of watching Fox News Channel. The study requires patients to sit in a waiting room for at least 20 minutes while being exposed to Fox News.  When the patient is called, blood pressure readings are immediately taken along with other stress related vital statistics. The patient is then required to wait in the exam room for another 5-10 minutes, for the effects to abate, before the doctor sees them.

“When we were told by the American Medical Association that we could show non-stop Fox News in our waiting rooms, we jumped at the opportunity…to be a part of this study,” said a doctor at Ferrell-Duncan Clinic. “After all, it is our duty to advance medical science any time we have the opportunity.”

This particular study has been running for more than ten years now and experts believe that it could continue far into the future to explore more long-term effects as well.  Although some doctors have opted not to participate, the vast majority of the Springfield medical community has volunteered, including primary doctors, dentists, and podiatrists. Other businesses have shown interest in participating as well, including local banks and Wal-marts.

“Our goal is to exploit any waiting areas with a captive audience,” said a local AMA representative.  “We firmly believe that by exposing more people to Fox News Channel we will ultimately benefit ourselves…the science I mean.”

Cameraman captures aspriing reality tv star criminal

Springfield, MO—Witnesses claim that camera crews for the television show COPS was in town this past week riding with local law enforcement giving local peeps the opportunity to claim their own fame.

According to police radio reports, at least six people had claimed that their “refrigerator was running”, 23 claims said folks were making meth with a permit and 83% of complaints were about white collar crime that no one had an interest in.

A producer of COPS said, “Bad boys, bad boys. What are you going to do? What are you going to do when we come for you?” Then he wept quietly and asked God to take his sullen life quickly before he had to recite those tired, tired lines again.

Fortunately for the COPS crew one major case broke while the team was in town: a throwed roll was imbedded into a patron’s chest at Lambert’s Café in Ozark. When crews and police arrived, most folks weren’t aware of the physical impairment and continued to eat Ol’ Norm’s passarounds.

It wasn’t until the guest had dislodged the dinner roll from his chest, tossed it back towards the original propeller that the issue was recognized as urgent. “ Yes I tossed a roll to the man in booth 316 but I did not expect the roll to impact his chest cavity, nor did I anticipate the victim would retaliate by throwing the roll back at me,” said Shawn Matthews who was tackled in the dark while wearing a white wife-beater tank top in the back yard of some stranger.

These cute puppies could have been sent by aliens.

By G. Etaclue

Springfield is experiencing record numbers of unwanted pets with speculation they are being dropped on the city by aliens.

“Animals are running at large everywhere” said an animal control officer who spoke off the record fearing alien retaliation. “Last week we had 50 complaints about packs of strays stealing hot dogs from Sonic drive-thrus then pooping in newly-planted flower beds.  Sure Sonic’s summer weenies are extra tasty, but we have a problem.”

A city official, who also chose to remain anonymouse commented, “There are more @**# spay and nooter programs and shelter thingies than there are dandelions and yet we got animals comin out of our ears.  An extraterrestrial force is involved—like ET—except real mean—none of that heart-light *#@*.”

The Southwest Missouri Humane Society,  despite its new facility and aggressive sterilization program, is beyond capacity and has been forced to make appointments with people rather than allowing them to simply drop off their garb—their animals.

“It’s got to be aliens,” said a Shelter observer.  “Who else but creepy creatures from outer space would make millions of things people don’t want and sprinkle them everywhere—like pepper.  Yuck.

Not everyone is convinced of the alien theory, however.  Some leftist extremists suggest there may be a correlation between birth rates and the surplus.  “Missouri is the number one puppy producer in the United States,” says Mary Aaron, of God For Animals. “That fact means we’re making too many dogs and it reflects a philosophy that conceptualizes dogs as semi-inanimate, disposable, designer objects.”

Missouri legislator Setin Hizwaze began to respond to Aaron’s emotion-laden, liberal gibberish but suddenly left the interview when his skin began to take on a slightly greenish hue.

Donkey vomiting usually occurs at this point on the 1800’s coaster

Springfield, MO- Silver Dollar city revealed it’s new roller coaster “Guiteau’s Bullet” to the crowd of park patrons yesterday. The roller coaster, which reaches speeds of 8 miles per hour, was created and operated by technology only around the 1880’s.

“We decided to put our silver coins where our chops is. We always boast about a genuine old time experience, but we don’t do it. We have toilets instead of outhouses (a mistake we will fix next year), we use money instead of beaver pelts, and no malaria instead of everywhere malaria. But, the worst is our rides that use technology from as recent as last year, that is no way to run an amusement park,” states a spokesman for the park.

The rollercoaster will begin as two donkeys tow the coaster up to a 100 foot drop. At that time the donkeys will be put in the back to cars of the coaster. The coaster will then drop 100 feet and treat the guests to several curves causing many screams and donkey vomit. After that a team of under paid Irish immigrants will pull the coaster up another steep hill. After that the ride stops and a worker tells everyone to close their eyes and pretend the roller coaster is going upside down twice and does a barrel roll. Finally the donkeys get out of the back cars and pull the cart to the finish.

“Man that ride is so sad,” said park attendee Stanley Goalwater. “I couldn’t enjoy it at all. Have you ever heard a donkey scream? Not good. Not good at all.”

“Of course the ride sucks, states park PR rep John Randalls. “It is a tribute to the 1800’s. The 1800’s suck. That is why we got out of there to the 1900’s and so on.

Man still stuck in Rock'n Ribs parking lot

Springfield, MO—Local man, Charlie Swangar, is still attempting to leave the 12^th Annual Rock’n Ribs BBQ Festival presented by the Rotary Clubs of Springfield. According to reports, Swanger entered the Bass Pro parking lot on Saturday April 16^th and has been attempting to navigate his way out of the traffic for several days.

“The parking was amazingly crowded. The Boy Scouts were doing all they could to handle all of the excessive traffic, but I think they began practicing the bowline knot with drivers who were parking their cars,” said one observer who was enjoying delicious and mouthwatering ribs that benefitted 6 local charities.

When approached for comment on foot, Swangar said, “Luckily I stuck some ribs into my pants pockets before I left, oh and a turkey leg in my shirt pocket, so I’ve been slowly eating to quench my hunger over the past 72 hours as I’ve been inching my way out of this parking lot of hell.”

Traffic experts expect Swangar to exit the Bass Pro Shop Outdoor World north parking lot sometime in the next few days. “It was a terrific event and the attendance was, well still is fantastic. Friday was a bit slow but Saturday we attracted a lot of people and apparently have kept their attention for some time now,” said a member of the committee who refused to provide their name, as they would be subject to indescribable humiliation at the next Rotary Club meeting.

Saggy old men will be restricted from butthole -stamping under the new regulations

Springfield, MO—Located on the South side of town, the Pat Jones Family YMCA has instituted a 10-minute maximum of naked time in the men’s locker room to improve hygiene, reduce awkward naked conversations, prevent unsightly surprise sightings of ancient arse complemented with a side of gray-haired wrinkle sacks and limit butthole-stamping on locker room equipment.

The new rule will require all men to wrap themselves with a towel in main traffic areas and show some signs of modesty and decorum within ten minutes of being naked. Said one patron, Jim Bysept, ”the Y’s locker room is the only place where it is acceptable for a naked old man to approach you and start a conversation. That doesn’t mean it is acceptable to sit naked on the furniture leaving an imprint of your chocolate starfish.”

While the new code was initiated to prevent naked butthole-stamping of the locker room benches it has also paved the way to limit naked 75-year-old men from wandering around the room flopping their manhood while singing “Dust In the Wind”.

The YMCA confirmed that most of the affected patrons are 55 plus years in age and are habitual birthday suit abusers. While not against basic nudity in a locker room setting, the Y reports fielding several member complaints requesting that the hordes of really old dudes with old flopping balls be culled.

Butthole-stamping has reportedly decreased 76% since the new regulations have gone into place last week. However, awkward naked conversations and unsightly ball flopping is still being reported.

A smiley face occupies a student's canvas for thesis

Springfield, MO – A local Missouri State University graduate student has been trying to complete his Master’s thesis for years now, and the end is not in sight. Dean Crayley has been a student at MSU for 20 years, 16 of which have been spent in pursuit of his graduate thesis.

“I have the whole thing written in my head,” says Crayley, “including footnotes. It’s on the long-term toxic effects of the petroleum industry on the flora and fauna of Missouri and, more specifically, the effects of plastic waste on the environment and ecology of the Springfield area. So the problem is not the message.”

The problem is the medium he has chosen.

Crayley, 38, says he wants to write his entire thesis using thousands of disposable plastic cups stuck into the chain-link fencing that comprises the walls of the walking bridge over Campbell Street.

The logistical difficulties involved in such a plan are enormous.

“I was actually midway through my thesis last October,” recounts Crayley. “I bought a case of 10,000 plastic cups, and I had spelled out the equivalent of about fifty double-spaced pages. I even had a few graphs. People were driving by and stopping to read what I’d written, and some were honking to show their support. But around midnight I ran out of cups, so I ran down to borrow some more from Steak ‘n Shake. And when I got back up there, somebody had pulled out all my cups and put up a new message that said, ‘Happy b-day #13 Butthead Love Angel.’ I was devastated.”

Crayley says he is toying with the idea of using epoxy to increase the permanence of his cup thesis. He’s also trying to get backing from the Solo Cup Company, which has a plant in Springfield. “So far they’ll only agree to do it if I do an 8-foot-high Solo logo on the bridge. But that wouldn’t leave enough room for the bibliography.”

"Genie" escapes from prison bottle; trims shrubs on way out

Branson, MO—Oscar Eugene Richardson, known in the Ozarks as Eugene Ward, was sentenced Monday to 366 days in jail stemming from his 1979 Florida prison escape. On Tuesday, he promptly escaped by walking away from the Taney County jail.

Norman Hankey, a jailer, said, “I don’t know how he does it. First in Florida; now here in Branson, MO. The man can’t be contained by conventional prison systems.” Richardson/Ward, who works as a handyman and groundskeeper, had reportedly fixed a broken toilet and trimmed up some exterior hedges as he left the incarceration facility.

“I sure didn’t fix that commode or trim the shrubbery,” said Hankey. Over the past 30 years Richardson lead a new “absolutely pristine, spotless life in that time,” said his attorney. “A pristine lifetime that was too good to waste spending time behind bars I suspect,” said Tom Beck, Richardson’s brief cellmate.

A close friend, Roy Umber said, “Eugene was always looking to the next lawn to mow, the next door jam to fix. I’m not surprised he walked away from prison again. You can’t keep a good man down and you can’t keep Genie in the bottle or from exterior lawn care, even if you try to lock him up.”

Hankey confessed, “alls I know is he did a really nice job on the evergreens we had planted out front. He really is too talented to be locked up.”

Officials plan a cockfight exhibition at tonight's meeting

Springfield, MO—The city’s planning department is considering creation of an ordinance allowing Springfield residents to keep fighting roosters to boost the economy. Backyard gamecock ownership is a worldwide trend that the City plans to capitalize upon.  Citizens are invited to attend the American Gamefowl Society meeting to gather public comment on raising cocks tonight at 6pm in the auditorium of the City Utilities Training Center.

Local economist Hugh Kiffler said, “While cockfighting is considered a heinous blood sport by animal welfare and animal rights activists, due in some part to the physical trauma the cocks inflict on each other, advocates of the sport believe local economies could be boosted by the new revenue streams associated with gambling and gamecock farming.”

Researchers have concluded that a few gamecocks wouldn’t be much different from someone keeping the maximum of four pit bulls or flea-bitten cats per meth household. Cockpit rings will have requirements on materials used for rings and the structure’s design.

“I plan to show my support for the cockamamie idea by wearing spurs to the meeting tonight,” said a large anthropomorphized adult rooster with a strong “good ol’ boy” Kentucky accent “That’s a joke… I say, that’s a joke, son.”

The proposal would require people who want to keep gamecocks to make a low-cost application to the city. In related less boring news, the City is also considering an ordinance allowing chicken farming for city dwellers.