New monster strolls into the lake

Lake of the Ozarks- With warmer weather and freedom from school beckoning teenagers to engage in dangerous and promiscuous activities, Lake of the Ozarks is promising a summer free from teenage slaughter. The Tourism Board is offering various activities such as: SeaDo rentals, nature hikes, and not being stabbed or eaten by anything. Many are skeptical that the Board can deliver what it promised.

“I know we had a rough go of things,” states PR rep Jason Voorton. “Last year it was the sharks that somehow got in the lake, who then fed on skinny-dipping teenage flesh; the year before that it was the shipment of piranhas that escaped and ate all those cheerleading camp participants; the previous before that was the psycho killer who focused on girls who recently lost their virginity.”

The rep then started talking about other failures of teenage safety dating back to the 1960’s: alligator attacks, crocodile feeding frenzies, grizzly bear maulings, and all sorts of giant bugs.

“I wish things were simpler,” said senior Megan Saunders, as she did a keg stand while skinny-dipping. “My great-great-grandma said in the 50’s everyone would just dance, drink Kool-Aid, and have a good time. Then she said ‘57 hit and the innocence was lost when the first Lake monster abductions started happening.”

Many teenagers are not afraid of the grave danger that lake life affords.

“Oh, I am sure that was nothing baby,” scoffed quarter back Ted Dawson to his girlfriend in his cherry red convertible parked by the lake. He then continued to comment, “It was just the wind, let’s keep making out. That’s it. WHAT!!! NO PLEASE. AHHHH!” Ted Dawson’s carcass was later found floating faceless in the ink black lake by two old, grizzled, fishermen.

“Oh sure, we are going to lose a couple kids every year to a lake ghost or giant snake. But, it isn’t a massacre until we lose 8. We all deserver a couple mulligans,” Jason said while fishing out Ted’s mutilated body with a large stick.

The powers-that-be are trying numerous things to cut down on the deaths such as adding more police, encouraging assemblage of torch-bearing mobs of angry people, and educating the public with seminars about safety.

“Remember, there is no such thing as safe sex, especially with the water hags hunting for impure flesh. And I know…because I am one!” screamed volunteer Karen Parks at the Abstinence Rally as she removed her disguise to throngs of screaming teenagers.

Political storm alert issued

Springfield, MO – The National Political Service in Springfield has issued a Republican Presidential Candidate warning for Greene County in southwest Missouri until 9pm CST Saturday night. At 5:12 pm trained politician spotters reported several Republican candidates were seen moving towards the Missouri Ozarks. Listen here: Political Storm Warning

A political barrage of television advertisements may develop at any time. Politico Radar showed this dangerous storm of activity moving southwest at 80 miles per hour. Locations impacted include Digital Monitoring Products in the Partnership Industrial Center, and Hillcrest High School at 3319 N. Grant Avenue.

Take  cover now. Move to an interior room on the lowest level of a sturdy bullshit-proof building. Avoid televisions and radio transmissions as they may carry political advertisements. If in a mobile home…you’re pretty much done for, but we knew that. If in a vehicle or outdoors move to the closest shelter and protect yourself from flying political promises.

Political hurricane Santorum is expected to make landfall early Saturday and will be closely followed by tropical storm Paul in the evening. The epicenter of the storms will pass southwest Missouri this weekend. Gale winds are expected to be in place through county caucuses March 17^th – 24^th.

An extreme political wind warning is in place for a predicted category 3 hurricane Romney, a cell that has exceptionally high intensity and forming from the northeast.

Big red box on square will contain City's secrets

Springfield, MO – After a recent website attack on springfieldmo.gov, hackers associated with the group “Anonymous” were disappointed to learn that they had stolen personal identification of regular citizens who live regular lives.

A spokesperson for “Anonymous” known as Hugh Dunnowmie said, “We were hoping to find personal information on Brad Pitt, Bob Barker or at the very least some record involving Yakov Smirnoff. Instead we walked away with online police reports, online job applications, y’know these people don’t have anything. What a waste of time.”

The group claims it accessed data from the city that includes names, Social Security numbers, cell phones, addresses and physical descriptions of more than 2,100 normally boring citizens. Max Frustrey said, “hey man that’s cool if they have my information. I can just take someone else’s. Like that Englishman who was busted in Ozark – I hear his identity is coming available.”

City Officials have decided to remove sensitive personal information from their collective websites due and instead host the files in a milk box near the fountain on the square. “At least the hackers won’t get the info that way. Plus we have security cameras up so we could actually see who was trying to take the physical files,” said a city official.

“We’re honored that the group Anonymous decided to focus on our small town here in the Ozarks. I’m guessing Julian Assange literally threw a dart at a spinning globe to determine the next hack-attack. Our city was pierced through by the dart. I can’t wait to see what WikiLeaks will report: government makes people wait in extremely long line to renew driver license,” said Sam Kwillow of Springfield.

Fart tsunami to engulf city

Springfield, MO – The National Weather Service of Warning Alerts has issued a level 5 red-hot stinky Fart Cloud Warning effective immediately. The coming Sertoma Chili Cook-off is planned for this weekend and all area citizens are encouraged to take immediate cover to prevent exposure to the terrible anus-produced cloud that is anticipated after the event.

Emergency management spokesman, F. Art Enmunose said, “Ozarkers need to seek cover immediately. The Sertoma Chili Cook-off has produced torrential fart cloud storms in the past and we anticipate record attendance at this years’ event, which would correlate with our predictions for an enormous fart cloud tsunami rolling over the Ozarks Plateau.”

A tsunami fart cloud has never been seen on this world but is estimated to be as powerful as snownados, hurriqueefs, and more dangerous than baconstreak straight line winds. The rolling thunder of gas is expected to engulf the upper-atmosphere and come striking down upon the surface of the Earth expanding out hundreds of miles.

“I’ve secured my home with car air fresheners and bottles of Febreze. I’m not gonna take this poop cloud lightly. I’ve also installed new filters in my vents and boarded up my windows. This chili cook-off was a great idea when it wasn’t so popular. Now so many people attend it is a health hazard,” said Yen Juli of Ravenwood South.

Teeth “throw a spanner in the works”

Springfield, MO – A British fugitive was recently found in Ozark, MO trying to blend into his local surroundings. Authorities say they were tipped off by local residents as the man smelled of cabbage and haggis. The accused is said to have pulled off the “perfect crime” by driving off in a security van with 50 bags of coins and notes worth $1.5 million in 1993.

“I remember him. He always said weird things like ‘sixes and sevens’,
‘mutt’s nuts’ and once he told me I had a ‘crusty dragon’ when my
allergies were acting up,” said Nate Kowalski, “he was real nice though.
” Neighbors reported the man as being suspicious. One woman, Gail Yonkalits said, “we lived next door to him for about 2 years and he never smoked meth or chewed tobacco, yet he had the worst teeth I’d even seen. Somethin’ ain’t right about that. So I called the cops to see what would cause that and they said he’s prolly British or foreign or somethin’ and I was astounded.”

Sherriff’s deputies kept the man under surveillance during which they determined that he drank tea at regular intervals during the day, watched soccer, and even had an unusual flag hanging from the back window of his pickup truck. “It turns out his flag was not a twist on the rebel flag that we assumed it was…we learned it was another flag called a Union Jack,” said one perplexed officer.

“I just can’t believe that we had an illegal alien in our midst. I mean he could have spread his accent to other people or sumpin’,” said Joey Neferton of Ozark, “he picked the wrong place to blend in, we find strangers really quickly ‘round here. Didn’t bother me that he had guns, but it did bother me that he said ‘crikey’ all the time.”

Un-forking believable

Springfield, MO – GSFM has thrown down the gauntlet, tripped and stabbed themselves in the grass-fed heart following a unanimous decision among a limited group of short-sighted members (about 3 people). Following a closed vote where members were not allowed to voice their opinion, GSFM dictated that anyone wanting to participate in the Farmers Market of the Ozarks would not be allowed to participate in the Battlefield Mall location and should concentrate on giving hand-jobs to hobos.

“We’ve built our business on well-fertilized ground. Might as well use that extremely fertile ground to influence our politics,” said one source, “Bull shat built America. We’re using it to our advantage by forcing the most popular vendors out of the GSFM so that we can build up the less popular vendors into the most popular vendors. Soon the lady with the cat-skin purses will be our lead horse.”

Local consumers are more than engaged, “I think the GSFM has positioned themselves as an exclusive market, one that nobody wants to shop at…that’s pretty exclusive company,” said Nelli Harborson. GSFM execs have said, “Hey fagghetabout it, des people who wanna run dey business can give it a name. No we ain’t no organized crime syndicate, c’mon.”

The Farmers Market of the Ozarks responded to the allegations by offering free solar produced energy to all prospective members.

Freakish Pony Burrito an awesome sight to behold

Springfield, MO – In a strange and unexplained coincidence the Pink Pony and Purple Burrito have merged forces to produce a Pink-ish-Purple Pony Burrito available this week to the Ozarks. The Pink-ish-Purple Pony Burrito is a hybrid. Part food, part food porn, the 215-pound edible monstrosity comes complete with a stripper jumping out of the beans and rice.

The two popular Glenstone Avenue destinations aren’t exactly sure how it happened. “I thought his dancer landed in my food,” said Ned Gerl of the Purple Burrito. “I thought his food landed on my girl,” said Stid Beanston of the Pink Pony. Fortunately, both businesses are taking partial credit for the unbelievably successful merger of dancing girls and So-Cal Mexi food.

“Sure we could have fought over who started it first, but it just makes sense to market the Pink-ish-Purple Pony Burrito as a joint effort,” claimed Gerl. Local patrons are at once surprised and very pleased when they order the Pink-ish-Purple Pony Burrito. “I thought I was just ordering a So-Cal party burrito, big enough for my frat party to munch on. When I got it home and hauled it inside, well the guys were very happy with my selection of cuisine,” said Nate Fergguison.

The only drawback to the combo of farty beans and frisky women is to the patron who waits too long to open the package. “I ordered one of them Pinky-Purp Pony Tacos and then kept it in the fridge overnight. Next thing I know this beautiful naked woman come crawlin out of my kitchen smellin’ like the inside of a dead armadillo,” said Shemp Nordstrom, “I guess she got hungry and started eatin’ away to keep herself busy.”

Man found in fetal position inside Battlefield Mall

Springfield, MO – Jerry Strafford spend the better part of a week trying to find his way out of the Battlefield Mall located in Springfield, MO. Strafford’s wife reported him missing after he went for a drink of water during a shopping spree to find him a  new pair of jeans.

The labyrinth of straight hallways and crowds of people confused Strafford to the point of bewilderment and he could not find his way back to the food court, a predetermined location of rendezvous with his wife. “I had my compass strapped to my jeans belt loop but it was no good. I couldn’t tell which was way up and the crowds of people only added to my frustration. That little girl with the multiple facial piercings haunted me for days. She just stared at me with a blank face, like I pity you.”

Strafford was too embarrassed to ask for help and frequently hid away in a side room to spend the night among mannequins and overstock. “I survived on dippin’ dots and Auntie Ann’s most of the time. I would have talked to the mall police but they were on motorized horses that scared the devil out of me,” said Strafford wiping a tear from his eye.

“I found Jerry crawling on his hands and knees outside a calendar kiosk, I think he was looking for loose change for the candy machine. It was bittersweet, I was happy to have him back but devastated that a shopping mall experience could destroy a man in this way,” said his wife.

Texting increases during snowy conditions and slow drive times

Springfield, MO – Drivers experienced more time to text and drive on Tuesday as a slight dusting of snow snarled traffic to a standstill on most major thoroughfares. Barely 1/8” of God’s powder covered city streets signaling the all-clear for creeping vehicle speeds, over-cautious braking and snail’s pace right-hand turns.

“Effing shoot me in the face, this driver is NSANE” tweeted Noah Figero as he drove and texted down Glenstone tailgating a weather-impaired motorist. Figero found it a bit harder to text on his mobile device as his fingers were a bit colder than usual, however he had more time to make sure he properly struck the appropriate keys given traffic speeds were reduced to 5-6 MPH.

City of Springfield officials indicated that roads were especially slippery but most motorist were alerted to poor driving conditions by checking their facebook accounts while pulling out of their own driveways. “I was pulling out, checking my tweetdeck and facebook and saw that most people were either sliding into a ditch or bitching about other people’s driving. I knew it was going to be a slow ride to work. I just updated my FB to read ‘take your time while driving today’ as I backed out, put on my seatbelt and ate a Ho-Ho and drank some coffee while inserting the new CD into my car’s in-dash stereo. Safety first people,” said Herm Yolander of Ozark, MO.

Several motorists tweeted collisions to @SGFPolice as they drove by in the slippery streets to report accidents, before they themselves wrecked into the car in front of them.

Local man prepares for Gun Show audition

Springfield, MO – According to a nearby billboard the Pony Club will host a Gun Show Oct. 22-23. Normally a male entertainment venue, the Pony Club Gun Show will feature dozens of men flexing their bicep muscles to the beat of rock ‘n roll music to delight the Ozarks’ female population.

“You ladies have tickets?” asked club owner Shiver Metimbers to a group of women, “to the Gun Show!??” while pulling back his right sleeve, flexing his muscles, and pointing with his left hand. The women immediately purchased tickets to ensure that he quit asking them the question.

“It’s going to be a fantastic event,” said Metimbers, “we even got the huge billboard colored pink like our building. See? Genius. We color coordinated everything!” Pony Club will hold auditions Oct. 20 & 21 for men who wish to show off their guns.

Regulations state that the men will be required to wear nipple tassels even if they choose to not remove their shirt, “just in case, you never know what happens on stage. We want this to be a true Ozark man celebration. Sure we could bring in the Chippendales, but they’re not real men. We want the true masculine spirit of Southwest Missouri onstage showing how we make this area of the country great,” said Metimbers.

Hopefuls should prepare a 1-minute routine to “Smokin in the Boys Room” and include several muscular poses, including but not limited to The Front Double Biceps, The Crab and The Rear Double Biceps. Flexing and posing is the only requirement, actual muscle mass is not required.