Archie all gritty with a smoke

Springfield, MO- Some lucky Springfield High School students may be able to get their 10 minutes of fame thanks to Paramount Studio’s Archie reboot which is being filmed in the Ozarks. The shooting of the movie, which will take place in late May, will bring big stars to the area such as James Garfield, Diana Agron, Josh Hutcherson, Emma Stone, and Terry O’Quinn. But the stars can do it all so extras will be needed and Paramount is looking for local talent to fill in the gaps.

Taking the familiar Archie comics and twisting them into a gritty, more realistic tone is the brain child of David Fincher. “Every comic is getting a gritty reboot,” said Fincher. “And I thought, ‘Why not Archie?’ All the elements are their: wealth, love triangles, addiction, teenage angst, milkshake sharing. It will be perfect.”

When asked why film in Missouri, Fincher said, “It was simply because Riverdale needs a small town feel, which Springfield has the perfect feel for the movie. Also we need a huge black tower, a dancing fountain, a Chili’s, a giant walking robot statue, and a surrounding meth problem. Yeah, I am changing Jughead’s hamburger addiction to meth. We are really Winter Boning it up. Winter Boning it hard. In fact I thought Winter‘s Bone was a gritty reboot of Nancy Drew.”

The actors seem to be fitting in fine; adapting to the slow pace of Missouri from the hustle bustle of LA. “Yeah Jennifer Lawrence (Josh’s co-star in The Hunger Games) warned me about Missouri. She told me all about the hell hounds, spook lights, and the Indians trying to kill precocious youths in caves. I am getting used to it. We will all fit in eventually,” said Josh Hutcherson as his red polio shirt slowly morphed into over-alls.

The students and staff are looking forward to a piece of Hollywood entering their school. “We can’t wait for the filming,” stated Principal Crabton. “And I was a big fan of the comics growing up. Sure, I have my reservations about the gritty reboot such as Moose starting a fight club, Dilton starting a social network, and someone’s head ending up in a box. But, I trust Fincher’s artistic vision and his creepiness.”

There is a call for extras who either look like teenagers or methed-out adults.

Local man cuts down trees to make a landfill for used plastics for Earth Day

Springfield, MO – Most people overlooked the Earth Day celebration in the Ozarks however many took specific actions to impact their direct effect on our local ecosystem. Loni Urtangers said, “I thought long and hard while I showered for 2 hours trying to come up with something I could do to better the environment, then I realized I could stop placing garbage into the recycling can.”

Ozarkers across the region took action during this awareness period. “I took to burning that pile of tires but then realized that today was Earth Day, so I’ll burn that heap next week to honor todays’ celebration,” said Brett Hollinjer of Buffalo, MO. “We was emptying hazardous waste material into a cave,” claimed Abigail Fruittonger, “but on Earth day I decided to find an empty dumpster to take my nasties to, it saves the cave and the Earth a day of processing my meth lab excess.”

Sam Hergusin of Nixa decided he was going to recycle his used batteries. Hergusin drove around town from location to location for about an hour and a half asking where he could take the consumed portable power sources. “Eventually, no one had any good ideas and I was running thin on patience so I returned the batteries back into Earth myself – by throwing them into the James River on my way home,” said Hergusin.

If you have a good idea on how to save the Earth, please drive a large gas-guzzling  SUV into the nearest potable water source and empty several cans of hairspray toward the sky like a beacon to signify your location where we can collect your idea to save the Earth’s natural resources.

Woman placing a moustache finger on her lip

Springfield, MO – For those fascinated with facial follicle fashion, get ready to face some serious competition! Competitors from around the Ozarks are gathering at Patton Alley Pub this Saturday to prove that their genetic coding has superior follicle frolicking. Queen City Beards hosts the event and expects several male and female entries this year.

“If women can grow facial hair they can participate in the Bearded Lady category, the Stache Chic category or the Unibrow category. If they are follicly-challenged, we also have a fake beard/moustache category. Most fakers draw a moustache on their finger and hold it on their face, wear a costume beard or permanently tattoo their upper lip,” said an event organizer.

One entrant on the male side has spent years preparing for the event by growing one single hair that is extremely long and can be woven in between stubble in a basket weaving configuration. “It’s great, I have one super long hair that can be arranged on my face in any given style: if I’m going to the game, I can fashion it into a baseball, if it is an evening at a restaurant, I can make a fish or steak, if I’m looking for love I can make a heart with cupids arrow. It is very versatile!” said Hank Jistapiece of Buffalo, MO.

Among others, the event will be judged by local meteorologist Tom Trtan who has been officially banned from entering the competition because his moustache is legendary and could never be beaten by any mortal man.

Man catches bat before it turns into vampire

Springfield, MO- With the success of such blue collar shows such as “Ice Road Truckers”, “Swamp People”, and “Ax Men” The History Channel will begin filming a show featuring bat hunters in the Ozarks. “Bat Men” will bring the fun, danger, and excitement of bat hunting to the average person’s living room. It will boast color characters and a host of interesting settings such as caves, caves, and more caves.
“People don’t understand that bats are a menace to society and need to be destroyed. They turn into vampires, they look creepy, eat harmless mosquitoes, and get stuck in little girl’s hair. People know this and pay us to kill the little, hairy jerks. Mostly little girls. We get a lot of lemonade stand money,” said James “Slayer” Slayton.
With over 6000 caves in Missouri, it is the perfect location for bat hunting and Ozarkians are artist at the craft. Dating back to the founding of the state bat hunting has been a lucrative career. Some bat killing families can be traced back to the original bat hunter Hector “Bat**** Crazy” Willis.
“We are very excited about this show,” said an unnamed History Channel executive. “We love crazy red necks killing, driving over, or cutting stuff. And these guys are crazy. They kill bats with pitch forks, dynamite, and super soakers filled with garlic water. Who even has super soakers anymore? I mean, come on.”
The colorful characters feature will be: a father and son team being torn apart because they are both vying for the same woman‘s affection, a crazy old man who hunted bats under the FDR administration, two sisters who hunt for meth money, and a 11 year old bat killing prodigy who kills bat at a 12th grade level.

Chariot racing approved in Branson

Springfield, MO – The proposed sale of land to be used for a loud, boisterous race-track has been denied and the purchase rights transferred to a group who is leading the charge to bring horse chariot racing to the Ozarks.

The sale of the land near Ridgedale, owned by Russell Cook, was to be held by the Taney County Sheriff’s Office at 1 p.m. today in Forsyth. On Monday morning, Cook confirmed that the sale had been sideswiped by the horse and chariot community who purchased the land pennies on the dollar.

“I guess the Taney County Planning Commission approved the purchase quickly as chariot racing is much quieter than NASCAR type automobiles. In fact, the only benign noise from chariot racing is when a driver is thrown from his ride and crushed by other chariot racers…hardly a concern to nearby vacationers,” said Louis Floristat, a local concerned citizen.

Chariot Racing of the Ozarks Council (CROC) confirmed that the land near Big Cedar Lodge was secured today and that they plan an opening day in the fall of 2013. “We expect that the building of the track will take very little time and most of our preparations will be in the training of the chariot drivers and the horses,” said CROC representative Jimmy Handlebars.

According to CROC sources, several drivers have already been signed and will be gladiator-ish in nature. Leonitus, Maximus, and Flamma have all agreed to appear at the track and officials are excited to bring chariot racing to the area which will generate strong spectator enthusiasm. “The Olympic Games would love to bring back the sport as it was one of the most important equestrian events. We hope to be the catalyst for this occurrence,” said Handlebars.

Fans swoon at the sight of Big Cards

Springfield, MO – Swarms of red-feathered beasts flocked into the Ozarks Monday evening, and collected at Hammons Field near downtown Springfield. “The big cards are here!” screamed Joey Huffington, an 8^th grader who screeched his terrifying message while running hysterically from a nearby parking garage.

According to sources, the large, flight-enabled monsters regularly appear around this time of year unless a period of strong rainstorms are present in Florida. “Last year the big cards were diverted from our area due to strong thunderstorms and precipitation near Jupiter, Florida,” said weather analyst John Llabtesksab.

“We never had this aviary issue until Hammons Field was opened, but now we can expect big cardinals to appear in early April for at least 24-36 hours,” said Newt Rollingston, “and the crowds they draw are amazing. Everyone wants to see the big cards.”

Terrifying as it may seem, most people actually try very hard to get access to the ballpark to see these freaks of nature. “I had no idea we had so many bird enthusiasts who are willing to sacrifice their own lives to see the freakishly large finches. I hear one report where a Springfield Cardinals fan saw a big card that weighed more than 200 pounds!” said Rachel Yonkers of the local National Audubon Society chapter.

A large bird weighing over 200 pounds is capable of pecking out a man’s heart with one neck thrust, able to shred bone and muscle with enormous talons and capable of lifting small children into the heavens. Citizens are encouraged to avoid the area around and near Hammons Field until the end of this week.

Cashew chicken flight is very popular between SGF and BGK

Springfield, MO – In an effort to cross-promote tourism in the area, the Springfield – Branson Airport has announced a new flight from Branson to Springfield and back. The short flight is anticipated to increase spending in the Ozarks by hundreds of dollars.

“We expect that the crosstown traffic generated is going to allow more spending within the Ozarks. Yes, it is going to cost $450 to travel 30 miles via air, but we predict that the easy access will encourage spending in Springfield and Branson,” said one travel official.

“Yeah we wuz planning to Springfield after Branson by driving, but when we heard that we could fly there and spend more money we wuz all aboard. Spending money increases the local economies, so we wuz all in,” said tourists Jimmy Ujilkifsh.

The anticipated increase in tourist dollars has encouraged businesses to sponsor the flights between the two destinations. Air passengers can choose between the “Yak-your-trek-off”, “Redneck Travelers” or the “Cashew Chicken Express” based on travelers expectations.

“I choose the ‘Cashew Chicken Express’ because we were actually served cashew chicken on our flight. I’m sure it’d be nice to be serenaded by Redneck tenors or entertained by Yakov, but I’m a big eater and the food was a big draw to me,” said Nate Emerson as he slurped down his remaining in-air flight meal.

Audiences disappointed they didn’t get “Hunger Bone” as a sequel

Springfield, MO- Ozark audiences were wowed by the dystopian young adult novel turned movie “The Hunger Games”, but mostly because they thought it was a sequel to “Winter’s Bone” due to many factors. The confusion was caused because the actress starred in both movies and the setting of District 12 is exactly like Ozarks.

“Whoa, what?,” says Greg Allens, an audience member. “You mean that wasn’t Ree with dyed hair? I swear she lived in the same house, and she had a sister and everything. It has got to be a sequel.”

“Some people thought the movie was gruesome, but not me. I mean in the original Ree gets beat up and has to cut hands off a corpse,” states audience member Kate Smith. “So, it was no big deal with a guy gets eaten by wolves.”

When people asked about the name change they stated such excuses such as: “I forgot her name was Ree in the first place”, “Ree is short of Katniss somehow”, “people change names off all the time” and “I was methed out of my mind so I didn’t really care.” When audience members realized “Hunger Games” was a stand alone movie, they felt cheated and disappointed.

“Well crap. I was totally rooting for Ree because I thought if she won that stupid game she would finally get the house,” states Marvin Crane. “At least I can see the sequel to Sherlock Holmes where he ate that robot suit.”

A hideous Terror-weevil sees all

Springfield, MO- With warmer weather and brighter skies Ozarkians are looking forward to baseball, picnics, and the awakening of the spotted Terror-weevil. The Terror-weevil can only be seen in the months of March and April where it emerges from deep underground caverns. This emergence (called the Terror Bloom by 1800’s Hill folk) is a rare and spectacular sight for all to behold.

“The Terror-weevil is a wondrous sight to behold. It is 1-foot long and has 26 eyes, poisonous fangs, a 3-foot wing span, gives of a foul oder when in danger or in heat, and has mandibles able to snap a badger in two,” said Norm Scivvers, a local outdoorsman, “With dark coloring and body spots it has the perfect camouflage to hide under cars, in baby cribs, and dark corners of everyone’s houses. I can wait for its prey: everything.”

Once free from its 100-year slumber the Terror-weevil finds a home in numerous places among the Ozarks. Mostly looking for a warm dark habitat they prefer to nest under children’s beds, children’s closets, and children’s nightmares. In more rare circumstances the weevil can be seen in bathrooms, but only when a person notices nothing in the medicine cabinet mirror, opens it, then shuts it, when the person suddenly sees the TERROR-WEEVIL IN THE REFLECTION!

Now that the weevil has returned many people are looking forward to the annual Terror-weevil Festival. The festival has many activities such as whack-a-weevil, weevil painting, and an awful weevil petting zoo. “AHHH, NO! GOD NO!” said Amy Whitner, a 6-year old girl going through the petting zoo.

The Terror-weevil will only be able to be enjoyed for the next two months. On the last full moon of the season the weevil will give a blood curdling scream, twist its entire body around, and die. “The Terror Scream is a great site to witness“, says Jerry Spotwell, a Terror-weevil enthusiast. “No, wait not great…horrifying. It is totally horrifying.”

Gorillas impressed by WOW

Springfield, MO – Kansas City Zoo officials are investigating how two male gorillas escaped and made their way to Wonders of Wildlife in the Ozarks. The two primates were found confused and bewildered inside of the closed exhibit.

“One of the gorillas punched our robotic animated bucks in the nose, upon learning that the museum was not yet open to the public,” said curator Greg Hoffington. “The animatronic buck is programmed to say ‘sorry folks, museum is closed’ and apparently the gorillas took it upon themselves to enter the facility to take home some of their own memories,” said Hoffington.

According to security camera footage, the gorillas, Mbundi and his half-brother Ntondo, enjoyed several exhibits, chased many turkey and even participated in feeding the aquarium fish. At one point, the giants even took control over the animatronic buck and reprogrammed it to say “Hey Buckeroo, why don’t you come on in for a good time, heyyyyyyyyaw!”

Museum executives were quick to call officials who quickly found the primates sitting quietly in the quest services areas completing questionnaires. Most of the feedback contained comments such as “make more human exhibits”, “too many guns” and “wonderful family entertainment…for a human!”.