King’s hair arrives early for the fight

Springfield, MO – Don King’s hair arrived at the Springfield Branson Airport a full 30 minutes before the legendary boxing promoter. King was scheduled to arrive yesterday but was delayed when he leaned backwards and his hair fell 2 time zones behind him.

“Only in America can a man be in 3 time zones at once, due to the height of his hair,” proclaimed King. Once King arrived, Hammon’s Tower became the second tallest structure in the Ozarks. King will be in town to promote Willard native and #3 WBO world rated Cruiserweight BJ Flores this weekend.

“Get a Shiner at the Shriner” is the event’s moniker and resonates such engaging fights such as “The Thrilla in Manilla” and “Rumble in the Jungle” that King made famous. The event will be held at the Shrine Mosque where Prince Hall Freemason, King, secured the venue only after considering other locations that would have been billed, “Fistacuffs at Fassnight Park,” “The Donnybrook at Digiacinto’s,” and the “Pounding at Incredible Pizza”.

Flores has said, “Don, and more importantly his hair, bring a level of instant recognition that gives this fight card instant credibility. Springfield will be in for a real treat this weekend as Don’s hair will be an amazing site. I mean, the fights will be good too, but man…that hair is awesome.” Flores is pre-suing King for the fight purse money he is sure to be denied for the weekend fight.

Building piercings and tattoos are increasing in popularity

Springfield, MO – Local trend-setting retail shop Kaleidoscope pierced an entire building just because they can. The building piercing was executed under supervision of several construction supervisors and 2 health inspectors. The piercing was performed as a promotional event to emphasize how piercings can be applied just about anywhere.

“Yeah I hired Kaleidoscope to pierce my backyard shed after I saw their building piercing…we hung a huge nipple ring from it to signify my rebellious spirit,” said Wes Fruiton. Building piercings are increasing in popularity thanks in part to the enormous piercing on the side of the Kaleidoscope building.

“The mortar piercing process is extremely tedious, much more so than a human Prince Albert what with the structural concerns and safety codes,” said punctual artist Sam Koffington, “in fact, the building laws are very strict…especially on historical buildings.” While the piercing fad is increasing, local requests for house tattoos are also on the rise.

“Yesterday we were wondering how we could make our house stand out from the ho-hum suburbia that we reside in. We landed on a koi pond tattoo with a dragon licking a nicotine patch on our garage door. Our friends and family will know exactly where we are located and hopefully the design will give us street cred to dissuade robbers and meth addicts from invading our house,” said Stephanie Lowerton of Highland Springs.

Apple Tent to open this Spring at Target

Springfield, MO – Reports of an Apple Store coming to the Ozarks are being held under tarp and rope in the Target parking lot at Primrose & Glenstone. Local shoppers are excitedly anticipating the tent flaps to fly open and Macbook Airs to fly out at discounted prices.

Jerry Donwhat said, “Man, I just know that they are building iPads under that tent right now! I can’t wait for the Apple Tent to open – so retro cool!” Target pioneered the concept of offering designer items at affordable prices in 1999 with the launch of Michael Graves home accessories. “A cheap chic computer mantra is obviously the next step in merchandising to the masses,” said Kerry Yulandersheild, a Target representative.

“The Apple Tent concept is an approachable way to merchandise highly sophisticated computers to an everyday crowd. Most folks see a tent and say, ‘Hey, I can afford whatever is inside that, let’s go buy something I can afford’ which is exactly what we are banking on,” said Yulandershield. News of the Apple Tent opening sent Apple and Target shares soaring.

“I really think that it is a full circle approach to computing. Apple started in a garage and now they are being offered from an un-airconditioned tent. Maybe circle is too strong a word…distorted oval might better apply,” claims Steven Hovenshiver, a professor of Economics at Missouri State University.

High hopes aside, claims are surfacing that the Apple Tent is nothing more than a collection of stolen and broken machines refurbished to schlep upon unsuspecting Apple fan boys who fall asleep at night under the cold screen glare of an imposing monster machine race readying itself to take over the world.

Craig T. Nelson on a bag

Springfield, MO – The premier leather bag retailer from New York, Coach Inc., is planning on market testing a new product line at their Battlefield Mall location. Lewis Frankfort, Coach’s CEO, made the announcement in a press release last Monday when revealing the company’s new line: The Coach Bag. “Coach has been commonly confused with the 90′s television series through many search engines long enough,” explained Frankfort, “so fusing the two, just seemed like a natural progression in eliminating the confusion.”

The aging CEO hopes that attaching Craig T. Nelson’s face to the bag design will capture the nostalgia that dull, white Americans feel for the seemingly prosperous decade of the 90′s. Though the series Coach was based out of Minnesota, Frankfort believes that Springfield, Missouri has a quintessential whiteness that has an uncanny resemblance to Coach Hayden Fox’s sitcom town.  Competitors have been scratching their heads as to why Coach Inc. would alter their formula of selling high end apparel to the masses by “midwesternizing” their products in hopes of grasping a new market share.

Fendi’s creative director, Karl Lagerfeld, noted that Frankfort “has always been on the cutting edge of accessorizing and fashion,” but is “unsure whether or not this is the right direction” for the rival company.  Other company officials were hesitant to give their comments on Frankfort’s new line of Coach bags.  However, one anonymous executive of the company conveyed his thoughts rather bluntly about Frankfort: “the old man has gone batsh*t crazy!” Crazy or not, keep your eye out in the community for the sleek new styling of the The Coach Bag.

Parrots and pugs enjoy "hook life"

Springfield, MO – Continuing today at the Ozarks Empire Fairgrounds, the Springfield Arts and Tattoo Festival will feature several spectacles including live animal suspension demonstrations, open to the public. Parrots, guinea pigs, and cute widdle puppies will be jabbed with sharp hooks and hung 5-12 feet into the air for pure spiritual enlightenment rarely enjoyed by uptight, rigid Homo sapiens.

Lewis Joliet, a master at suspension claimed, “the proper placement, number, and size of metal hooks which are pierced into the skin to lift an animal off the ground is a very delicate science. You see, a hawk can stand more resistance than say a chickadee. And a squirrel can hardly tolerate the pain that a Great Dane can withstand. Of course, all of these animals are God’s creatures and entitled to the same enlightenment that we all seek here on this Earth,” as he stabbed himself in the tongue and lifted  his body off the ground via hidden pulley.

Children are admitted free to the event and a special pet piercing booth will puncture any cat, dog or goldfish that provide appropriate health department and completed consent forms. “Mr. Giggles weally wiked the fun hook wide,” said 4 year old Emma Pearson after her Cockapeekapoo mutt was lifted into the air performing a crucifix suspension for a crowd of spectators.

Local Ozarkers have been preparing for the event for months by practicing human suspension in their backyards terrifying their neighbors and horrifying passersby. The animal suspension event is a first-of-its-kind here, and is expected to sell out soon. Sponsors suggest buying tickets early.

The human suspension event coincides with the National Antique Tractor Pull and RK Gun Show. One participant, Hank Uleriton, plans to be yanked down a target range by his nipples chained to an antique Alice Chalmers tractor while avoiding unfriendly fire.

Local business man prepared for no pants elevator day

Springfield, MO – The annual “no-pants elevator” event at Hammons Tower is scheduled to take place today to align with the NYC No Pants Subway ride coordinated by Improv Everywhere. The Ozarks do not have a subway system so the elevator ride up to the top of a large building is the best big city substitute available. Businessmen to college students have been planning to participate for several months now.

“I’ve made a lot of big meetings, I mean big meetings with clients for today. I can’t wait to show up in my underwear so I can say ‘what? You mean you didn’t know this was no-pants elevator day?’” said tax attorney Jon Santomizzer, “It is going to be great!”

Hammons Tower security are hesitant to see all the elevator riders but understand the thrill of the ride. “Last year a man showed up with a talking tickle-me-elmo attached to his boxer’s crotch area. It was pretty funny to make it chuckle,” said security guard Norm Kittlesbuerg.

College students, from Missouri State, Drury and Evangel to name a few, flock to the event so they can feel a common bond with others across the county. “It is really hard to find a cause that binds Americans together, but no pants in public is something we really identify with. People our age and older come together to shun normal dress code in order to express ourselves,” said Robyn Polianti, while crowding into a stuffed elevator while wearing neon glow boy cut underwear.

Real effing bears clean a side street

Springfield, MO – Local bears have adopted a street to clean and keep tidy in Southeast Springfield near Luster and Cragmont. According to the bears, they are hoping to raise awareness to their plight as an indigenous species in the Ozarks.

City officials claim that the bears filed the necessary paperwork for street adoption and were very clear with their intentions. “We had two damn bears walk into city hall and everyone ran for the exits, turns out they just wanted to help keep our area clean and let citizens know that bears can be useful participants in an urban setting,” said city official Jaime Kiuae.

Motorist have been more than surprised by the efforts. “I was trying to avoid Glenstone so I took a back street. And there they were, a bunch of bears with trash in their mouths, trash on sticks and trash in bags. I thought I was going to be eaten alive, but instead I navigated a path around the mall on a surprisingly clean path of pavement,” claimed Noel Gargeror.

Neighbors have reported a sharp decrease in crime and littering in the area since the real bears have taken responsibility for the cleanliness of the roadway. “I think it is an enforcement issue. We had one driver throw out a plastic cup while the real bears were cleaning the road and the bears didn’t take to kindly to that. They chased the driver down and ate his head at the next stop sign. That’s a pretty good deterrent if you ask me,” said homeowner Jilly Twilly.

Solo F'n Yo Company spewing frozen yogurt

Springfield, MO – Peachwave, Fro Yo, Orange Leaf, Andy’s, and other frozen dessert companies, this is your warning: Solo Cup has announced that they will soon be serving the largest frozen yogurt in the Ozarks. Solo Cup, a plant that has been dormant for several years, has recently made plans to serve the creamy goodness in bulk, projecting the blend from the giant cup’s straw in front of the building.

“For years now, we’ve tried to find a perfect tenant for the 1.35 million square feet structure. With the frozen yogurt craze
in full force, we feel that this trend will push well into the future,” said developer Oren Pistuk. The search ended when investors realized that they could manufacture, distribute and successfully sell mass quantities of the yummy goodness and project it from the existing cup and straw.

Project backers claim that the overall business plan seemed shaky at first glance, until the attention turned to the unique distribution plan. “The straw was a big draw for us,” said angle investor Gary Truckem, “the ability to produce in mass quantity only as important as getting the product to market. The giant straw will spew frozen yogurt into nearby tankers, waiting train cars, local delivery vehicles and into the buckets of any patrons wishing to take home a 5-gallon bucket for their family.”

Reports indicate that the new company name is expected to be “Solo Cup F’n Yo” however sources have yet to confirm that information. The giant straw is scheduled to begin projecting yogurt in early spring.

Road Warrior car will be outfitted with extra speed and a beer holder

Springfield, MO – City voters have bestowed a unique honor upon a brave councilman after he displayed dogged-determination and excellent decision making skills to pursue and confront a poor driver; the new position–a division of the street enforcement team – will be known as City Councilman Road Warrior.

“He’s pretty good at finding less than perfect drivers. We’re going to employ him to not only track down those who break minor traffic infractions but to also apply vigilante-style justice upon all offenders. He may choose to give them a warning but he has the authority to drag them down the street if he deems that is an appropriate consequence,” said Newt Nikerson of the street enforcement team.

According to reports, poor driving is a common occurrence in the Ozarks. Cleaning up city streets will be a task that should take a considerable amount of time to accomplish. “Man, I seen three people today going too fast, making lane changes without signaling and braking too abruptly. What we need is someone who can kick some butt and bring down serious road rage onto these idiots. I think we’ve found the right person in the City Councilman Road Warrior,” said concerned citizen Ima Passivisto.

The City Councilman Road Warrior will be immune from any and all prosecution as he administers individual judgments against those who choose not to obey simple traffic laws. “We have a problem in this city, and the last thing we want holding the City Councilman Road Warrior back is fear of consequences for his unorthodox and effective strategies. Also, he will be allowed to drink beer while on patrol; it is a stressful job that requires a little relief,” said an official statement.

Fans eagerly await Big Smith Reunion Tour

Springfield, MO – After nearly 15 years of touring, recording and performing the most original sound to come out of the Ozarks, local group Big Smith has announced that they are unplugging their 12” 3-speed oscillating band. Reunion tour details are forthcoming, however it will be known as “Bigger Smith”.

Professor of Musicology, Rand Jonserson pontificated, “Break ups are good for bands, look at the success enjoyed by members of the Ozark Mountain Daredevils, Nirvana, and the Beatles after they disbanded. There are immediate direct financial benefits to breaking up: Big Smith’s final tour will likely see an increase in attendance, and album sales of ‘Roots, Shoots & Wings’ will skyrocket…I call it the ‘McRib Theory’ in action.”

Fans of Big Smith shared differing views on the break-up of the band. “What’s the big deal? I mean its just good-natured, infectious music  performed by classically trained musicians who are more humble than high-strung, right? There should be another group to lead the future of traditional American music in another what…30 or 40 years,” said Mike McQuizzy as his eyes teared up with fear, unsure how he will communicate the news to his unborn children.

“None of them asked me if it was okay to call it quits,” said Joel Vanderhuff, who has never successfully done anything for 15 years straight, “It’s just selfish and unfair that they are doing this to me. What about my feelings? I was going to have them play my funeral in 60 years!”

Rumors are circulating that the split has been attributed to one of several factors such as, Jody married Yoko Ono after meeting her at an NYC art show; Jay is pursuing a solo washboard career; Bill was holding out for more bass solos; Molly wanted more potpourri in the green rooms; Rik desired more onstage pyrotechnics or Mark simply wore out his original pair of Big Smith overalls, the bands’ inspirational namesake.