Local Reverend escapes hellish church parking lot traffic with Monster Truck

Springfield, MO —After a wonderful church service preaching harmony and brotherhood, First & Harmony United Church members were hell bent on getting out of the parking lot.

Cutting off Deacon Grover, Rebecca Shroud – the Children’s Music Minister – stealthily avoided a collision and exited onto Cherry Street, freed to meet her friends at lunch to discuss Reverend Mathis’ sermon on harmonious living.

Other churchgoers were not so lucky to escape quickly. Several of the congregation were stuck in a long twisting line, jockeying for position toward the exits. Tighter than a pew on Easter Service, cars filled with recipients of the pastors message of hope and tolerance edged closer to the exit with little hope of avoiding a 20-minute wait.

One motorist, Gail Hubbard, patiently waited for an opening to make a left turn into the exit line when she suddenly snapped and gunned her minivan into a competitive position, nearly removing a BMW bumper in the process.

Gene Roark was seen slamming his firsts onto his steering wheel cursing the devil’s traffic jam then finally burst into tears. Secretary Jarvis tailgated Office Manager Joan Higgins SUV as she cleared a path through the masses.

Reverend Mathis was seen bursting out the back of the church in his Bigfoot Crushin’ Crusadermobile, race down a runway flanked with bursting flames and fireworks and hit a ramp sending the Reverend into the air, over the parking lot and smash down a top the children’s playground equipment, easily avoiding the congressional congestion.

Battlefield Mall patrons navigate a snow maze created by snowplow driver

Springfield, MO—Kyle Hertz, a local snowplow driver for the City of Springfield created the area’s coolest snow maze out of boredom yesterday in the Battlefield Mall parking lot.

Hertz was credit with the artistic, mind-challenging creation after several hours of work and tedious snow plowing. According to sources, Hertz was seen plowing excess snow into an enormous mound, grading it out into a flat plane 8 feet tall, then carved cryptic paths to create a fantastic maze entrance into the food court entrance at Battlefield Mall.

“I had to park about 100 feet from the door, but I really enjoyed navigating the stimulating puzzle to gain entrance to the mall,” said Stacy Herzog. Several people filled the parking lot to attempt the maze configuration only to be left confused and lost in the labyrinth.

Joey Ferguson said, “I was in there for 45 minutes before I saw another person. And no the yellow wall is not from me, it was a dog. I swear.” At press time, no dogs were confirmed entering the maze.

“I usually do my job as normal, clean the streets, drop the salt, etc. But today I felt the need to express myself. In a way that no other snowplow driver ever has in this town. A snow maze made sense to me, so I did it, and people really seen to enjoy it,” said Hertz.

Battlefield Mall food court sales up 45% as nearly everyone who made it though the maze was extremely hungry and couldn’t resist purchasing some snack to soothe their problem solving induced hunger.

Springfield History Museum Executive Director said, “there’s no ‘spring’ or ‘field’ in Springfield much like there’s no ‘marsh’ in Marshfield anymore. Or ‘Mexicans’ in Mexico, Missouri or ‘humans’ in Humansville.”

According to City of Springfield archive specialist Hilbert Gillypuddy, the original field that contained the spring, for which this city is named, was covered up by a parking lot in the early 40’s.

“I was there when they paved paradise and put up a parking lot,” said Gillypuddy, who later penned a song documenting the occasion and sold it to BMI recording artist Joni Mitchell who had a hit in 1970. “Yep, I was the first person to put a tree in the Springfield History Museum. I think they charge a dollar and a half to see ‘em,” said Gillypuddy.

Every few generations civilizations will rename their geographic locations, for example Mr. Saint Helens was known by native people as Olum Te Yuiga. In a hundred years from now Springfield or Walnut Grove or Willow Springs could simply be know by a alpha-numeric code such as CIV-284, that signifies the populations’ market size.

In fact, an original science fiction story of how Springfield, MO retains its personality has gained national attention with news that a full feature film staring Kevin Costner is in production and schedule to be called Field of Springs.

“I pulled in expecting to pay $2 for a car wash and the girl who took my cash laughed and pulled me out of the car window and tossed me on the concrete,” said a sniveling, bleeding, cheapskate Louis Benefort.

Jeremy Hew also pulled into the parking lot to have his vehicle washed. As he exited his car a member of the was squad screamed “Splash N’ Bash Mother-blaster!” then removed her prosthetic leg and smashed him in the teeth. He was sprayed with water from a hose and then covered in soapy water.

Splash N’ Bash organizers were at once horrified and amused at the brutal fundraiser gone awesome. Volunteer coordinator Vivian Hoosika said, “At first I was scared that people were going to be unsatisfied, then I was enthralled with the absolute beating I was witnessing. The minivan driver was putting up a good fight with Lilly until Lil’ stomped her toe with her skate then jerked the driver’s shirt over her head and cracked her skull hockey style.”

At that moment the Mad Maxines of Lincoln, NE appeared around the corner and began to toss modified mol tov cocktails into Skateport officially desecrating the Springfield Rollergirls home turf. An all out girl-on-girl roller fight broke out in the ensuing aftermath on the parking lot and lasted several hours.

At last count $52 was collected, three cars were set ablaze and eighteen teeth were located on the scene.