Handi-racist

Springfield, MO – A painted parking spot elicited racist emotions on the south side of the queen city after a short shopping spree at the Walmarts. A large white handicap image can be clearly seen crushing the head of a black handicapped image.

“What the f*ck is that!?” said George Tillawhack, as he walked by with his cart full of groceries to his car. “That’s some racist sh*t!” as he stared at the image for more than 2 minutes. The
unintentionally offensive artwork was made to more clearly identify where individuals with handicapped can park and more easily walk to a motorized cart to purchase processed foods,
alcohol and tobacco products.

“The huge white handicapped image painted on top of the little black handicapped image is in no way a statement. It is merely an attempt to show that the handicapped people identify more with large people with disabilities, who might be white,” said a clearly befuddled employee who was only trying to make the parking spaces easier to identify. “Who the hell brought this up in the first place? I have black friends. Damnit.”

The store plans to repaint each individual handicapped sign the many colors of the human race. “Better not put the white disabled people parking closest to the front,” said Tillawhack as he looked for more opportunities to define the struggle of race in obscure places.

Obnoxious stank emitted from Tindle Mill destruction

Springfield, MO—A local dog food factory’s destruction is releasing a nasty fragrance not experienced since the operation was producing smelly dog food. Tindle Mills was known regionally for emitting a foul sulfur odor while in production, a smell now revived by the buildings’ demise.

“Once we started tearing down that tower it released a gaseous stank that brought tears to my eyes. Reminded me of the old days, when Tindle Mills was crankin’ out dog chow from horse hooves and cattle bones,” said Daniel Ufstress, a demolition worker.

In 2005, the long vacant Tindle Mills location was donated by ADM Alliance Nutrition to Drury University. Recently, the OTC Board of Trustees voted to borrow $2 million to buy the former mill site and build a new parking lot.

“We had no idea that the demolition would produce these types of memory-inducing smells. I recall driving up and down Chestnut Expressway back in the ‘90s and breathing in the foul emissions produced from the mill. Hopefully we can get rid of the stench by the time the parking lot goes in,” said one OTC official.

OTC plans to issue a parking fee for students at the Springfield OTC campus to help pay for construction of the 150 space parking lot but now is considering an additional fumigation fee to eliminate any lingering odors.

Drury planned to turn the 8.1-acre site into a green space but reconsidered given the “stank bomb” characteristics of the site.

Battlefield Mall patrons navigate a snow maze created by snowplow driver

Springfield, MO—Kyle Hertz, a local snowplow driver for the City of Springfield created the area’s coolest snow maze out of boredom yesterday in the Battlefield Mall parking lot.

Hertz was credit with the artistic, mind-challenging creation after several hours of work and tedious snow plowing. According to sources, Hertz was seen plowing excess snow into an enormous mound, grading it out into a flat plane 8 feet tall, then carved cryptic paths to create a fantastic maze entrance into the food court entrance at Battlefield Mall.

“I had to park about 100 feet from the door, but I really enjoyed navigating the stimulating puzzle to gain entrance to the mall,” said Stacy Herzog. Several people filled the parking lot to attempt the maze configuration only to be left confused and lost in the labyrinth.

Joey Ferguson said, “I was in there for 45 minutes before I saw another person. And no the yellow wall is not from me, it was a dog. I swear.” At press time, no dogs were confirmed entering the maze.

“I usually do my job as normal, clean the streets, drop the salt, etc. But today I felt the need to express myself. In a way that no other snowplow driver ever has in this town. A snow maze made sense to me, so I did it, and people really seen to enjoy it,” said Hertz.

Battlefield Mall food court sales up 45% as nearly everyone who made it though the maze was extremely hungry and couldn’t resist purchasing some snack to soothe their problem solving induced hunger.