Locals are itching to get inside of Hy-Vee

Springfield, MO – Thousands of Ozarkians have been infected with a disease commonly known as “Poison Hy-Vee”, a mild form of curiosity preceded by high amounts of anticipation and feverishly high expectations.
“Oh, man, I can’t wait to go to the new Hy-Vee store on Battlefield Street,” said Norma Jillonsap as she scratched her forearms while shaking her hands and leg, “I just can’t wait! I heard they have an awesome pizza and even an area where you smell aromas that instantly cease any hunger pangs.”

Hundreds of people crowded the sidewalk hours before the new Hy-Vee store opened its doors, eagerly waiting to cure their case of curiosity. “I’ve had Poison Hy-Vee since they broke ground. I used to go to Hy-Vee up north and I’ve missed the chain that I grew up with,” said Matt Lippard who upon entering the store stared at the aisles in fond remembrance, gently griping his grocery cart handle as drool ran down his chin.

Doctors recommend visiting the store if you exhibit any symptoms of “Poison Hy-Vee” to sooth and treat the discomfort. “Poison Hy-Vee or dermatitis – hy-veeticus is a commonly spread inflammation resulting from direct or indirect contact with others who are infected with anticipation. The rash usually will appear 24-48 hours after hearing the wonderful grocery stories. The only known cure is to actually visit the store, and allow its healing powers wash away the irritation,” said Doctor Yuli Mangrove.

“I got covered with it and had to go to Hy-Vee to scratch the itch! Now I’m cured, but I have the scars of a wonderful shopping experience to carry with me all of my life,” said Lippard.

Douchebags invade eastern Greene County

Oak Grove Heights, MO—A blinking highway sign in eastern Greene County is catching the attention of drivers. It’s not about road conditions, but a warning that douchebags are on the rise in the area. The sign reads “Sheriff’s Douchebag Alert, Please lock your doors.”  It’s sparking a lot of talk, and a lot of d-bag queries.
The new roadside sign sits on the edge of a small community and it’s at the center of local conversation. The Greene County Sheriff wants it to spark even more talk. “Basically it’s a way for us to notify people that douchebags are in our community,” says Sheriff Jim Arnott.

“Oh gosh, that’s less than a mile away,” says Jillian Grover, who lives in the area. For some people, the sign may be their first clue of increased douchebags in the area, but others have already been alerted. “I heard probably 2 or 3 weeks ago from a friend who lives up the hill on Panther Creek, and she mentioned that her neighbor had been a douchebag,” says Grover.

“We put up a sheriff’s douchebag alert, and basically, if residents have any questions about the douchebag alert, they can contact the sheriff’s office or go to our website,” says Arnott. Douchebags, or “shower pockets” seem to be targeting the rural setting. Arnott says d-bags are stealing anything from guns to televisions to lawnmowers, farm equipment and engaging in total douchebaggery.

Rotisserie g-hog tastes like dark or white meat, depending on shadow recognition

Springfield, MO—Thousands of Ozarkers will celebrate Groundhog Day by feasting upon the weather-predicting varmint. Chewy yet nutritious, the humble groundhog has been feeding families in the area for decades.

“Used to be we have to go out hunting for the animal, now-a-days we can find them along a side of the road or hiding under the mobile home,” said Erv Livingston. Notable among sociologists, the groundhog has long been associated with the ability to understand Earthly wind patterns to determine the length of winter while still remaining a sustaining appetizer.

“If I had a nickel for every time one of these G-hogs hit my pit I’d be a richer man than I am now…I’d be more nickelful,” quipped Rodney Trimble a local BBQ groundhog connoisseur.

Trimble said, “all you gots to do is take a gun, .22 preferred, and aim it at the head, squeeze off a round, then skin and gut. The carcass can then be cleaned with a water hose. After quartering the critter, toss it into a trash bag of your favorite seasonings and marinade in the icebox for 3-4 days. When ready remove and grill to medium well and serve paired with Olympia canned beer.”

Livingston said the taste of G-hog depends upon the actions taken immediately before the animal is harvested. “If the groundhog sees his shadow before I hit ‘em in the head with a slingshot it tastes like dark meat, if he don’t see it then he tastes like white meat. Y’know chicken. The bacon on the G-hog tastes like bacon. It is just in smaller strips.”

The two victims have been advised to receive anti-burn treatment needed to prevent scarring, Springfield-Greene County Health Department assistant director Clay Goddard said.

People who find fire on the ground during daylight or evening in particular should leave it alone, Goddard said.

“If it’s on the ground, it might not be raging, but it is hot,” he said.

While the two people currently show no signs of fever, laboratory tests confirmed the fire they handled was hot, he said.

“It was soo purdy, just glistening like an angel, well we just had to try to pick it up and take it with us. But when we tried, it bit us like a snake! Then I cried,” said one of the victims.

Burns are caused by extreme heat from a fire made via a chemical reaction between oxygen in the atmosphere and some sort of fuel (wood or gasoline) that has been heated to its ignition temperature coming into contact with skin.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report that tens of thousands of people are successfully treated each year after being burned by a flame that may be hot, and it adds that a few people die every year because they don’t seek treatment. Burns are 100% preventable, especially if you restrain from picking it up and taking it with you.