Go Strafford Goatsuckers!

Strafford, MO – After the recent capture of the mythical creature and cryptozoological wonder, the Chupacabra, Strafford school district has decided to adopt the creature as their newest mascot. “Known as the donkey-sucker, we thought it would be the perfect intimidation factor when we play our opponents on the athletic field or on the academic playing ground,” said the District Mascot Director Jalls Uptown.

The Strafford Chupacabras will be represented with a new logo featuring the beast sucking the blood of a goat. New team colors will align with alien grey and donkey-blood red. Local residents are generally supportive of the change. “I think it is a psychological advantage to have our children represented by an animal that was conceived by a ménage a tia between a dog, coyote and alien being because it tells our students that anything is possible,” said a supportive parent.

The creature is relatively unheard in regard to mascot and school representation. According to the American Mascot Association, Chupacabras have been underrepresented in the universe of animal/school association. “A great sense of pride is derived from a mascot, be it a tiger, an eagle or a mythical creature. Whatever icon best represents a community, whatever ties that group together is usually the best option,” said Zed Killerton, AMA representative.

Due to the difficulty in saying the new mascot name, cheerleaders have had difficulty with pronunciation and have settled with “Cha, cha, cha-lupas!” Taco Bell is currently interested in sponsoring the team to promote their Chalupa menu item. Nixa school district is closely monitoring the mascot change and is considering adopting the Nixa Hellhound as their school mascot if Strafford shows success.

Girlfriend only likes cute vampire killers

Springfield, MO- Tom Ragsdale’s, a local boyfriend to Jessica Swanson, entire weekend will be dedicated to the undead thanks to his girlfriend’s love affair with the blood drinkers. “Oh my gosh I am so excited. We are going to see Eclipse on Friday! We are even wearing matching T-Shirts,” exclaimed Jessica to her girlfriend over lunch.

Where the sun burns crimson bright, five children did take flight

Springfield, MO—Local students found that there is a place where the sidewalk ends, before the street begins and near where the grass grows soft and white, where a huge truck must have traversed the walk where they were consumed in plain sight.

One McGregor student victim said, “Let us leave this place where the concrete does crack,” after falling into a storm drain tract. Springfield’s Street Superintendent said, “The mere fact that it collapsed in the manner that it did, requires something very heavy to be on it, a lot heavier than a school kid.”

Officials say they will inspect the area and replace the crumbling infrastructure past the pits where the asphalt fails. “We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow, and watch where the storm drain arrows go,” said City Inspector Gregory Bails.

All of the children escaped with only minor injuries, near where the moon-bird rests from his flight in the trees.

The superintendent confirmed that spot inspections would be resumed, “Yes, we’ll walk with a walk that is measured and slow, and we’ll go where the box culverts go.  For the children, they fell and the children, they know, the place where the sidewalk ends.”

Taking daughter aged wives to work became popular in the 1920s

Springfield, MO—In an effort to inspire and educate the next generation of Springfieldians, Highland Springs Country Club is sponsoring a community-wide ‘Take Your Daughter Aged Wife to Work Day” on Thursday, February 25^th.  “We couldn’t be more excited about this upcoming day,” explains Highland Springs President Roger “Red” Anderson. “This will be a real opportunity for these young women to experience real work.”

The idea was the brainchild of a late night bull session ripe with cigars and brandy. “Bud was the first one who came up with the idea, and his wife is nearly two generations younger than him,” says member Fred Albatross. “We got to thinking that all of our wives do literally nothing all day, every day, and all of our wives are the same age as our daughters, why not show them what real life is like.”

The day will be nostalgic for banker Gerry Merryweather, “I can remember taking my oldest daughter to the bank with me nearly fifteen years ago. Now I have a chance to do it again with my wife. She’ll be giddy to see all that money.”

The wives are indeed looking forward to the day. “I can’t wait,” says Kimberley Albatross. “I think it will be like a real-life reality TV show. I don’t know most of the work words my husband uses when he comes home. What’s a slush fund?”

Anyone in the Springfield area are invited to join in the day, as long as they are at least 20 years older than their wife. Participants are encouraged to have their wives join them in routine tasks of the day. However, the Springfield Area Chamber of Commerce released a statement discouraging participants from allowing their daughter aged wives any real decision making power, “for the best interests of the community.”

Shoppers enjoy up to 15% off for Dr. King's life's work

Springfield, MO—January 18^th marks a day of social awareness, great sacrifice and fantastic deals now through closing at local retail stores.  On this day people of all ages and backgrounds will come together to improve lives by spending less on goods they likely don’t need but would purchase at full retail prices any other time of the year.

Each year more Ozarkians are inspired to participate and get involved in the national holiday. “I think I will participate in the Million Dollars Off March on Macy’s this year, I could use some new slacks,” stated Joanie Pendergrass.

Dr. King devoted his life to equal rights. He taught that through nonviolence and service to one another, problems such as acquiring expensive garments, home décor and other overpriced consumer goods can be overcome.

Recounting the famous “I have a Deal” speech, Earl Jones, a Boliver native, recalled when he heard Dr. King long for a time “when every person in this country can buy one thing and get the next one free”, no matter what their race, religion or creed.

During this year’s day of service, the service industry will heed customer’s every wish. Boxing up gifts, delivering meals and providing non-essential solutions and resources to every man, woman and child.

“I think this day is special because Martin Luther King Jr. has been compared to great teachers such as Ghandi and Jesus, but they never had an entire day devoted in their name where great deals on consumer electronics are commonplace,” said Pastor Fred Cummins.

Vampire Underground members David, Paul, Marko, and Dwayne have personally contributed décor to Hell’s Church that includes refuse — liquor bottles, used deodorant sticks, a cooler, a pair of pants, a table and several junky office chairs, next to a pitched nylon tent.

Guest are encouraged to bring a covered dish to share during the meeting, however, items containing garlic, holy water or stale blood are discouraged. The Vampire Underground’s leader, Max, suggests interested parties RSVP in advance to reserve their spot at the gathering. Max said, “Sleep all day. Party all night. Never grow old. Never die. It’s fun to be a vampire.”

All interested parties should meet at the Springfield Library’s Midtown Carnegie Branch after the moon fills and the crow cries twice; then group leaders will guide groups to the underground meeting space.

Those seeking an “awakening” will be directed to the Springfield cemetery, where “humans” will be prompted to drink the blood of a vampire. Select vampires will also be made available to drink “human” blood to complete the “awakening”. Parties participating are encouraged to make a donation to the group, or at least provide a nominal tip for services provided.

Interviews with the Vampire Underground are available. Blade, Buffy, Edgar and Allen Frog, a.k.a. the Frog Brothers, are not invited.

Former tax attorney thrilled at incarceration during tough economic times

Jefferson City, MO—Missouri‘s Department of Corrections has announced that the state’s prison population has reached an all-time high amid poor economic conditions. This is the first report from a government agency regarding positive growth since mid-2007.

The Department director attributes the fantastic growth numbers to an increase in criminal activity, due to soul-crushing economic pressures. More Missourians are finding that life is easier behind bars. “They get TV time, workout time and a minimum of 30 minutes in the yard. Oh, plus free meals,” said the Director.

“I was on the outside working for a reputable tax company in 2008 when the floor dropped out from underneath me and I found myself jobless. Jobless led to homeless, homeless led to huffin’ gas from a sock under the Martin Luther King bridge in north Springfield, MO, and huffin’ gas from a sock led to criminal activity. Thankfully, I landed in prison where I can be warm, fed, and sculpt my body into a ripped muscular perfection,” said Arty Newbreed, a Greene County Prison inmate.

If this trend continues, projections show Missouri incarcerations outnumbering the non-criminal population, leading to the question of who’s going to pay for the plush accommodations for economic-dodgers turning to a life of crime.

“I get deep discounts on tattoos in the system as well as spiritual advice from a man named Mohammad in lower lock-down C-18. I’m a better person now that I have no financial obligations and can focus on ‘me’ with every waking hour of my day not impeded by meeting deadlines, quotas or answering to a bottom line. Well, sometimes I have to answer to the bottom line, but that’s usually only a thirty minute exercise,” said Newbreed adjusting his trousers.

The Department of Corrections has recently allowed inmates the opportunity to build new additions onto prison grounds.  A group in Southwest Missouri plans to build a bath house complete with hot tub and sauna “so they can relax their criminal tendencies,” said the Department director.