Som-bitch bum posing as Santa Claus on the Polar Express

Branson, MO— The Branson Scenic Railway’s Polar Express has become overrun with hobos and train jumpers claiming to be Saint Nick. Unsavory transients have flocked to the inaugural officially licensed train ride event near the Branson Landing due to the ease of hitching a ride.

“Sure we just go ‘round and come back, but it is still a free ride,” said Samuel Loren a frequent freeloader who has a long beard and slightly resembles Santa Claus. “I just ask the kids what they’d like for Christmas, tell ‘em they’ve been a nasty turd and I ain’t gettin’ them nothin’ this year ‘cept maybe a pile of coal that falls out the coal train,” he continued.

During this Great Recession, several Ozarkers have been forced into a life of wandering and homelessness. Train jumping provides an entertaining way to pass the time. “One day, my old boss and his kids we’re boarding the train and I decided to jump out and scare ‘em real bad. I said ‘the Henderson’s are elf killers!’ That shook up his kids. Serves him right for dumping me in favor of a new printer,” said Roger Grenwich, a former Staples employee.

Polar Express employees have been partially to blame for the nuisance as they give the dinner car scraps to the 21^st century hobos. “if you feed a cat and he wont’ go away, well you shouldn’t have fed that cat,” said an unidentified Branson Scenic Railway conductor. He continued by saying, “people complain about the smell of these men, the unprovoked finger gestures and the occasional booger-flipping that tend to water-down the experience we’ve worked so hard to present to our customers.”

“Hey, with my scraggly beard and tarnished clothes I may look like a bum Santa, but my new found freedom hitching rides on this train makes me feel like the high powered executive I once was,” said Louis DeQalb, a former Fidelity manager who moved to Springfield after he was fired for running a fantasy football pool.