Police face-palmed by handiwork

Springfield, MO – It was reported recently that Springfield City Police had disarmed a man near the train tracks on N. Kansas Expressway, in what was believed to be a stand-off.  However, in a drastic and dyslexic turn of events, it was found that the man had actually been disarmed by the train itself according to the Springfield Police Department.

A 29 year-old man from Libby, Montana had apparently committed suicide days ago by throwing himself in front of a train. His arm had been severed in the impact and then carried by the train all the way to Springfield, where it was discovered by BNSF employees.  They found the arm around 1pm and immediately called the police, only after exhausting all jokes involving “extra hands”, “hands across America”, and the movie “The Fugitive”.  We caught up with one of those workers for a brief interview.

“It’s not every day that you find an arm on the ground. We just had to take advantage of the comedic opportunity while we could. Of course, we did the right thing in the end by reporting it to the police.  After all, Springfield has the most honest and trustworthy BNSF staff in the country, hands down!  …sorry about that last one, I couldn’t help myself,” said BNSF employee Anita Nutter-Army.

The Police Department followed up with an off-hand statement.  “It’s always tragic when someone chooses to take their life. However, we were pleased to find out this man’s identity after a quick hand-off to the Greene-County Medical Examiner’s office.”

Williams packs up his un-funny box

Springfield MO -  John Williams a 12 year employee of Fair City News was fired today for non funny statements made to a local television station.  According to questionable sources John Williams was walking his dog in Phelps Grove Park when he was approached by a reporter from KOLR channel 10.  The reporter asked him how he was enjoying the nice fall weather.  Williams replied, “I enjoy looking at the changes in trees and watching the squirrels run around.”  Those statements were then broadcast on the six and ten o’clock news.
The FCN Human Resource Manager, Nina Headley, issued the following statement concerning the termination of the long time employee.  “Management felt that Mr. Williams statement did not follow the culture of being funny at Fair City News.  He could have answered the question in any number of ways such as, “I can’t wait for the next ice storm to get rid of these trees and then there are countless jokes about squirrels running around gathering their nuts.  It was Mr. Williams choice not to say a funny statement that goes against all the principles FCN stands for.”
Bob Coopla, a political science instructor at Missouri State University said Williams went beyond his role as a satirical-humor journalist by voicing his own non funny opinion.  “His statement was very sloppy,” Coopla said, “It seemed that he was deliberately trying to be serious.  People in that role should not express personal views on any media outlets.  I am sure Fair City News has ethical guidelines that have to be maintained.”
Fair City News had the following final comment, “We wish John Williams the best of luck in the future.  We hope that he seeks counseling for his statements so nothing like this will embarrass himself or his family again.”

Once word of Williams dismissal was announced, he was immediately hired by Springfield’s City Utility.  In his new position he will be the head writer for all statements released by the utility at a salary of $300,000. a year.  CU spokesman John Quitty had the following comments,  “We believe that John Williams many years of writing utter nonsense that people take hook, line and sinker is a valuable asset for us.  Considering all of the stuff we do, John is the perfect fit for us and at a reasonable price at that.”

Woman rides away in car with thief who snatched her purse

Springfield, MO—Incoming Police Chief Paul Williams is impressed that Springfield citizens are responding to his call of a “shared leadership concept”. Recently, a purse snatching episode turning into an arrest due to the heroic actions of a good Samaritan and an alert victim.

Williams plans to reinforce his citizens on patrol effort by bringing in two Tulsa officers he has worked with in the past: Sgt. Mahoney and Officer Zed. “I learned a thing or two working under Commandant Lassard and Captain Harris,” said Williams.

The Springfield Police force is currently understaffed by 40 officers so the citizens of  crescent city are stepping up to fill the void.  Williams said, “I remember Captain Harris wasn’t too keen on the idea of C.O.P. at first, in fact he once referred to C.O.P. as a ‘Collection of Pissants’. But he came around once the results were tallied and the crime rate began to fall.

The president of the Springfield Police Officers Association, said the idea sounds interesting., but will withhold judgment until the plan has time to prive itself. Obviously this past Friday, one more criminal is off the streets thanks to the actions of a man who helped a woman who was driven off to a car wash while trying to retrieve her purse.

Scramblers customers exit shell of restaurant

Springfield, MO—Scramblers diners were sent scrambling after a rogue driver plowed a gas meter and electrical box. The diners were hustled out of the establishment as a precautionary measure by a manager who shouted “Scramble! Scramble! Get Out!”

Scramblers at West Chestnut Expressway was packed at the time and several Customers weren’t immediately sure what to make of the accident. “I was in the middle of ordering my favorite dish and I saw the car out the corner of my eye. It hit as I was ordering and I screamed ‘Cheese and rice!’ which kinda sounded like I was taking the Lord’s name in vein,” said Henry Yulump, who was treating his family to lunch after attending church.

Jenny Craigerson took her time exiting the restaurant, “I was walking out real slow, picking up pieces of uneaten bacon. Hey everybody left all this food behind and I wasn’t going to let it go to waste.”

After the scene settled one customer said, “I don’t like sloppy, slimy eggs, but I did enjoy having my eggs running today. Get it? Running? Eggs?”

Evacuees said they saw the car occupants exit the vehicle and run from the scene. Two passengers were arrested and the police are still searching for the driver who dashed from the diner.

Mastermind counterfeiter, the Duece-Duece, has been passing funny money in the Ozarks

SPRINGFIELD, MO—The Duece-Duece counterfeit mastermind continues to wreak havoc on the Ozarks local economy. Springfield police have confirmed multiple cases of counterfeit cash being passed in the Ozarks already in 2010. Detectives claim they’ve made several arrests but Duece-Duece counterfeit mastermind is still at large.

According to police sketches, the Duece-Duece counterfeiter is a bald white male with a handlebar moustache, 5’ 6” tall who wears a black suit complete with top hat and one bifocal monocle.

Detectives say 20- and 100-dollar bills would seem to be the most commonly counterfeited, however, they’ve seen more and more fake twenty-two dollar bills around town. Giving credence to the growing power of the Ozarks’ Monopoly moneyman.

“The Double Douche will be caught. We will find and apprehend this criminal. Until we do we ask that all citizens, vendors and financial institutions not accept any 22 dollar bills,” said Springfield Police. Since technology is readily available, crooks such as the Duece-Duece are able to produce fake bills to pay for goods and services in everyday life. Unknowing victims are often left empty handed if they take the phony cash.

“I was ringing up some groceries for a fancy lookin’ fella who seemed legit. Nice clothes, funny hat, big ol’ moustache. His total came to $41.50. He handed me two $22 bills and said ‘keep the change’. I was so excited I didn’t even realize that the Treasury Department doesn’t even issue a $22 bill in US currency,” said check out attendant Don Yula.

Springfield persons who are exposed to the fake cash are encouraged to report the incident to the nearest authorities so Duece-Duece can be sent to jail and not pass go.

Truffle Shuffle Gang terrorizes Ozarks' financial institutions

Rolla, MO—In what was initially thought to be the same man robbing three banks, Missouri law enforcement have identified the “Truffle Shuffle Gang” as a dangerous group of fleshy felons. The endomorphic criminal element took police on, “a ride we’ll never forget,” according to Moberly City Policeman, Kevin Diggs. “We thought it was just one super obese guy robbing these banks, but it turns out there are three of these corpulent crooks,” exclaimed Diggs. The robbers are described as 40 to 50 years old, 5’7”, and “so chubby he makes Free Willy look like a tic-tac.”

Rolla police say the robbers not only look similar based on surveillance footage but also shared the same method of operation and get-away vehicle. In each case, the robber, waddled around the rope line dividers, assumingly to avoid ridicule, approached the teller, pulled out a handgun from pants that seemed impossible to squeeze anything else into, pointed it at the teller and demanded money. The suspect took the cash and stuffed into a used Doritos bag. The man exited the bank in what witnesses were calling “painfully slow and kind of funny,” and escaped in a white minivan.

Sedalia Police Chief, Roger Macolm, explained, “these guys shouldn’t be too difficult to apprehend.  We’ve got undercover officers at all Golden Corrals and Logan’s Roadhouse in the state.” Sedalia Police have released photos of what the suspects might look like if they have changed vehicles to novelty-sized motorcycles.

Cranster about to sooth her meth mouth with an Old Fashioned Meth Float from Sonic's Meth Menu.

Cape Girardeau, MO—Seeking to steal share from the QSR burger industry, a Sonic restaurant employee developed a stimulating and illegal menu of methamphetamine infused menu items. The new Meth Menu debut was halted by police who were called to the store in Missouri in the wee hours on Thursday morning.

The shift manager, 22-year-old Dennis Bratcher, arrested for developing the psyhcostimulant burgers, shakes and sides hoped to create craveable snacks and meals that triggered a cascading release of dopamine and norepinephrine. The insatiable craving for Meth Menu items was believed to be a fool-proof way to increase traffic, and same-store sales.

In eloquent fashion Brachter pleaded his case by saying, “we aign’t got shat ta do ‘round here ‘cept flame up some buzzard dust and drink KooLAID. Might as well be droppin’ some bugger sugar in the brown bag special, right?”

Meth Menu items slated for distribution to meth heads included the Chicken Club Tubby Toaster, Bache Rock Double Burger, Crack Whore Foot-long Coney and the SuperSonic Meth Combo. To satiate the needs of consumers with Meth Mouth, Crank Chillers and the Old Fashioned Meth Float were to be sold with a collectible tooter.

One speed freak, known only as Krista, said, “I was tweekin’ for some chili-cheese twack tots from Sonic, guess I’ll have to make my own to sooth my crank caters now.”

When reached for comment Sonic officials said, “we can’t believe this is happening. We’re pulling out of the Show-Me state effective immediately before further damage is done to our reputation by these cranksters.”

700 Person Melee Nets One Arrest

Springfield, MO—It took nearly 50 police officers to settle a brawl involving hundreds of people in downtown Springfield this past weekend leading to one arrest and one pissed police chief.

According to the Springfield Police Department the incident began at about 12:45 a.m. with a fight among a large group of people inside Remmingtons Downtown. Security pushed the instigators outside where the brawl eventually became a series of smaller fights among 600 to 700 people.

“I would say I assaulted about 12-15 people with my boot-to-the-face hop-kick,” said an elusive woman identified only as “Kiss-andrea”. The fisticuffs eventually shut down a segment of Campbell Avenue where officers formed a blockade line to help control the crowd.

There were no significant injuries. There was only one arrest of a person with a gun.
“One arrest. Seriously? That’s it? You go back out there and find some perps!” said Springfield Police Chief, “go get that Kuss-andra woman for crying out loud!” he continued.

It took about 45 minutes to clear the crowd; there were 40 Springfield officers at the scene and up to 10 Greene County officers. And one arrest.

Recap: 700 street fighters, more than 50 officers, 45 minutes of fighting, one street closure and one arrest. One arrest.

A Stockton criminal enjoys the lawless benefits of his city

Stockton, MO—After seven years without a policing entity, Stockton may decide to bring back the boys in blue. Maybe. Perhaps. The city saves $26,000 a year by freeloading on law enforcement from Cedar County.

Residents say they’d feel better if a police presence was felt within their community. Criminals say they’d feel better if the police force were left out. The Cedar County Sheriff’s Department is responsible for the entire county and is spread thin trying to cover all law enforcement issues in the county and cover Stockton’s lack of law enforcement.

“I’d like to see this type of policy adopted across several cities in Southwest Missouri,” said one smash and dash petty criminal. He elaborated by saying legislation and taxpayer burden shouldn’t be stressed further by unnecessary law enforcement.

This year the City of Stockton is negotiating with the county to bring in a law man, perhaps even one that can ride a horse and patrol the streets. “With all of the 20th century technology – social media – what-have-you out there, you’d think we could locate a deputy or US Marshall from a bygone era to watch our city’s streets!” screamed one irate citizen. “How about that?!” he continued.

Stockton will meet with the county commissioners Monday to discuss the plan. If the city and county can’t reach an agreement the community may decide to declare a state of martial law.

In other news, water was found on the moon. For real. Water. On. The. Moon.