Jesus laughing at own shadow, ushering in rapture

Springfield, MO–As reported by KY3 news, Family Radio evangelist Harold Camping has the nation on edge as he has predicted that “Judgment Day” will occur on May 21, 2011. However, a local evangelist has a different twist on the matter.

Moe Lester is a deacon at the First Reformed Second Baptist Lutheran Church in Springfield. He claims Camping has the date right but is missing an important piece of the equation for what Judgment Day really is.

“Just because that is the day Jesus is coming, it doesn’t mean he will necessarily bring an end to the world that day. It all depends on if Jesus sees his shadow or not on Judgment Day. Sort of like Groundhog Day but more of a holy Groundhog Day.”

Lester claims he received this revelation when he flew from Branson Airport to visit Punxsutawney Phil this year during the famous Groundhog Day celebration in Pennsylvania.  “I had been standing there all day drinking rum and cider to keep warm and finally the little critter came out. Just before he saw his shadow he stood up and stared at me right in the eyes and told me if Jesus saw his shadow on May 21, 2011 then that would mean 6 more years of the world as it is. I don’t really remember the rest of the day. Not sure if it was the rum or my brain was in shock from such a holy event.”

The last prediction was on May21, 2005. “Obviously Jesus saw his shadow then.” states Lester “Fortunately for us the Lord keeps coming with the sun behind his back. Let’s hope Judgment Day doesn’t coincide with the next lunar eclipse.”

Rotisserie g-hog tastes like dark or white meat, depending on shadow recognition

Springfield, MO—Thousands of Ozarkers will celebrate Groundhog Day by feasting upon the weather-predicting varmint. Chewy yet nutritious, the humble groundhog has been feeding families in the area for decades.

“Used to be we have to go out hunting for the animal, now-a-days we can find them along a side of the road or hiding under the mobile home,” said Erv Livingston. Notable among sociologists, the groundhog has long been associated with the ability to understand Earthly wind patterns to determine the length of winter while still remaining a sustaining appetizer.

“If I had a nickel for every time one of these G-hogs hit my pit I’d be a richer man than I am now…I’d be more nickelful,” quipped Rodney Trimble a local BBQ groundhog connoisseur.

Trimble said, “all you gots to do is take a gun, .22 preferred, and aim it at the head, squeeze off a round, then skin and gut. The carcass can then be cleaned with a water hose. After quartering the critter, toss it into a trash bag of your favorite seasonings and marinade in the icebox for 3-4 days. When ready remove and grill to medium well and serve paired with Olympia canned beer.”

Livingston said the taste of G-hog depends upon the actions taken immediately before the animal is harvested. “If the groundhog sees his shadow before I hit ‘em in the head with a slingshot it tastes like dark meat, if he don’t see it then he tastes like white meat. Y’know chicken. The bacon on the G-hog tastes like bacon. It is just in smaller strips.”