Easter Bunny pleads for eggs

Springfield, MO- In a press conference yesterday the Easter Bunny gave a desperate plea to the children of the earth: leave my eggs alone. During the conference he stated how every year he purposely hides his eggs so they can hatch and grow up to be healthy bunnies.

“I know you might not know the life cycle of mystical rabbits so here we go: when a mommy mystical rabbit and a daddy love each other they make eggs and the daddy hides them for safety so they can grow big and strong. Unless, of coarse, evil children find them and eat the fetuses.”

The confusion comes from the eggs themselves. The eggs are much different than eggs of chickens and snakes. They are multicolored, plastic feeling, and have a seam circling the equator. Also the embryos look much like jelly beans then develop into fetuses that look exactly like foil wrap chocolate. Either way, they are both delicious.

“The worst is after they hatch. Infant Easter bunnies are comatose and are covered with a hard chocolate shell that protects them from lesser enemies, but is ineffective to their number one predator: 2nd graders,” says a tearful Easter Bunny at the press conference. “And they also go for the ears first. Oh God, why the ears?”

Even though the eggs are mostly hidden in bushes around houses, some are found around churches. But, never around schools or synagogues. “I just hope one day I can be father,” said the Easter bunny. “But, with those evil little monsters around, it will be impossible.”

Man practices yoga in meat locker

Springfield, MO – Yoga aficionados across the globe are looking to Southwest Missouri for a new form of inspirational stretching while being subjected to cold, freezing conditions known as Frozen Yoga. “I’ve never seen anything like it, very inspiring,” said highly respected yoga master B.K.S. Iyengar from his home in India.

“Frozen Yoga is a physical, mental, and spiritual discipline but in a freezer. Like Rocky’s meat locker, these yoga people are putting more into their workout than any other person. Yoga is easy, hot yoga is hard, but frozen yoga is the most difficult yoga ever, period,” said Neil Kilomason, originator of the frigid exercise.

In a moderate or heated environment, muscles are free to move and be flexible. Frozen Yoga is designed to stiffen the muscles to prevent flexibility, thus rewarding the individual who attains a state of perfect spiritual insight and tranquility who can overcome the weather. “Frozen yoga is impossible. I tried the downward husky, which is really just the downward dog but in sub-zero temperatures, and I couldn’t do it as my muscles were convulsing from the hypothermia setting in,” said Jessica Blazomyged.

“Frozen yoga separates the zen from the masters,” said Kilomason as he turned a King Eskimo Pose (king pigeon pose), “While studying in the mountains of Tibet, I once locust posed down the side of a cliff while maintaining total consciousness.”

Frozen Yoga classes are being offered now and participants can join classes in the meat hanging department of the Springfield Underground.

Gray bunny still top hare

Springfield, MO—Retired Playboy Bunnies sprung up this morning across Springfield’s major intersections. The aged gals wore traditional Easter Bunny costumes announcing that the Holy Day was coming as if it were the end of the world. Most passerby’s simply honked in appreciation.

One thoroughly surprised traveler was shocked when he stopped his car and got out to say hello. Dicky Fullbright, from Neosho, said he was invited to visit the Roxy Nightclub tonight by Bunny Hoppalot. Bunny said, “I am in town from Vegas because I heard there was a lot of action here. Posing as the holiday character seemed like an ironic and yet discreet way to find new clientele in the Bible belt and  the Springfield/Branson area fits my demographic.”

Bunny went on to say, “If things are as hot as they say they are, I might just plant myself here permanently, it seems like a nice place to ride into the sunset.”

The ancient bunnies went so far as to proposition some Johns-to-be with either artificial egg insemination or prostitution. Candy Freely said, “I’m might be a retired Playboy but I’m not dead. I still have several fertile years ahead of me and I want to get the biggest bang for my buck. Besides, I heard there was a vacancy down at the Vandivort building that has space for just my kind of services.”

A book burning display will be featured in Greene County libraries this fall

Springfield, MO—The Springfield-Greene County Library District will unveil new  burning books displays this week at its six campuses. A prominent endcap will be constructed in each location that will house several books set on fire in an attempt to educate the public on past book burnings.

The burning of books has a long history as a tool wielded by authorities both secular and religious, in efforts to suppress dissenting or heretical views that are perceived as posing a threat to the prevailing order. The library says it wants to expose students both young and old to different and challenging ideas, because that is what free speech is all about.

“Holy freaking crap, they are burning books inside the library! That can’t be possible can it!?” said one library patron, Julie Kumlio. “I mean, there has to be a law against that these days, especially setting fires inside public buildings.”

A library spokesperson says a new canon of works will be torched each week to demonstrate the power of the destructive and symbolic act. “The burnings will begin in early September starting with ancient Chinese philosophy books, then Jewish holy books, followed closely by Roman history books and Torah and sorcery scrolls. By the end of the fall we hope to have moved onto more recent works including Christian books, the writings of Priscillian and even pop culture references such as the Beatles albums,” said the source.

Lady Gaga selected to headline next years' I Love America Celebration

Springfield, MO – James River Assembly stunned local church watchers today announcing Lady Gaga as the headliner for next years’ I Love America annual celebration. A volunteer spokesperson for the Super-Center sized church said, “Lady Gaga was snatched from the jaws of drug addition by her dearly beloved dead Aunt Joanne and she has a real testimonial to share.”

According to a JRA insider one of the 24-Hour Prayer-Line Warrior volunteers learned of the Gaga dead Aunt Joanne connection while casually surfing the web waiting for hot-line calls in the middle of the night. A call-center volunteer told FCN, “Not a lot of prayer requests at 3:00 AM, so we typically Google somebody or fire off an occasional Tweet, maybe catch up on Facebook.” The annual celebration draws over 60,000 people and features all day “preachin’, singin’, and dinner on the grounds, concluding with a HOO-BOY fire and brimstone Come-To-Jesus pyrotechnical climax,” shouted longtime JRA volunteer Sarah June Graham-Cracker.

The JRA announcement comes on the heels of Gaga publicists revealing earlier this week that the quirky star’s unauthorized biography, Lady Gaga: Behind the Fame is due to hit bookstores soon. Ms. Gaga is known for blockbuster hits, I Like It Rough, So Happy I Could Die and Shake Ur Kitty. Gaga show producers tell FCN, “I Love America fans can expect a fabulous Red, White, & Blue, Holy Ghost romp and stomp good time at 65 & Division this July 4^th.” Lady Gaga will be joined on stage by the combined JRA choirs and orchestra for a patriotic musical extravaganza unlike anything ever seen, or as Sister Graham-Cracker, exalted, “Extrav-a-gaga baby!”

This will be Gaga’s first time to the Ozarks prompting local Gaga handlers to reveal, “We have a full day planned including a VIP tour of Pro-Bass and a book-signing at the Wal-Marts.”

Woman rolls on the floor, laughing her yoga ass off

Springfield, MO—Laughter yoga classes will be offered next month at ROTFLMAO located in the Glen Isle Shopping Plaza on South Glenstone avenue. Laughter yoga or laughter therapy promises to relieve stress and strengthen the immune system through strange body movements and hysterical fake laughing.

Combining the art of yoga with the element of laughter is sweeping the globe from Zimbabwe to Venezuela, Chicago to Springfield said ROTFLMAO owner and certified laughter yoga leader Joan Millford. “We named our studio in netspeak because we want people to roll on the floor, laughing their assess off,” she said.

Sherry Likun, a clinical psychologist at Forest Institute, said laughter can dispel “stressful emotions. You can’t be angry, sad or anxious while you’re laughing your ass off, rolling on the floor. ROTFLMAO is relaxing and recharging.” She also says laughter can shield the heart by improving the function of the blood vessels and increasing blood flow.

“IDK, when I heard about it I lulzed in my pants. I mean OMG I’m a noob at ROTFLMAO but I’d do it maybe, I’ll get B2U,” texted Angie Amerson upon learning about the new laughing yoga studio.

Does laughing yoga work? Doctors have been studying laughter ever since the 1970s when author Norman Cousins was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and beat it by reputedly watching repeated episodes of “Candid Camera.”

Zodiac icons designed by Aaron Thweatt

Where the sun burns crimson bright, five children did take flight

Springfield, MO—Local students found that there is a place where the sidewalk ends, before the street begins and near where the grass grows soft and white, where a huge truck must have traversed the walk where they were consumed in plain sight.

One McGregor student victim said, “Let us leave this place where the concrete does crack,” after falling into a storm drain tract. Springfield’s Street Superintendent said, “The mere fact that it collapsed in the manner that it did, requires something very heavy to be on it, a lot heavier than a school kid.”

Officials say they will inspect the area and replace the crumbling infrastructure past the pits where the asphalt fails. “We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow, and watch where the storm drain arrows go,” said City Inspector Gregory Bails.

All of the children escaped with only minor injuries, near where the moon-bird rests from his flight in the trees.

The superintendent confirmed that spot inspections would be resumed, “Yes, we’ll walk with a walk that is measured and slow, and we’ll go where the box culverts go.  For the children, they fell and the children, they know, the place where the sidewalk ends.”

Zodiac icons designed by Aaron Thweatt

Emoticons help ease life's harsh messages

Ozark, MO—A local Chinese restaurant is using emoticons to break unfortunate fortune cookie messages to customers. Several diners at the River Dragon on Highway 14 in Ozark were introduced to the new after dinner traditional snack and had mixed emotions.

“’:) You make a bad day worse ’ was my awful message when I cracked open the fortune cookie. The happy face emoticons distracted me from the gloomy fortune and I was smiling until Herb, who was eating with me, pointed out his fortune,” said Cody Yula, a frequent customer of the restaurant.

The River Dragon claims that not all fortune cookies produce encouraging or fruitful messages. Management claims that they want to “give it to the customers straight” and not sugar coat the realities of life. However, they did decide to soften the harsh realities by bookending the cryptic script with fun, flirty emoticons.

“Ah yeah, mine said ‘:P You will have no problems in your house ’ which was cool until I realized all of the problems I might encounter after leaving my house. The tongue–out emoticon really caught my attention and gave me pause,” said Herb Gentry, Yula’s lunch buddy.

“How am I suppose to take this ‘;) A great sum of money is coming your way ’? I was laid off last March and my savings are depleted…but I do enjoy the winking smiley face. Its as if this fortune knows me. Right fortune cookie a great sum is coming my way, gotcha,” said Joanne Fredricks, a single mom of two struggling to make it day-to-day.

River Dragon suggests reading the fortune message in different tones of voice to truly appreciate the intent of the copy. For example, ‘>:| You are respected among peers >:|’ could be read with an emphasis/question on the first word such as, “>:| You are well respected among peers? >:|”