Ozarkers add smoke stacks to their homes, burn coal, emit C02, and abandon recycling to "Go Black"

Springfield, MO— Citizens are banding together in a grassroots movement to toss aside their “Green” lifestyles in favor of “Going Black” to encourage global warming and increase local temperatures. Sub arctic temperatures have terrorized Southwest Missouri, welcoming snow and ice that has caused discomfort, irritation and a general lack of production. Ozarkers are welcoming global warming this week with hopes to thaw the area by “Going Black”.

“Man, I’ve been buying extra gasoline and burning it in my backyard to speed up Global Warming, this cold weather is not for me,” said a homeless hippy who previously had considered himself a tree hugging environmentalist. Others have staged slash and burn events to encourage deforestation.

Avid recycler Joyce Fischer said, “I haven’t recycled anything the past two week and in fact I even took plastic bags at the grocery store the other day instead of using my green-bag to hold my groceries. C’mon global warming, I’m tired of these frigid temperatures.”

“I traded in my Toyota Prius for a gas guzzling ’89 Ford Bronco today, to help increase toxins in the atmosphere so my driveway can be cleaned,” said Coleen Shermore a local fourth grade teacher. “I even added two smoke stacks to my home to burn coal on the weekends. I’m encouraging all of my familys to do the same,” she continued. Reawakening the phenomenon known as global warming is thought to help release the icy grip that old man winter has on the Ozarks.

Scientist are quick to agree. “Since the industrial revolution we have done a lot of damage to the Earth, causing temperatures to rise. However, our recent efforts to reverse global warming have been so effective that we are in a global freeze period. I would encourage every person to “Go Black” so we can enjoy the tropical weather we all love so much,” said ecologist and geothermal pioneer Huey Thimble. “The more carbon dioxide we get into the air now, the quicker we can thaw out our gardens.”

“The restrooms themselves are a showcase themselves,” said the theater’s Assistant Executive Assistant to the Executive Producer’s Assistant, John’da Leeky confusing herself.

“Everytime I walk in there it’s (gasp) this can’t be! What a waste of effin’ money!” says Jimmy Ilvine of Indiana. “I could take this eagle’s beak sink spigot, sell it on eBay and pay my mortgage for 3 years instead of enjoying this conspicuous defecation.”

“Yeah, talk about pissin’ your money away,” says Alicia Stark of Lee’s Summit, Mo. as she wiped her nose with a 1934 $10 bill pulled from a tissue case stocked with the uncirculated collector’s currency.

“It’s not walking into a restroom, it’s walking into a giant toilet bowl where money is flushed away by the minute,” says Stark.

For the ladies: fresh flowers, crystal chandeliers, and a spritz of perfume made from freshly crushed Faberge eggs by restroom attendant Shirley.

For the men: lionhead sinks, magical wiper blades, iced urinals, and a pool table. Sometimes, the big man stops by for a game himself.

“Mr. Tabuchi likes to come up sometimes and play a game of pool with our guests,” says Leeky.

“Looked to me like he was hitting them balls pretty well – he’s handled a few before,” says Ilvine, who once witnessed a game, “handled a few cue balls, y’know, not my 8-ball, but his own stripes and solids….ah, come to think of it, a shuffle board table would be more appropriate in this particular location.”

If you’ve always heard but never witnessed the old saying “throwing money thrown down the drain” make sure you head down to Branson this weekend and visit this unique Ozarks destination.

If you’d like to vote, check out http://www.BestRestroom.com