Republic shreds evil phonebook with pure hands

Republic, MO – By a decisive vote of 4-0 the Republic school board decided to ban all phone books from their schools due to the “offensive and ungodly” contents found within. The decision came as a complete shock to all sane people but seemed perfectly acceptable to those who supported the board’s recent decision to remove Slaughterhouse Five and Twenty Boy Summer from the school’s libraries.

When asked why the phone book came under scrutiny and how the board reached its unanimous decision, one board member, who chose to remain unnamed for this article, claimed that “vulgar names and references are sprinkled throughout it.” When asked to specify, the source mentioned the many appearances of “Dick.”

“There’s a Dick Short, which reads as Short Dick. There’s Dick Handler, Dick Weed, and even a Dick Whacker. And after what Seinfeld did to Delores…well that has to be monitored too. It’s awful. Just awful,” said the source. When asked about the claims of “ungodliness,” the source mentioned dozens of names that were “clearly names of Muslami [sic] terrorists.”

“I can’t even tell you how many Muhammads, Kareems, and Ahmeds I found in that book. And we can’t have kids reading that. I mean, what if they started thinking there were other religions than Christianity?” After being reminded that there are in fact other religions, the source merely chuckled.

Another factor that led to the phone book’s removal was the recent discovery of urbandictionary.com by some members of the board. Apparently, after looking up several words and terms on the site the board members became convinced that the phone book was nothing more than a laundry list of “filthy and depraved sexual references,” said the source. “I always thought gas station just meant a place to get gas. I didn’t know that it was code for…well…I can’t even say.”

The minutes from the school board meeting are not yet available, so it is unclear what each member had to say on the matter. However, according to the source, only one of the four had ever opened the phone book.

Two teachers at KHS display their school Snuggies

Springfield MO -  In an effort to reduce energy costs in the Springfield public schools, all teachers will be wearing the popular “Snuggie” in the classroom.  “We recently sent out a memorandum stating that due to high energy consumption,  personal space heaters, coffee makers, refrigerators, popcorn makers, and microwave ovens will no longer be allowed in the classroom.  To make up for the loss of these items, Snuggies will be issued to the teachers instead.  The Snuggies will be in the school colors which would help promote school spirit as well,” commented Greg Snootman, the school district’s light bulb manager.

“We had tinkered with other ideas to help with the heat like allowing staff to park their cars with the engine running in the school gym or cafeteria when those areas were not in use. We tossed out that plan because nobody could figure out where to put the handicap parking spaces as required by law,” added Snootman.

The R-12 school district will also not turn air conditioners on in warmer weather.  Instead teachers will be issued flip flops and wrap around beach towels again in the proper school colors.  Initial feedback from the teachers union was negative at first, but some teachers like Ron Appleman thought the change was for the good.  “The best thing about this is not having to figure out what to put on in the morning. Just get out of bed, have a cup of coffee, put on the Snuggie and head out the door.  With a Snuggie I don’t have to wear a tie anymore,” boasted Appleman.
While not allowing teachers to have these energy using devices, students will be allowed to bring their own space heaters and the like into the classrooms.

Ozarkers wish to pay out-of-state vendors with Zimbabwean Dollars

Springfield, MO—Fortunately, public service leaders, such as the Springfield School District, are making the tough call to outsource much needed local project work to non-Missourians.

“Ozarkers pay a lot of good money in taxes to pay for upgrades in public facilities and we’re here to protect our residents from the incapable architects in this community who seek to gobble up local money on local projects,” said an SPS official as he was headed to an interview with a Nebraska school district after swinging by Omaha architectural firm BCDM.

According to reports, several architects were angered by the decision to hire an out-of-state vendor to handle projects such as Harrison and Westport Elementary renovations. “I guess if we get ridder of our official and ship ‘em to Nebraska to be superintendent, he’ll likely turn around and hire us for improvements to Lincoln, NE projects,” said a local jobless architect.

Indications suggest that the Springfield Convention and Visitors Bureau will also take to favoring the road team to as they hand off their marketing needs to an advertising firm in Florida.

“Unemployment in this area is a serious concern. Fortunately our public funds are available to use as we see fit to help other communities rebuild their economies,” quipped a spokesperson.

Springfieldians are requesting to pay their local tax dollars in the lesser valued Zimbabwean dollar as that country seems to be going through a rough time and “their money is printed on top quality paper, not like a flimsy pulp used to wipe one’s backside.”

Ribbons proved too tempting at cutting ceremony

Springfield, MO—A planned celebration took a turn for the worse today as several children’s hair bows were snipped during the Hickory Hills ribbon cutting ceremony. The planned activities called for school district leaders to cut a gigantic blue ribbon to celebrate the LEED certified educational facility, unfortunately, several children were chased by parents and teachers running with scissors struggling to cut hair ribbons in the student’s hair.

“I screamed ‘don’t run with scissors, don’t run with scissors’ but the adults weren’t listening. They all wanted to cut a ribbon. And I had a big yellow bow tied in my hair. It was shredded in a matter of minutes,” said fourth grader Allie Sims.

The dedication ceremony scene was likened to watching hounds chase rabbits as parents and teachers chased students who scattered hap hazardously to save their hair decorations. Most boys were not pursued and left to observe the unusual ritual. “I was really surprised…it was awesome,” said fifth grader Joe Thurman, “those adults can run real fast!”

“I’m not sure what happened to me. I saw a ribbon sliced in two, and then there was a pair of snips in my hand… I was overcome with scissor fever and I had to cut ribbon for myself!” said an unidentified parent.

The district is still trying to figure out what to do with the scraps of ribbon produced during the ribbon massacre. As the new building at East Division and Farm Road 193 is environmentally friendly, they are currently researching a green way to reuse the material.

Original designs under consideration by the Nixa school district for new athletics logo.

Nixa, MO—Given the close proximity to the Philadelphia Eagles existing logo, the Nixa school district is considering new unique designs to avoid any legal ramifications. After an exhaustive search online, several new designs have been identified. The public is welcome to vote for their favorite design here.

“Our current logo was designed by a person with little regard for copyright and trademark laws. Now, we’re moving in a new direction sourcing our own artwork to define who we are as an organization,” said Coach Yuggs, Nixa dodge ball coach.

“As a small town, I thought we were being really clever not going with a tiger for the school’s mascot. Then I see our eagle logo was compromised from the start. We might as well be a bank; the only animal banks can associate with are eagles!” said a visibly upset Freddy Unifern, Nixa HS sophomore.

Nixa citizens are also asking officials to investigate changes into other questionable icons in the community including the famous Nixy Cheesesteak Sandwich stand as well as the city’s catchphrase “Town of Brotherly Love.”

“Unoriginal thoughts sicken me. I want this new logo to fly like an eagle, to the sea. Fly like an eagle, let my spirit carry me. I want to fly like and eagle ‘till I’m free. Fly through this logo revolution,” said Nibbs Succoffy, local Nixa resident.