Cage match for Greene County

Springfield MO.-  The ongoing feud between presiding Greene County Commissioner Jim Viebrock and Greene County Sheriff Jim Arnott will soon be settled when they wrestle each other in a steel cage match at the shrine mosque later next month.  What will be the main event for the night is being billed as “The Battle between the two Jimmys”.

It will feature a no holds barred, no disqualifications, winner take all match to be settled in a steel cage.  Jim “The Vivacious One” Viebrock says he can’t wait for this to be settled once and for all so he can move on to other business in Greene County.  “That Heinrich Himmler look alike has been running his mouth telling me what to do for too long.”, commented the Vivacious One. “Once we get into the ring and that door is shut he is going to find out who is really in charge in Greene County. I guarantee the people of Greene County that I am going to be there.”

Jim “The Anvil” Arnott said, “That mealy mouth smart boy has been ducking from me for too long.  He has been hiding behind his comments in the newspaper and running his pie hole on TV and radio. Once that steel door shuts there won’t be any desk to hide behind.  I guarantee my fans who are the posse, that I am going to be there.”
Other feature matches on the card include a match for the vacated Greene County Parks Director title.  The interim director Bob “The Bouncer” Belote will face from parts unknown “The Search Committee”.  “I don’t know a thing about “The Search Committee,” said “The Bouncer”.  I just hope my fans rally around the hometown boy. The one thing I can promise you is that I am going to be there.”

Divas will also be on the card. Female TV personalities from all the local stations will compete in a giant battle royal.  The winner of the match will take on the queen of Ozarks television, KY3 champion Lisa Rose for the title.  “In all honesty I hope someone that doesn’t work at KY3 wins the match,” stated “The Lovely Lisa” Rose.  “I truly love all the women that I work with.  But if that doesn’t happen and say someone like Maria Neider wins the match, I will hit her in the head with a steel chair to keep my title.  The one thing my fans can count one is that I am going to be there.”

Sherwood Forrest houses robbing criminals in this 'hood.

Springfield, MO—Greene County Sheriff’s deputies have tracked an outlaw gang to a Southside neighborhood in Greene County known as Sherwood Forrest located off highway 160 or Campbell Avenue. According to reports, the gang is responsible for multiple thefts across the city, numerous acts of mischief and several drive by arrow shootings.

Local resident Gloria Shiffold said, “I’ve lived in Sherwood Forrest for several years and I’ve never been afraid to leave my house. But now that this group of outlaws are hiding here I worry that I might be robbed of my fondest treasures.”

Apparently police have staked out the location known to house the criminals and found nothing more than a few scraps of green clothing, a recently used fire pit and a few stray arrowheads.

A police spokesperson confessed, “We know they are stealing high dollar items from luxury neighborhoods in the Springfield area. We just aren’t sure where they are keeping the loot. To date we have reports of a missing 56” flat screen television, a stolen Bentley and hoards of jewelry. You’d think we’d be able to find a stash such as this within their hideout.”

As recently as last week, SPD had one suspect in custody identified as Marion of Loxley County, Alabama. However, the suspected band of men hiding out in Sherwood Forrest released her after a daring jailbreak.

According to a flyer posted in Sherwood Forrest, Greene County Sheriff’s deputies plan to oust the gang leader by holding an impromptu archery contest at the parking lot of Bass Pro Shops this Saturday.

Douchebags invade eastern Greene County

Oak Grove Heights, MO—A blinking highway sign in eastern Greene County is catching the attention of drivers. It’s not about road conditions, but a warning that douchebags are on the rise in the area. The sign reads “Sheriff’s Douchebag Alert, Please lock your doors.”  It’s sparking a lot of talk, and a lot of d-bag queries.
The new roadside sign sits on the edge of a small community and it’s at the center of local conversation. The Greene County Sheriff wants it to spark even more talk. “Basically it’s a way for us to notify people that douchebags are in our community,” says Sheriff Jim Arnott.

“Oh gosh, that’s less than a mile away,” says Jillian Grover, who lives in the area. For some people, the sign may be their first clue of increased douchebags in the area, but others have already been alerted. “I heard probably 2 or 3 weeks ago from a friend who lives up the hill on Panther Creek, and she mentioned that her neighbor had been a douchebag,” says Grover.

“We put up a sheriff’s douchebag alert, and basically, if residents have any questions about the douchebag alert, they can contact the sheriff’s office or go to our website,” says Arnott. Douchebags, or “shower pockets” seem to be targeting the rural setting. Arnott says d-bags are stealing anything from guns to televisions to lawnmowers, farm equipment and engaging in total douchebaggery.

The Predator eagerly anticipates new home at Predator World

Branson West, MO—Predator World owners plan to reopen the facility with one new attraction in January. The new attraction will feature an unknown extraterrestrial species, referred only to as the Predator.

“What we do know is that the new attraction is a large, sapient and sentient humanoid creature who may or may not possess advanced technology such as active camouflage and energy weapons, and are capable of interstellar travel,” said Sheriff Richard Hill.

A spokesperson for Predator World said, “Adding the Predator is the crown jewel to Predator World. We feel that this new attraction will bring more tourists to the area and increase tax revenue for the city of Branson West.”

Last Friday the Stone County Sheriff‘s Department, Fire Department, and the Missouri Humane Society invaded “Predator World,” known for housing exotic animals and shut it down due to multiple violations. In light of these facts, it seems questionable that a company unable to control an earthly predator population would introduce an alien predator to suspect conditions.

Security issues remain a major cause of concern as the Predator’s body is resilient to damage, capable of recovering from multiple gunshot wounds and can absorb radiation doses which would be fatal to humans.

“Number one, how did they get this thing in captivity? Number B, how do they expect to keep him caged and not terrorizing the Ozarks? They already let two wolves out last year,” said an enraged resident upon hearing the news. “I’ll go once to say I saw it,” he added.

The Stone County Sheriff says due to Missouri statutes, all exotic animals in Predator World must be registered with the state including the Yautja and Hish species.

A Stockton criminal enjoys the lawless benefits of his city

Stockton, MO—After seven years without a policing entity, Stockton may decide to bring back the boys in blue. Maybe. Perhaps. The city saves $26,000 a year by freeloading on law enforcement from Cedar County.

Residents say they’d feel better if a police presence was felt within their community. Criminals say they’d feel better if the police force were left out. The Cedar County Sheriff’s Department is responsible for the entire county and is spread thin trying to cover all law enforcement issues in the county and cover Stockton’s lack of law enforcement.

“I’d like to see this type of policy adopted across several cities in Southwest Missouri,” said one smash and dash petty criminal. He elaborated by saying legislation and taxpayer burden shouldn’t be stressed further by unnecessary law enforcement.

This year the City of Stockton is negotiating with the county to bring in a law man, perhaps even one that can ride a horse and patrol the streets. “With all of the 20th century technology – social media – what-have-you out there, you’d think we could locate a deputy or US Marshall from a bygone era to watch our city’s streets!” screamed one irate citizen. “How about that?!” he continued.

Stockton will meet with the county commissioners Monday to discuss the plan. If the city and county can’t reach an agreement the community may decide to declare a state of martial law.

In other news, water was found on the moon. For real. Water. On. The. Moon.