Long line of people waiting to eat pork products, which may include ribs, but not necessarily

Springfield, MO – In order to better define what the Rock n’ Ribs visitor experience is officials have renamed the local benefit for the 2013 event to Pork n’ Lines.  According to people who went to the event, no ribs were actually served and the lines and lines of people were long enough to be a defining moment in anyone’s life.

“Crowds of people who expect to eat ribs is what this country was founded on. If we can’t offer cooked bone-in rib meat to people in an orderly and quick fashion for charity, then we should rename the event to something that is achievable,” said Timothy Ukiomwere, a recent visitor.

The lines in the name Pork ‘n Lines, is meant to not only represent the lines of people waiting to eat pulled pork but also the lines of traffic into and out of the event. Pork is meant to symbolize the pig meat consumed for charity.

The 2013 Pork ‘n Lines is currently seeking sponsors and has lined up special events for corporate sponsorship including “Waiting in Line”, “Eating Pork Contest” and “Waiting to Execute a Left Hand Turn”. Interested parties should contact the office directly where they will be placed on hold and accommodated by listening to an audible reading of William Shatner ‘s interpretive “Three Little Pigs”.

Neighbors watch as Crumbly-Building Man fails to save his beloved home

Springfield, MO – The former “Costume Shop” near downtown Springfield at Main Avenue and W. Nichols Street collapsed despite the efforts of superhero Crumbly-Building Man, who was eating lunch close-by at Pappy’s Place.

“He comes in every week for the lunch special. But today was different. During lunch he kept mentioning that his ‘crumbly-building senses’ were tingling. I thought he grabbed the hot sauce by mistake and was having a heat stroke….I never really thought he was a real superhero, until now,” said regular Pappy’s diner Kevin Halsted.

According to sources, Crumbly-Building Man jumped up out of his seat, exited Pappy’s then attempted to hold up the old Costume Shop building. “He moved fast, real fast. Like a speeding train, or a bullet. He saved an old lady by moving her out of the way before he grabbed onto the 100-year-old structure, trying to hold it in place,” said Norm Yallow a nearby resident.

For years, Crumbly-Building Man had purchased his leotards at the Costume Shop and some wonder if his powers were invalidated by the source of his questionable super-hero powers. “Nobody asks if they want to be a superhero,” said Crumbly-Building Man, “they are made. With great costumes comes great responsibility. Ever since I first purchased my magical tights at the Costume Shop, I could save any building that was structurally in distress. I suppose I met my personal Kryptonite today.”

New business all ready for early closure

Springfield, MO – Downtown Springfield shoppers got a treat this Monday when “Munch ‘n Muse” treated customers to free peach vegemite cupcakes during their grand opening celebration. The store, which sells designer cupcakes, indigenous Australian artifacts, and locally produced art and figurines, will cater to downtown shoppers looking for a creative gift or snack- until their eventual financial decline and subsequent bankruptcy later this year.

Store owner Maggie Frankler said she looks forward to serving up one-of-a-kind experiences for her customers, “I think it’s easy to forget how much fun it is to discover a new flavor, whether it’s one of our trademark Honeybacon Strawberry Cupcakes, or a hand-carved didgeridoo. Munch ‘n Muse gives people the opportunity to relax, and find something that fits their unique tastes, at least until I have to sell my house to pay the lease.”

MSU college student Amanda Francis took advantage of the free confections- “I absolutely love this place, It’s just a few minutes from my dorm, and it’s a great spot to just hang out. I’m gonna tell all my friends about it whenever we walk past on our way to the bars.”

Local artist and musician Steve Jackson had the honor of making the first official purchase, “I got this sweet keychain that looks like a monster. The rest of the stuff was kind of pricey, but it’s a totally cool place. I’ll really miss them when they go under. Oh! Maybe they’ll put one of those hookah bars here next, I’ve always wanted to try one of those.”

Munch ‘n Muse is open Monday thru Saturday from 11AM-8PM, is closed Sundays, and will close permanently after probably May or June.

Nixa Wookiee dropped this family portrait as it left Supercenter

Nixa, MO – Nixa shoppers received a shock Monday evening when several individuals reported a sighting of the legendary Nixa Wookiee in and around the Local Walmart Supercenter. Although the Nixa Wookiee has long enjoyed a position of prominence in local folklore, this is the first time in recent memory a sighting of the creature has been reported.

The “wookiee” was described by witnesses as being between 6-8 feet tall, with a leathery coat and long, furry low hanging ears, not unlike a winter cap with ear flaps. “He walked on his hind legs, just like a real person,” Said shopper Dale Wrigley, who sighted the creature in the grocery section of the store, “he had these weird white feet without toes and big black forepaws. I think he was foraging for food, because he was holding a bunch of bananas. Thank God we already had the airsoft rifle in the cart. Who knows what would have happened if we hadn’t chased him off.”

Resident Twila Marie Willdonner saw the creature shortly after he left the store, “He was runnin’ like the dickens, with his front legs over his head, like he was protectin’ hisself. I never seen no bear move that fast. Jim had the shotgun almost loaded, but he was out of sight before we could get a shot off.” Willdonner described the creature as, “Ugly as sin, all hairy and big. It had a pale face, brown fur on the top half, and kinda grayish fur on the bottom. Cursed like a sailor too.”

Authorities have declined to comment on the nature or existence of the alleged cryptozological creature. But urge residents to avoid any contact with animals they do not recognize. “If there is some kinda wookiee or bigfoot or something,” Said Nixa Police Chief, Francis Spoonerson, “It’s probably just as scared of us as we are of it. Call us if you see it, and we’ll come take care of it, no problem.”

Man gives up resolutions for New Year's

Springfield, MO – Jackson Henderson has made his intent known to family and friends that he will not be making any New Year’s resolutions this year. In fact, he is steadfast in picking up new bad habits to enhance his life.

“Jackson showed up to the New Year’s party smoking cigarettes, chewing tobacco and wearing a Nicotine patch. When I asked what he was doing, he cursed at me. He never cursed before,” said girlfriend Nola Friendster.

Henderson claims his healthy lifestyle in previous years has proved to be too boring and restricting, “I was sick of the lifestyle. So now I’m eating red meat and chugging alcohol for breakfast. Why not? I mean some people live their entire lives having not eaten the belly out of a seagull. I can now say that I’ve done that. Just now. And I was a vegetarian 2 hours ago. Loved it.”

According to reports, Henderson is living the life he always wished he had. “Jackson was in great spirits tonight, I’ve never seen him happier,” said longtime friend Hank Sevens. “He would normally be sulking in the corner eating Triskets and drinking tea, but tonight he was actually having fun.”

Experts disagree about the choices exhibited by Henderson, however “if farting and eating beef jerky all day provides him happiness, I’m not one to hold him back,” said Dr. Gail Lowry.

Real effing bears clean a side street

Springfield, MO – Local bears have adopted a street to clean and keep tidy in Southeast Springfield near Luster and Cragmont. According to the bears, they are hoping to raise awareness to their plight as an indigenous species in the Ozarks.

City officials claim that the bears filed the necessary paperwork for street adoption and were very clear with their intentions. “We had two damn bears walk into city hall and everyone ran for the exits, turns out they just wanted to help keep our area clean and let citizens know that bears can be useful participants in an urban setting,” said city official Jaime Kiuae.

Motorist have been more than surprised by the efforts. “I was trying to avoid Glenstone so I took a back street. And there they were, a bunch of bears with trash in their mouths, trash on sticks and trash in bags. I thought I was going to be eaten alive, but instead I navigated a path around the mall on a surprisingly clean path of pavement,” claimed Noel Gargeror.

Neighbors have reported a sharp decrease in crime and littering in the area since the real bears have taken responsibility for the cleanliness of the roadway. “I think it is an enforcement issue. We had one driver throw out a plastic cup while the real bears were cleaning the road and the bears didn’t take to kindly to that. They chased the driver down and ate his head at the next stop sign. That’s a pretty good deterrent if you ask me,” said homeowner Jilly Twilly.

You have four categories of travelers…The Rookie, The Wonderer, The Cool Guy and The Bitch.  If you can identify these characters early on, at least there are no surprises.

The Rookie has no clue.  They are usually young families or small town folk ages 32-45 and very nervous.  They frantically go through security and run from one terminal to the next.  They might be wearing shirts from their last vacation.  Their luggage is most likely a hand-me-down with their parent’s name and address still on the tag.  They like to talk a lot…greeting people on the plane like they are all part of one big team.  In general, nobody likes them.

The Wonderer is usually dirty.  They are usually young singles ages 22-35.  Their clothes are tattered and torn as if they have been sleeping for the past few days and just woke.  More than likely, they stink.  These folks usually ask for seconds on the bag of peanuts.  They are always first to give up their seat on a full flight to someone else in hopes of scoring a free dinner voucher and one night’s stay at the airport hotel.  Stay away from them as they are likely to carry the illness from a foreign country that will wipe out the human race.

The Cool Guy is the veteran traveler.  This category is made up of men ages 35-50.  They are up and comers…or so they think.  They are looking at and talking about the stock market but probably don’t have enough money to invest.  Their suit, while it looks nice, was bought at the Men’s Warehouse on clearance.  They still wear gold.  They flirt a lot but never get the girl.  They have had 10 jobs in the last two years because they simply can’t get that big promotion.  I really want to punch these guys in the nuts.

Lastly, we come to The Bitches.  I would say this category is made up of middle aged women.  Nobody likes them…especially not their husbands.  They haven’t been laid in years.  They usually have way too much makeup on and smell like a French Whore.  Although the cheap wine, over the years, has stained their teeth, they are too cheap to try the Crest Strips.  If you have small children, keep them away as these women will tear you to shreds with little remarks that are just loud enough that only you can hear them.  These people take pride in being someone that nobody can stand to be around.

Well, there you have it.  What you do with this information is up to you.  My recommendation is to go find the Spook Light in Joplin or maybe hope for the reopening of Snow Bluff for your next vacation.  It might just save you from the terrible reality of these horrible people who await you at the airport.

Keep em’ comin’ and watch em’ go.

Mr. Mike McMichaelson

Pumpkin found smashed after hours of torture

Dateline Springfield: Welcome back listeners. That was Macy Wallace with her new jazz hit, “City Lights.” We now interrupt this regularly schedule program with exciting news from Professor Farrell of the Chicago Observatory. Apparently, some explosions on the surface of Mars has jittered many scientist interested in – Hold on… This just in… A young pumpkin who was reported missing yesterday has been found. Oh. Oh God. It says here the pumpkin was found smashed in a million pieces on the sidewalk.

Reports are now streaming in about the crime. Apparently the pumpkin was stolen by the Smith family who live at 1295 Apple Pie Lane. The family of 5 (mother, father, two daughters, and one son) tore the adolescent squash from his family at 3:32 yesterday. The family then drove home as Sally, the youngest, held the pumpkin on her lap: escape was impossible.

Once home… and I warn out young listeners that this next section is very graphic so you may want to turn to another program, possibility “The Lone Ranger Buys A More Convincing Mask”…once home, John Smith, the father of the group, took a knife and sadistically carved into the pumpkin. Then with the children’s help scooped out the entrails.

Then, according to eyewitnesses, the mother took the knife and carved three triangles and a toothy grin into the helpless pumpkin.

In a grotesque climax the family shoved a candle in the mouth of the pumpkin, letting it rest in the stomach of the helpless victim. The eldest daughter light the candle ablaze while the pumpkin could do nothing, but smile. The family then set the pumpkin on the porch as a horrifying trophy for all to see.

This is where the trail goes cold. But, sometime that night a third party, through either an act of mercy or sadistic cruelty, threw the pumpkin upon the hard concrete; the symphony of despair finally over.

The Smiths have been taken into custody with first degree murder and second prize for pumpkin carving at the Halloween block party. Our prayers are with the victim’s hundreds of brothers.

We return now to the music of Duke Westborg and his jazz quartet. Oh and New York has been destroyed by hundreds of Martian tripods.

No whammies, no whammies, gas!

Springfield, MO- Due to the constantly varying gas prices, Kum & Go has decided to change all gas pumps to slot machine like apparatuses. Customers will put anywhere from one dollar to 25-dollars into the machines and pull the lever. Gas could be as low as 50-cents a gallon to 5-dollars depending on how lucky they are. The luckiest players could win other prizes such as free beef jerky, a free coffee, or a t-shirt that proclaims “Kum In Our Slots”, or the grand prize of an electric car.

“We just want to have the glamour and excitement of the Vegas Strip to our gas stations,” states a Kum N Go representative. “Sure, instead of show girls we have creepy pan handlers and instead black jack we have scratchers tickets…and more creepy panhandlers, but we are getting there. We are trying to have dancing fountains like in the front of the Bellagio, only with gasoline. If the uptight government will get off our back.”

Many customers are loving the new change.

“I hate being screwed by those fat cat oil companies, but I don’t mind getting screwed by lady luck. And who knows? I may not get screwed at the pump at all. Last time I could have said that was…1998,” states a local customer.

The machines are just the first changes that Kum & Go is making to make themselves for marketable. They recently purchased the web domain “Kumazon” where people can purchase gas online and have it delivered to their homes.

Mannequins protest on South Street

Springfield, MO – People gathered and gawked outside of Staxx and Moda at last weekend’s Art Walk, admiring the realness and mobility of the mannequins standing in the business’ windows. It was later discovered that the mannequins were actually human models, wearing human clothes and standing as still as humanly possible, just like mannequins normally do.

That the humans were indeed humans was confirmed, not only when the models needed bathroom breaks, but by a group of mannequins protesting the loss of their positions outside of Bistro Market on the corner of Walnut Avenue and South Street. The mannequins were holding large signs, which displayed such phrases as, “Leave the wearing of clothing to those without faces or genitalia,” “Mannequins are people too,” and “HuMANNEQUIN!”

According to owners of local clothing stores, the economy has suffered so much that it is cheaper to hire part-time human mannequins than it is to buy full-time mannequin mannequins. This is bad news for out of work mannequins, many of whom have already had to lose their arms, legs, or heads in order to be more affordable to local businesses.

Public feelings about the new in-window clothing-wearers are mixed.

“I think it’s great to see some attractive people getting work,” said downtown patron Travis Ebbs. “Not enough opportunities come to attractive people these days.”

“Well, I think it’s awful,” said resident Aleana Garrett, “and I heard the mannequins have been on a hunger strike—they haven’t eaten a thing since the protests started. The mannequins should be the ones showing humans how humans look in human clothing—they are better at standing still and have much brighter personalities than models do.”

When asked about the job crisis or the protests, the mannequins had no comment.