Pawned gold is a precious commodity during snowstorms

Springfield MO.-   With bad weather arriving and more on the way the citizens of Springfield do not want to be caught “out in the cold.”  Grocery stores have reported that people have been coming in and buying the basics to get them through the hard times.  “Our sales almost triple when bad weather is predicted.”, said Mike Snoozeman of Walmart.  “We have been swamped, people are buying milk, toilet paper, and frozen pizza.  You know the essentials.”

There apparently is another essential that people are buying and is going unnoticed by the media.  FCN has learned that there is also a run on gold and that every pawn shop and jewelry store in Springfield is sold out.  William Travesty of Travesty Jewelers reports that he has never seen anything like it in his 35 years of doing business.  “Normally our biggest times for sales are Christmas and Valentines day.  But with all this snow coming down people have been coming in and buying anything we had that was gold.”, he said.  “The fact is I am sold out and everyone else I know that sells gold is sold out too.  I will get new gold product in next week but customers seem to want it now and they leave here panic stricken.”

Jed Bodine of Ozark told FCN his reason for hording gold.  “Last ice storm we had, I thought I had everything to get by.  I had food, water,a generator, fuel for heat, everything you would want and enough of it to so I wouldn’t have to leave the house for 2 years.  But something was missing and that was gold.  I realized that I may have massive amounts of alcohol and granola bars but I really needed gold to get me by these hard times.  So this time I am fixed up.  I got a sack of double cheese burgers, a flashlight and a gorgeous gold necklace so bring on the snow!!”

The three day burger was a popular order before the snow came

Springfield, MO. –Deemed the worst storm to hit the Ozarks since 2003, the massive snow storm front sweeping the nation has been called many names such as: “Snolocaust”,  “Snowpocolypse”, even “Snowmageddon”.  Its impending smack down in our region has local residents preparing for the worse.

“I’m not going to get caught with my pants down this time!.” says local resident Bob Laublaah as he pulled out of the McDonald’s parking lot on east Glenstone with his order of 6 Big N’ Tasteys and 10 McRib Value meals. “The last storm left me stranded in my house eating only canned goods and having to use the stove for more than a place to set dirty dishes.”

Such has been a typical comment from thousands of concerned citizens who have flooded into McDonald’s to stock up on “necessities”. Typical storm preparations used to include stocking up on food staples such as: bottled water, crackers, and canned goods. In this day and age however it seems we can add Quarter Pounders and Big Macs to the list. The result has left McDonald’s all over town overwhelmed with customers buying 20 cheeseburger value meals per person.

“I eat at McDonald’s every day. What am I supposed to do if I can’t get to one? I don’t even own a can opener!” said one of the patrons. “To top it off, I’m on a special diet eating a Grilled Chicken Club that’s only 520 calories. If I can’t get one, my diet will be shot!”

Most people interviewed said they weren’t going overboard by supersizing the orders, just buying more. Due to the volume of orders, McDonald’s is requesting people bring their own food containers to be more environmentally sound.

Ozarkians who've lost their effin' minds line up to purchase toilet paper in bulk to ride out the snownado

Springfield, MO—Mass hysteria has blanketed the Ozarks pending a predicted snowfall that is estimated to be the largest accumulation since 1912, essentially Ozarkians have lost their effin’ minds.

“I went to the store as soon as I done heard there was gonna be a Snownado come up and take us all to the icy hell,” screamed Ricky Hickey of Buffalo, MO. The major storm bearing down on the area has incited a blizzard warning and the National Guard has been activated to secure the situation should it get out of hand.

Sgt. Major Flint Gadstone said, “If we see a large amount of accumulation, we are prepared to fire acidic rockets into the storm to combat crystal formations which will reduce the assault of snow on our cities. We also have a laser. It is a big one and we can’t wait to use it to melt wicked cool shapes into things.”

Governor Jay Nixon has declared the Ozarks chockfull of snow-fearing psychos and emergency managers are preparing for a disaster zone. Grocers reported an insane amount of purchasing activity and convenience stores are experiencing a heavy amount of traffic selling more gasoline than one could huff from six socks.

Amanda Quillow slobbered, “It’s a snowicide! The snow will melt away your skin unless you purchase canned goods and surgically implant them into your upper intestine! Jack Frost you stick it in your stormtracker! Ha-ha-ha-ha!”

Should only a small amount of snow sprinkle the area, neighbors and friends are willing to forgive the effed’ up antics of their loved ones. “Hey, it’s not everyday a giant snowicane produces thundersnow that will strip off your scalp if you don’t have appropriate head gear. Might as well live it up…gotta run, I need some grind rock salt into my palms in case I am forced to army crawl though 20 inches of snow back to my house,” stammered Vickey Richmond of Salem, MO.

A child shows dissapointment at the lack of snowfall

Springfield, MO—Thousands of Ozarkers awoke to a disappointing morning of little snowfall accumulation this morning. According to news reports this area was expecting 8-12 inches of snow prompting school, business and social cancellations.

“I was planning to take off from work, read a book and watch a few movies, but now thanks to Mother Nature holding out and the d-bags on TV who raised my expectations, I have to spend the day in the office,” said Saul Rogers, a local anesthesiologist. “What if I was only 50% accurate at my job? Motherlicker, I want my snow!” Rogers exclaimed while punching his fist into his hand.

Most schools, churches and businesses cancelled regular activities yesterday due to the severe weather storm prediction. Unfortunately, all regular activities will resume according to normal schedules. “Oh seriously? I spend thirty minutes waiting in line at freakin’ Walmart last night for this?” said Zach Damion.

A column of dry air interfered with the snowy destruction of everyday life in Springfield, creating an echo hook of safety for the Queen City. Everyone from school kids to adults shed a few tears of disappointment as they headed off to their daily undisturbed routines.

Weather image featuring bad weather is groovy

Springfield, MO—A local newsman blew several viewers minds by showing a radar screen filled with psychedelic images symbolizing Wednesday’s weather patterns. Cries of “whoa”, “maaaaan” and “dude” were heard in living rooms across the Ozarks.

One viewer, Moonbeam Johnston said, “I saw like a beautiful unicorn soar across the sky during the weather report and the unicorn urinated on the clouds and caused snow to fall.”

Given today’s technological advances, many viewers were surprised at the understated approach to weather reporting. “I had no idea that they had access to this type of technology that makes high-tech look low-tech,” said Barry Howard. “Very forward thinking to go all retro with the precipitation illustration.”

Not all viewers were impressed, “I thought it was drawn by a 5 year-old or a drunk hobo,” said Louis Cavanagh. “No, it looked as if a damn hippy vomited a rainbow on the radar screen.”

Most viewers agreed that the groovy imagery provided a good vibe that made bad weather seem not so ominous. “I saw a pair of cool sunglasses bordered by the light of a prism and I felt okay with another round of icy, snow, cold-as-a-Spanish-dungeon kick in the sack from old man winter,” said Herb Grimes.

Neighbor meth lab threat meter level is at medium

Springfield, MO—With the recent onslaught of treacherous winter weather, KSPR has introduced the Threat Meter to help Ozarkers understand the most likely means by which they will die in the near future. Over the past several weeks, the meter has gained popularity by including threats such as “snow,” “ice,” “wind,” and “cold.” However, these threats are only seasonal and meteorologist Devin Brighty is worried that the Threat Meter could lose some appeal as temperatures warm and icicle impalements becomes less likely.

To help sustain interest in the Threat Meter, KSPR will be adding “Meth Lab Neighbor” and “Overzealous Police Officer” in the coming months. “Winter weather, though violent and deadly as all get out, is fleeting in this area, so we knew that we had to add a couple of more common threats to the meter,” said Brighty. “There’s less than a ten percent chance that your average Ozarker will be dismembered by Jack Frost, so it’s really not that big of a threat. But there’s about a forty percent chance that you have a meth lab neighbor and a fifty percent chance that they’ll try to eat your face at some point. So that’s a pretty big threat.”

As for the overzealous sexual offender, Brighty said that the threat will not be tied specifically to one town or city’s offenders, since all seem equally likely to handcuff, tazer, and/or urinate on someone.

A sledder jumps from lane 3 to 5 at newly opened Ice Cycle-Slyde

Springfield, MO—Snowy weather provided the catalyst for a Ice Cycle-Slyde, a new booming business located at the former Hydra Slyde site. Several teenagers attended the grand opening with their inner tubes, plastic sleds, steel runner mini toboggans and snow boards.

“A dude named Chip was taking a $5 entry fee; I don’t think he really worked there, he just said, ‘pay to sleigh’, so I gave him my money and had a blast,” said Jeremy Chixly, a sophomore at Glendale high school.

Sleders were seen jumping lanes, bruising tailbones and catching some major air at Ice Cycle-Slyde. “The snow covered lanes are so much better than the water tracks,” said the father of one teen in attendance, “I used to be a Hydra Slyde freak in the 70’s and 80’s but nothing compares to the ice, snow and sleet that we’re skating on today.”

No official business address or phone number was available for Ice Cycle-Slyde, fueling speculation that the entire endeavor was a loosely organized gathering of trespassing thrill-seekers on snow.

“I wish Wet Willy’s was still around, I would sled the shite out of that place,” said Duke Lemmonford. Observers watched the Ice Cycle-Slyders from broken down couches and old furniture deposited at the site.

“Holy crap! I just jumped from lane 3 to 5,” said one overjoyed snow sledding patron.