“The restrooms themselves are a showcase themselves,” said the theater’s Assistant Executive Assistant to the Executive Producer’s Assistant, John’da Leeky confusing herself.

“Everytime I walk in there it’s (gasp) this can’t be! What a waste of effin’ money!” says Jimmy Ilvine of Indiana. “I could take this eagle’s beak sink spigot, sell it on eBay and pay my mortgage for 3 years instead of enjoying this conspicuous defecation.”

“Yeah, talk about pissin’ your money away,” says Alicia Stark of Lee’s Summit, Mo. as she wiped her nose with a 1934 $10 bill pulled from a tissue case stocked with the uncirculated collector’s currency.

“It’s not walking into a restroom, it’s walking into a giant toilet bowl where money is flushed away by the minute,” says Stark.

For the ladies: fresh flowers, crystal chandeliers, and a spritz of perfume made from freshly crushed Faberge eggs by restroom attendant Shirley.

For the men: lionhead sinks, magical wiper blades, iced urinals, and a pool table. Sometimes, the big man stops by for a game himself.

“Mr. Tabuchi likes to come up sometimes and play a game of pool with our guests,” says Leeky.

“Looked to me like he was hitting them balls pretty well – he’s handled a few before,” says Ilvine, who once witnessed a game, “handled a few cue balls, y’know, not my 8-ball, but his own stripes and solids….ah, come to think of it, a shuffle board table would be more appropriate in this particular location.”

If you’ve always heard but never witnessed the old saying “throwing money thrown down the drain” make sure you head down to Branson this weekend and visit this unique Ozarks destination.

If you’d like to vote, check out http://www.BestRestroom.com

Captain Shad Owing the IV was tossed off the back of the ship onto the paddlewheel when the vessel left the pier under pirate control. “How could they have known we were a profitable target,” he said, “the only time I mentioned our valuables was to the reporter covering the possibility of pirates in our area.”

Pirates reportedly read the possibility of pirates story published yesterday at this publication. When local officials reached the pirates to negotiate, pirate leaders clearly wanted to thank the captain for his tip. “Dat man give us a great idea,” stated Abdehl Wali-u-Musie, pirate.

According to initial reports, most Showboat passengers did not realize the ship was really under attack and considered the invasion part of the entertainment. Mary Hulter said, “It was lots of fun seeing them swing through the windows of the boat. However, I got a bit suspicious when my plate exploded from a ricocheted bullet.”

So far, no one has been injured and the pirates claim to keep the peace as long as the band a top the Showboat continues to play Yo Ho Ho (and a Bottle of Rum).