Teeth “throw a spanner in the works”

Springfield, MO – A British fugitive was recently found in Ozark, MO trying to blend into his local surroundings. Authorities say they were tipped off by local residents as the man smelled of cabbage and haggis. The accused is said to have pulled off the “perfect crime” by driving off in a security van with 50 bags of coins and notes worth $1.5 million in 1993.

“I remember him. He always said weird things like ‘sixes and sevens’,
‘mutt’s nuts’ and once he told me I had a ‘crusty dragon’ when my
allergies were acting up,” said Nate Kowalski, “he was real nice though.
” Neighbors reported the man as being suspicious. One woman, Gail Yonkalits said, “we lived next door to him for about 2 years and he never smoked meth or chewed tobacco, yet he had the worst teeth I’d even seen. Somethin’ ain’t right about that. So I called the cops to see what would cause that and they said he’s prolly British or foreign or somethin’ and I was astounded.”

Sherriff’s deputies kept the man under surveillance during which they determined that he drank tea at regular intervals during the day, watched soccer, and even had an unusual flag hanging from the back window of his pickup truck. “It turns out his flag was not a twist on the rebel flag that we assumed it was…we learned it was another flag called a Union Jack,” said one perplexed officer.

“I just can’t believe that we had an illegal alien in our midst. I mean he could have spread his accent to other people or sumpin’,” said Joey Neferton of Ozark, “he picked the wrong place to blend in, we find strangers really quickly ‘round here. Didn’t bother me that he had guns, but it did bother me that he said ‘crikey’ all the time.”

DGB chooses high school again

Springfield, MO – The nation’s number one high school recruit, Dorial Green-Beckham declared his intentions on national signing day with a stunning proclamation: to stay at Hillcrest High School for one more year before signing a letter of intent with an institute of higher learning.

“DGB felt that he really needed more time to make his decision – there were so many excellent programs to choose from and he wants to make the right choice regarding his future,” said one source, “he plans to take this next year to fully explore his options and plans to set more records than any other high school player in the history of this country.”

Green-Beckham was genuinely pleased with the recruiting process and enjoyed the attention paid by several top football programs. “The courting/recruitment process is an experience like no other,” said NFL scout Herb Kickhall, “for a high school recruit of such value, it only comes around once in a career. For DGB to want to experience it again is normal. I would.”

Sources close to the manchild report that he is really fairly comfortable crushing opposing high school defenses with circus-like one-handed catches, sprinting away from safeties like a cheetah from a turtle and scoring touchdowns at will. “I’m proud of him, kids these days are too eager to grow up and start adulthood. DGB is setting a trend by staying in high school for 5 years. And I really appreciate having the opportunity to watch him next season here in town….go Hornets!” said Lou Schefflerberg a Springfield native.

Un-forking believable

Springfield, MO – GSFM has thrown down the gauntlet, tripped and stabbed themselves in the grass-fed heart following a unanimous decision among a limited group of short-sighted members (about 3 people). Following a closed vote where members were not allowed to voice their opinion, GSFM dictated that anyone wanting to participate in the Farmers Market of the Ozarks would not be allowed to participate in the Battlefield Mall location and should concentrate on giving hand-jobs to hobos.

“We’ve built our business on well-fertilized ground. Might as well use that extremely fertile ground to influence our politics,” said one source, “Bull shat built America. We’re using it to our advantage by forcing the most popular vendors out of the GSFM so that we can build up the less popular vendors into the most popular vendors. Soon the lady with the cat-skin purses will be our lead horse.”

Local consumers are more than engaged, “I think the GSFM has positioned themselves as an exclusive market, one that nobody wants to shop at…that’s pretty exclusive company,” said Nelli Harborson. GSFM execs have said, “Hey fagghetabout it, des people who wanna run dey business can give it a name. No we ain’t no organized crime syndicate, c’mon.”

The Farmers Market of the Ozarks responded to the allegations by offering free solar produced energy to all prospective members.

King’s hair arrives early for the fight

Springfield, MO – Don King’s hair arrived at the Springfield Branson Airport a full 30 minutes before the legendary boxing promoter. King was scheduled to arrive yesterday but was delayed when he leaned backwards and his hair fell 2 time zones behind him.

“Only in America can a man be in 3 time zones at once, due to the height of his hair,” proclaimed King. Once King arrived, Hammon’s Tower became the second tallest structure in the Ozarks. King will be in town to promote Willard native and #3 WBO world rated Cruiserweight BJ Flores this weekend.

“Get a Shiner at the Shriner” is the event’s moniker and resonates such engaging fights such as “The Thrilla in Manilla” and “Rumble in the Jungle” that King made famous. The event will be held at the Shrine Mosque where Prince Hall Freemason, King, secured the venue only after considering other locations that would have been billed, “Fistacuffs at Fassnight Park,” “The Donnybrook at Digiacinto’s,” and the “Pounding at Incredible Pizza”.

Flores has said, “Don, and more importantly his hair, bring a level of instant recognition that gives this fight card instant credibility. Springfield will be in for a real treat this weekend as Don’s hair will be an amazing site. I mean, the fights will be good too, but man…that hair is awesome.” Flores is pre-suing King for the fight purse money he is sure to be denied for the weekend fight.

Craig T. Nelson on a bag

Springfield, MO – The premier leather bag retailer from New York, Coach Inc., is planning on market testing a new product line at their Battlefield Mall location. Lewis Frankfort, Coach’s CEO, made the announcement in a press release last Monday when revealing the company’s new line: The Coach Bag. “Coach has been commonly confused with the 90′s television series through many search engines long enough,” explained Frankfort, “so fusing the two, just seemed like a natural progression in eliminating the confusion.”

The aging CEO hopes that attaching Craig T. Nelson’s face to the bag design will capture the nostalgia that dull, white Americans feel for the seemingly prosperous decade of the 90′s. Though the series Coach was based out of Minnesota, Frankfort believes that Springfield, Missouri has a quintessential whiteness that has an uncanny resemblance to Coach Hayden Fox’s sitcom town.  Competitors have been scratching their heads as to why Coach Inc. would alter their formula of selling high end apparel to the masses by “midwesternizing” their products in hopes of grasping a new market share.

Fendi’s creative director, Karl Lagerfeld, noted that Frankfort “has always been on the cutting edge of accessorizing and fashion,” but is “unsure whether or not this is the right direction” for the rival company.  Other company officials were hesitant to give their comments on Frankfort’s new line of Coach bags.  However, one anonymous executive of the company conveyed his thoughts rather bluntly about Frankfort: “the old man has gone batsh*t crazy!” Crazy or not, keep your eye out in the community for the sleek new styling of the The Coach Bag.

Parrots and pugs enjoy "hook life"

Springfield, MO – Continuing today at the Ozarks Empire Fairgrounds, the Springfield Arts and Tattoo Festival will feature several spectacles including live animal suspension demonstrations, open to the public. Parrots, guinea pigs, and cute widdle puppies will be jabbed with sharp hooks and hung 5-12 feet into the air for pure spiritual enlightenment rarely enjoyed by uptight, rigid Homo sapiens.

Lewis Joliet, a master at suspension claimed, “the proper placement, number, and size of metal hooks which are pierced into the skin to lift an animal off the ground is a very delicate science. You see, a hawk can stand more resistance than say a chickadee. And a squirrel can hardly tolerate the pain that a Great Dane can withstand. Of course, all of these animals are God’s creatures and entitled to the same enlightenment that we all seek here on this Earth,” as he stabbed himself in the tongue and lifted  his body off the ground via hidden pulley.

Children are admitted free to the event and a special pet piercing booth will puncture any cat, dog or goldfish that provide appropriate health department and completed consent forms. “Mr. Giggles weally wiked the fun hook wide,” said 4 year old Emma Pearson after her Cockapeekapoo mutt was lifted into the air performing a crucifix suspension for a crowd of spectators.

Local Ozarkers have been preparing for the event for months by practicing human suspension in their backyards terrifying their neighbors and horrifying passersby. The animal suspension event is a first-of-its-kind here, and is expected to sell out soon. Sponsors suggest buying tickets early.

The human suspension event coincides with the National Antique Tractor Pull and RK Gun Show. One participant, Hank Uleriton, plans to be yanked down a target range by his nipples chained to an antique Alice Chalmers tractor while avoiding unfriendly fire.

JQH now carries trademark, copyright, patent, service and registration marks

Springfield, MO – John Q. Hammons has recently offered up, and subsequently secured the naming rights to himself, staffers close to the local entrepreneur and real estate magnate say. The negotiations regarding the name change were reportedly heated, involving several business leaders and major companies. In the end Hammons won out, and plans to enact the name change in a ceremony to be held on the Hammons pitcher’s mound inside Hammons field in the coming month.

FCN is going dark today to promote these things. There will be no post today. Please help make these things happen. Again this is not related to the controversial blackouts that Wikipedia, Reddit, Minecraft, Craigslist, and Boing Boing are engaged in regarding SOPA or PIPA censorship protests. This is about world peace, cold hard cash, the fountain of youth, mouth parties, entertaining tv, and blazing a path upon a mythical creature.

Man found in fetal position inside Battlefield Mall

Springfield, MO – Jerry Strafford spend the better part of a week trying to find his way out of the Battlefield Mall located in Springfield, MO. Strafford’s wife reported him missing after he went for a drink of water during a shopping spree to find him a  new pair of jeans.

The labyrinth of straight hallways and crowds of people confused Strafford to the point of bewilderment and he could not find his way back to the food court, a predetermined location of rendezvous with his wife. “I had my compass strapped to my jeans belt loop but it was no good. I couldn’t tell which was way up and the crowds of people only added to my frustration. That little girl with the multiple facial piercings haunted me for days. She just stared at me with a blank face, like I pity you.”

Strafford was too embarrassed to ask for help and frequently hid away in a side room to spend the night among mannequins and overstock. “I survived on dippin’ dots and Auntie Ann’s most of the time. I would have talked to the mall police but they were on motorized horses that scared the devil out of me,” said Strafford wiping a tear from his eye.

“I found Jerry crawling on his hands and knees outside a calendar kiosk, I think he was looking for loose change for the candy machine. It was bittersweet, I was happy to have him back but devastated that a shopping mall experience could destroy a man in this way,” said his wife.

Real effing bears clean a side street

Springfield, MO – Local bears have adopted a street to clean and keep tidy in Southeast Springfield near Luster and Cragmont. According to the bears, they are hoping to raise awareness to their plight as an indigenous species in the Ozarks.

City officials claim that the bears filed the necessary paperwork for street adoption and were very clear with their intentions. “We had two damn bears walk into city hall and everyone ran for the exits, turns out they just wanted to help keep our area clean and let citizens know that bears can be useful participants in an urban setting,” said city official Jaime Kiuae.

Motorist have been more than surprised by the efforts. “I was trying to avoid Glenstone so I took a back street. And there they were, a bunch of bears with trash in their mouths, trash on sticks and trash in bags. I thought I was going to be eaten alive, but instead I navigated a path around the mall on a surprisingly clean path of pavement,” claimed Noel Gargeror.

Neighbors have reported a sharp decrease in crime and littering in the area since the real bears have taken responsibility for the cleanliness of the roadway. “I think it is an enforcement issue. We had one driver throw out a plastic cup while the real bears were cleaning the road and the bears didn’t take to kindly to that. They chased the driver down and ate his head at the next stop sign. That’s a pretty good deterrent if you ask me,” said homeowner Jilly Twilly.